Not Ready to make Nice

Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I'm still mad that is true. Today somebody mentioned this dumbass' name and I felt as angry as I was last Sunday when I realized my stuff was gone. Today some of the stuff that was taken from us was returned, but my cd player nor the speakers we bought for the office were among those things. I really doubt I see them again.
So tonight I went and got some gift cards I receive as Christmas present from work and I got myself an Ipod. It still doesn't make me feel any better though.
I feel so rotten inside, not because of the cd player but because all this situation has showed me what kind of person this guy is and is bringing the worst from me to the surface. I feel hate and thI just can't stand to even hear his name.
pheewww!!!
How can some people be so imbecil!!

Patience

Patience,
originally uploaded by dhammza.

Ohhhhhhh... Today was one of those days in which I almost reach the top of my patience. The idiot resposible for the loss of my beloved and arcaic cd player was at the office today. I couldn't make eye contact with him. I was affraid that my eyes were machine guns and he would get shooted by them. I tried really hard to not show him how i felt because he is (apparently) a big asset for the non-profit. For what I've heard he has gotten a lot of money in donation for the Christmas presents and Holiday Party. Also he knows how to write grants and has a lot of experience in that area. Otherwise I would have already exploded.
He is a complete a******.

God is trying to tell me something

Waiting for rebirth,
originally uploaded by access.denied.

I guess.

The other day I was watching just some silly movie and one phrase got stuck in my head: " Live everyday like it was on purpose". And tonight I started watching another silly movie and It turned out to be all about living life to the fullest. It kind of came in a good moment because I really needed some help to appreciate things around me.
Lately I have been feeling a little down.
The usual. I feel like I'm not moving anywhere, like I have no help from anybody and no support. Sometimes I just want for somebody to notice my needs and give me some support or some rest, but most of the time I am the one doing that job for everyone. I kind of have to wait for my turn, but my patience is running thin.
Things have not been easy for me lately. I worked really hard on a holiday party for needy Children and while I was there somebody got into my office and stole a cd player I got from my my kudos at my first job in USA some years ago. It wasn't anything modern, I know, but it had a sentimental value. The guy responsible for this situation didn't even acknowledge the loss and didn't give it any importance. I got so angry. I put him on my sh** list right away. I better don't see his face in a while.
So that was the last straw really, from several days of hard, hard work, little sleep and big efforts to make a happy family, a happy work place and a better world. Sometimes I feel like the only one person that appreciates what I do is my boss, and isn't that somthing weird? Usually is the opposite for most of people.
Now I think God wants me to know that I need to start taking control of my life.
I feel like I'm living in one of those dreams where you need to run but your legs are not moving and your body just doesn't respond, if anything it moves so slowly that you can't go anywhere anyways. Can you wake up from that nightmare anyways?
Maybe I just need to watch another silly movie to hear the answer.

Constant Presence

When I was a child I used to joke with my favorite aunt because non of us had grandparents. I had my mother's side grandfather and I loved him dearly but he died when I was 9. My grandmother (his wife) was never very affectionated and since she lived in the other side of the country I would rarely see her anyways. On my father's side my grandmother was all the oppossite. She would play with me and tell me the most funny stories but then diabetes got the best of her and she even forgot the name of my sisters. She would remember my name until the day she died though. Her husband (my so called grandfather) never cared for me or my sisters. We were just a disspointment for him, we were "just women" and he expected the fisrt child of his first child to be a man.
My aunt Olga would tell me that we should be called "the ones without Grandparents".
Many years later I met a man that adopted me as his own granddaughter and he is constntly in my mind. I can hear his voice in other people's voice, his face in other people's faces. It's like I'm being constantly reminded that he was here and what he meant to me. Now I'm listening to old songs he told me he would sing while travelling around the country as a hobo when he was 15 years old. I miss him. I'll always will.

Of cats and mice

It has been already a week of my sister visiting and we have already an issue. Apparently she doesn't approve of me having the cats indoors. I explained to her that we keep them away from diseases and other parasites that way and althought I allow the boy to go outside from time to time it's only if I'm going to be there with him to make sure he is not running to the street or chasing the birds. Last night the girl was a little sick apparently and she had something gross on her hair. My husband and I grabbed her and cleaned her up but this seems to have upset my sister because she locked herself in her room. We were getting ready to have dinner and when we got to the table she had picked her plate and took it with her as well. My husband was very puzzled by this. I mean, we have done anything but being nice to her and providing her with whatever she needs or wants and even more. I don't see why would she get so freaked out by something so small.
Sometimes pets get sick and you have to help them. What m I supposed to do? Let the cat go screw herself and send her to freeze to death out the door? These kitties are my family. When I was all by myself in the Midwest they were my only company and I see them as a very important part of my life. Just because she doesn't feel the same way I'm not about to change the way I treat them. It's not like I feed them from my spoon or my plate or anything like that. Their litter box is clean and I take them to the vet as often as possible. In the case of the girl because of her issues I need to take her every three months so she stays out of trouble.
Awell, I guess her attitude may be something that has nothing to do with the kitties and is more about the uncapability of being grateful for the things you have and appreciating when people gives you love.

Halloween is almost here...

... and so is my sister. That's funny!
;P
Do you get it?? Because she is wicked!
and it's halloween!
(cricket noises here)
I have no freaking idea what to do for halloween. I don't know if children in this neighborhood do trick or treat at all. I hope they do. When I was in the Midwest I never saw anybody asking for candy around my neighborhood which was very dissapointing.
Anyhow, my husband and I bought this very cool soda from Target, it's called Spider Cider from Jones Soda and I liked it a lot. I bought several tiny cans to give away. If nobody comes I'll drink them all.
Also I want to make some decoration once my sister is here. I want her to enjoy a very american visit so she can say she was actually here and it was worth the money. That was an issue while I lived in the Midwest. Nobody was interested in visiting me.
I also want to decorate the office with halloween stuff. My boss said it was ok but she asked me not to get carried away. That won't be easy.

Rectangule of Bermudas

Bed + new mac + zefrank.com + cold medicine = happily wasted hours of my life

In perspective...

I just came back from our Board Meeting. I only got up from bed to attend the meeting and help on whatever was necessary. The office was down. I mean no connectivity, no internet. Something happened last night i guess and the energy went out because my computer was turned off and the modem from the DSL was blinking. I restarted everything but the conection wouldn't come back. I'll see what I do about it tomorrow.
Now I feel worst thn before. My throat hurts and my coughing doesn't stop. It makes e feel very crappy. Awell.
The cats are the only ones that seem to enjoy this. They love it when I stay in bed late and better yet if I don't get up at all. That means they can come and sleep around my feet or on the chair next to my bed. They keep me company and they look so cute taking their naps next to me.
My husband has been taking good care of me. Giving me medicine and maing sure I actually take it. He went and bought a wireless router so I can work with my laptop from my bed. Such a sweetie pie!
This week is going to fly by. This weekend is full of events including a reception at a friend's house to celebrate the adoption of her son. Then, the next morning another event to raise money for children and next week my sister is arriving to Reno.
I feel like I don't have time for anything. But I'm enjoying myself, even with this awful cold.

Early departure

Well, the cold is getting bad now so I'm getting back home. My husband just finished his classes and he is picking me up. I'm craving chinesse food. I don't know why, but I crve chinesse food everytime I'm sick. Weird.
Besides the fact that my only meal today was a cup of tea in the morning and a cup of coffee this afternoon. I guess my eating habts are not very healthy but I don't have much time for cooking. I always find something more important to do than standing in my kitchen. I'll blog more later... got to leave the office.

Sitting at home

My husband got a cold and now I got it as well.
Although I don't feel miserable yet, I feel very uncomfortable in my own skin.
So I'm sitting in my couch with my laptop and my CSS book trying to decide what is better, browsing the net or reading the book.
I just want to work on my organization's website which is not very pretty but I want to make it compliant with Web standards and I want to use CSS. However there is one problem. I've never worked with CSS. That is why I bought the book, but I hate to get my finger off the laptop and read. I understand this is absolutely necessary in order to be able to code. I wish I could do like Trinity in The Matrix when she makes a simple phone cal and from that she automatically learns to pilot a helicopter.
I better get back to the book and hopefully I will learn something that will help me to progress with my code.

e-mail challenged

Things re a little crazy around my job. Good and bad things.
We are receiving a lot of compliments and recognition in the last few months and that is great. So my boss sent this great email to everybody telling them how awesome recognitions we got and that the last one is requiring a trip to receive a prize. Everything was ok to that point. Then, this morning one of our board members replied the email to everyone complaining about the fact that is my boss the one traveling and why can't other board members like himself go as well. There are a few serious problems with this email:
1. The list of email addresses to which he replied included not only board members but also our founders, VIPs from our county and State, and media.
2. He used vocabulary very innapropiate. He referred to our founders as "higher ups" and the officials and people that advocates in our favor as "those with the purse strings".
3. This is not the first time that this exact type of indiscretion happens... with him. Also is not the first time that this type of situation is addressed by the other Board members. All in less than 3 months.

Needless to say, this could hurt us really bad given that we have been working so hard to gain respect from the County and the State and now they all must be thinking that we are nothing but blood suckers and we care more about a free trip and their grants than providing service to our community.
What a shame!

Mixed Signals

Sit tibi terra levis,
originally uploaded by Manel

This morning I ended up at one of NPR blogs and althought was a very blah one I found great links to better blogs.
I'm one of those people that never have enough. I go home after work and spent long hours sitting on front of my laptop browsing, reading, browsing some more and reading yet more. I'm constantly looking for good blogs, that are not too pretentious, but are fun to follow. So far my favorites are the ones I have linked in this page, but I have to admit that I can't be one day without checking the feeds from Tara Hunt. She is in big part to blame for at least half of my anxiety (the other half is my fault plus other blogs I read as well). When I read her blog and I see how fast she has achieved so many great things I look at my fat reflection in the mirror and I realized that I've spent the whole afternoon on my computer and achieved nothing. So I get this super loud voice yelling at me:
- You are wasting your life away... AGAIN!!! Three years in the Midwest didn't teach you anything???!!
-Well, is not like I know what I want to do.
- Are you sure??? Because as far as I know I'm the voice in your head and it's a little crowded over here.
-What do you mean.
- I can't believe you are pretending not to notice. You are so pathetic when you do that.
- Hey! Who gave you the right to talk to me like that! You are living in my head, remember? I demand respect, or else.
-Or else?
- Yes, or else. I own my head and I can get you evicted anytime if I want to.
- Hahaha. That is funny. I know my rights and I also know that if you try to get rid of me I have enough material to leave you with your head like you want but also with no will to do anything productive from then on. Remember, after all the neglect you have subjected this place to I get to take with me your will and your (almost unused) creative power. I would leave you with only your sad conformity and you'd become another little ant walking around, totally unmissed by anyone.
- Hummm... well, we don't need to yell at each other like this after all. You know very well I wouldn't evict you anyways. That is just the frustration talking.
- Which brings me back to the point that is very crowded in here.
- And that brings me back to the part where I don't get what you are talking about.
- When I first started living in here so many years ago, everything was great. Life was simple and I had a huge yard to enjoy the growing of ideas and the development of the neighborhood. But from some time to this point the development has gotten way out of control. Now I don’t even get to sit outside to see ideas growing on the yard. You started building around this property so much that now my yard has become a high traffic area for the handful of shady tenants you’ve got. The soil is still fertile but the ideas tree never gets to ripen any fruit. That lady, the one that looks like has never taken a shower in her life comes over and steals them when they are only green! Yes, that what her name?
- Frustration?
-Yes! That one! Filthy bitch. And that is not all!! I can’t stand the noise anymore. This guy, Anxiety. He seems a quiet fellow and I thought everything would be ok. But every day and night he is working with his obnoxious power tools doing who knows what, but I can’t hear my own thoughts. With all that noise every little thing I try to do has to be stoped because nothing is enjoyable anymore. And so many more of those low-life are coming to invade my privacy that I’m seriously thinking of relocating, but I tell you: I do that and you better forget about the yard because none of these assholes is going to take care of it and most likely in less of a month this will be a desert and you will have to build some parking lot instead. That will please so much that fat idiot that has been trying to put that business here for so long. That fat Complacency guy.
- I swear, I noticed things were going down, but I try to keep up. It’s not easy when there so much going on in my life.
- Listen, this is not my problem. It’s really yours, and you better fix it… or else.

Amanda is still on

I was wondering where Amanda Congdon went. I knew her blog was about to retire but I never checked back what happened. I'm very pleased to discover she is still on business and I loved this interview in particular.
I think is very disturbing that people close their eyes and cover their ears to what is really happening out there. In this country we hear constantly the word "freedom" but what is freedom really? I don't think people really understand the value of this because most of them don't understand what it is like to be without freedom.

Words in Wartime

hulk angry,
originally uploaded by owenbooth.

My husband gets really mad everytime he hears anybody calling a regimen fascist. Most of the time is just the wrong word and has nothing to do with the message that wants to be put accross. I found this very interesting article where Joseph Sobran talks about it.
Sometimes people just wants to show their anger and uses anything that sounds ugly enough. Sometimes to show the frustration many throw the Hitler comparissons on the table too.

"The Left has been using fascism as a cussword since the days of Hitler and Mussolini. It was already very old and weary by the time it was annexed to Islam. But what’s fascistic about al-Qaeda, unless fascist just means a form of politics I don’t like, which doesn’t take us very far toward understanding what it is?"

Thanks Owenbooth for the awesome picture of the angry Hulk.

Hard Sale

We finally reached that point and my husband invited me to go and look for a new car. I've mentioned lately that I would like to have a 4WD, mostly because of the mountains. I love to go on trips crossing the mountains but the weather not always is nice and in those opportunities I wish I had a 4WD, so I wouldn't have to get off the car and put chains and freeze my hands off. Also it gives me a (maybe totally false) sense of security. Being trapped on top of the mountains in a snow storm surrounded by semi trucks is far from being desirable.
I've been thinking of going for a Subaru because is not flashy and it has a good mileage. I'm not a Hummer person. I'm more of a Mini Cooper sort of girl. I love that they are so small and minimalistic and yet they have the sport side that gives me a little of an adrenaline rush. They say "I'm small but I'm still kicking your ass". The Hummer in my opinion only says "I'm huge, expensive, SOOOO not fuel efficient, and the guy that drives me is a complete asshole". Unfortunately a Cooper might not do very well in the conditions I described before.
I heard on Car Talk that a Subaru Legacy is less fuel efficient than a Forester so I decided to go for the last one. I'm also fond of Honda because they are a very good quality vehicle and I was sort of curious about the new CR-Vs.
SO I went for a little trip to the car dealers and my first stop was Honda. And here comes my horror story. As soon as I got off the car a sales person immediately greeted me. I told her I was very reluctant to buy anything but I was curious to see what was on the market. She immediately went off to show me the sedans. The problem, I explained, is that due to control issues I like to drive a manual transmission. She explained to me that they did not have these in Sedan and proceeded to show me the CR-V. It was beautiful, all I ever dreamed off and the smell was so good. She must have notice my delight because in no time I had the keys and I was going out for a test drive. Soft soft drive.
I was confused by the clean ride, I'm so used to do hard changes with the transmission that it was very hard for me to figure out with this one which gear was I getting into. But I absolutely loved it. And that was the end of the nice experience. As soon we were done I became a hostage. I was their pray and they would not let go until getting every single drop of my blood. I was scared and wanted to run away. For some sick and perverse reason my husband was actually enjoying himself. He was so amused by the way they kept on lowering the numbers every time I told them I would not buy the car before going home and think about it first. They offered me numbers and more numbers, and I started to feel dizzy and more confused every time. Then they offered me to give them my own numbers and I was about to throw up. Then the guy told me to just take the car home for a week trial! I didn't know they would do such a thing which would explain the enormous amount of car without a license plate in this town. Then I panic! I look up to my husband begging with my eyes for some help to get out of that nightmare but he was having way too much fun. I then said the most horrible thing a car salesperson would ever want to hear:
-I'm sorry, but I'm not taking the car on trial. My dad would always say to me "Bad fortune lies on borrowed things" and I don't need bad fortune. I will go home and think about it while I check my finances. I know that lots of Americans live their lives in debt but I can't live that way.
The guy left and I was able to escape.
I checked my watch, I had spent 3 HOURS IN THERE!!!
My husband asked me if I was up to visit Subaru but there was no way I would engage in another hard sale. I felt like run over by a train and I was physically exhausted. My husband understood and took me home right away where I felt asleep like a baby.
I think I'm holding on to our Honda Civic for another good while.

...both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate

Well, it has been quite a long time since something grabbed my attention enough to awake the obssesive unbalance that lies beneath my thoughts. After a boring Saturday I decided to rent "V for Vendetta". I wasn't really interested and my expectations were really low since I saw the name of the Wachowski Bros. among the credits. Nothing against the Matrix, the first one at least. I remember when I saw that movie for first time at the theater. It was such an experience! At that point I was also practicing under a strong discipline a form of Kung Fu and the moves and choreographies went right to the center of my heart. I was alucinating when I left the theater and I would come back to the same place to see it again and again. But then, the Matrix Reloaded happened and I completely hated it. There was something wrong about the way it was done and about the scenes, and my sisters fell asleep while watching it. Not even Keanu Reeves handsomeness was capable of keeping them awake. I was terribly dissapointed and I didn't even bother to go to see the 3rd one. Then I heard about this woman suing WB and the Wachowski Bros. for plagiarism and I tend to believe her due to the big difference between the first movie and the sequels. I read somewhere that it had to do with the fact that when the other 2 movies were being made the mind of one of the brothers simplely wasn't there.
Anyhow, I went for this movie mostly because I heard somebody telling me it was good and because the famous Brothers were not really directing nor were the creators of the story.
Boy I regret not seeing it in the big screen. I absolutely felt in love with the character, and the story and I love the questions raised mostly on the grounds of ethics. But above all the music of the language interpreted with such maestry by the incomparable voice of Hugo Weaving.
It was music, and I've been obssesed with it since.
Also this has brought a lot of debate between my husband and I regarding old english, Macbeth, Shakespeare, Don Quijote, and the use of language in general. So far I've seen the movie more than 3 times and I still love it.
Darn it! It's very late but I have so much more to talk about regarding V for Vendetta so I'll continue another day. In the meatime as a homework get the movie and enjoy as I did.

Antique Show

This is one of my guilty pleasures. I love Antiques!
This weekend there was an antique fair 2 blocks from my house and I found this amazing stand from this Chinese fellow with the most beautiful little things. I bought this tea kettle and my husband got the lock that appears on the back. Love them both!

Some Spirit Lifting

Today I woke up with the absolute and firm decision to not let the horrible events from yesterday to linger in my soul. So I went ahead and started with one of my frequent visits to Alice Peacock website and listen to this wonderful song that always makes me feel so grateful of being alive. It reminds me of the wonderful things I have and the blessings I've received. It has become some sort of battle song. Everytime I'm sad, upset or dimotivated I click on her website and listen to that song. She wrote it for a friend of hers that was suffering from cancer and inspiring her and many others with her wonderful attitude.
There are so many people that I've learnt to appreciate and when I'm feeling weak or down I raise my thoughts to them because they are an example of strength for me and I feel ashamed of my weakness when I think about them. Some of them are: my parents who fought against so much adversity and still taught me to try to always be a good person leading by their own example; my friends Laura and Karina that work 3-4 jobs to get to the places where they want to be with the people that they love; my sisters that through so much hardeness still get the strenght to become the most amazing women I know; my husband who is uncapable of one selfish thought and is the most good hearted person I've ever known in my life; my godmother that become a renegade from her family and the style of life she always knew to follow the true love of her life and built her own world from zero; and so many others.
There is still hope, and Life is still wonderful.

The Most Unwanted Visit

Today I had to do the most horrible thing I've ever done. I had to be the bearer of the most horrible news. I had to go with my boss and knock at this woman's door and tell her that her baby was dead. I thought I was going to break in tears and I felt so powerless. My boss was the one doing the talking and all I could do was to reach at this woman and hug her, but there was nothing I could have say that might have brought any comfort. Is there anything more horrible that to know that your baby has died and not to know how or where or why?
I had that baby in my arms a few months ago. She was so beautiful. She didn't deserve to die. And this woman wasn't her real mom but she loved her so much. She had her since the day she was born and after 8 months she had to return the baby to the biological mom. But it doesn't matter, because this was HER baby. And now she is dead, and there are no explanations, no information, just the certainty that she is gone. I was standing there thinking about the day I handed the baby back to the bio mom, and I wanted to yell and scream and tell this woman the truth of how the baby died, but I couldn't. I'm not allow to do so for confidentiality reasons. Again, I was powerless. And I still am. And I will be.
I feel like I have this huge heavy weight in me. It is so difficult to shake it off.
I was reading my friend's blog and she is counting her blessings. I should do the same. Maybe tomorrow I will try doing some stuff to keep myself busy and get over this horrible experience.

Sharing is Evil. Or how the Music Industry is trying to kill our freedom to share.

I'm ANGRYYYY!!!!!
When I was 12 years old my father took every pennie he had and payed for a custom guitar for me. It was the most wonderful present I ever had. It's not a professional guitar nor fancy either. Just a studio humble guitar. I learnt to play those wonderful folkloric songs my parents love and during the following years me and my guitar never separated, not even when after getting married I flew across the world to be reunited with my husband in the United States and started a new life. Because of this I know how wonderful OLGA is. What a beautiful resource and what an amazing way for musicians an amateurs like me to share our skills and learn how to play the songs we loved.
That my friends is globalization. To connect with people from the most unbelievable places in the world and share something that is understood in all languages: music.
But Now the Music Industry Wants Guitarists to Stop Sharing. Because they are not happy with the fact that they are giving for free something that could bring the industry a few more bucks.
What they seem to forget is that many of those artist that they ae trying to "protect" started in music by learning other people's songs and sharing tabs and lyrics. What is next then? To stop every teenage garage band from covering their music idols songs?
This is pure f-ing greed and I'm tired and outraged by it. Somebody need to hit the brakes here.
After all if they are intending to go on they might as well start stoping the free access to internet... oh wait... that's already happening isn't it?

The Foreigner

Yesterday I did something I've been wanting to do for quite a while.
I went ahead and created a blog in my native language oriented to people from my country where I intend to discuss politics and culture.
However, the strangest and weird thing happened. I found myself almost incapable to post. I realize I know almost nothing about my country on these days. So I went ahead and looked for bloggers from my land and then another strange thing happened.
I was unable to relate to any of their thoughts. Their were talking my language mentioning places, people, things I knew from heart better than anyone, but they felt so unrelated to me. Like if they were thing I knew but did not belong to me anymore. Even the language that always was my pride and my love, was not part of me like it used to be. The words were stuck in my brain uncapable to come out.
This is one of the saddest things ever.
When you become a visitor in your own land.

We can work it out

Ok.... I realize I have a problem. I got addicted to Youtube.
It's so easy though!
All of the sudden I can't stop watching videos of the most amazing diversity, from a guy showing how to play bass to a pre-teen that wants to be a movie director. I just enjoy to watch and wonder how did they come up with the ideas, and the time because you need some production to feel secure enough to put your stuff out there for anyone to watch and either criticize or praise.
I wish I had the creative thing on me.
I feel like I'm the most boring person I know.

Tired...

I probably didn't rest very well last night.
The day started really good and ended up really bad.
It turned out to be that the mall where we are currently working is going to be demolished. I knew that from some time now and as soon as we found out we went and looked for another place and we got a fabulous deal in a great location nearby. But still, it's so sad to see that they will demolish this place when is such a landmark and is a social point of encounter for people in this neighborhood. I love it! It's such a special place and so different from other malls.
It's a shame.
Also we found out that a family that was adopting a large group of children lost them because the father was abusive to the children in a really really scary bad way. I can't say more for reasons of confidentiality. But I just hope that the bastard doesn't get away with this. You never know when the criminal is the only son of a very rich man.
It's just depressing. I'm going home now.

The harvest...

tomatos and bell pepper

I'm ready to prepare a delicious miniature salad.

Lethal Laughter

OMG!!
I almost die a minute ago!!
I was laughing so hard that I started choking, and I could barely breath. My cats were freaking out and looked at me with faces of disapproval of course. They seem to find very discourteous of me to die on front of them.
The reason of my laughter was this entry from Acid for Blood. It turns out that Amazon is selling groceries now and some customers (oh my oh my ... I can barely control myself and keep on typing) have decided to make some reviews for some products. Please go and check out the Amazon link, it's just sooooo great. Just one thing: try to read the comments when there is somebody around that can call 911 for you. Just saying.

I Remember Paris

While the temperature keeps reaching the 3 digits I keep on staying as far from the computer as I can. The truth is that the light of the screen makes me feel already hot and sweaty.
Just moving from one side to the other of my living room makes me feel all sticky. I live in a very old house so there is not A/C but a giant and not very nice looking swamp cooler. It's a great device though, it really keeps the room nice and cool but I just hate the small sound it makes.
Not much happening lately though.
Or maybe is the fact that I can't really think of anything but my sister's arrival. I bought sheets, comforters, pillow, bath ropes and other bunch of things for her room. I don't think I've ever suffered so much to decide on colors and styles for any of the places I've lived before. I'm looking for things that are femenine but not too "girly" or childlike. I did buy a comforter pink and brown from Target with the matching set of sheets. I don't think it looks girly but who knows what my sister is going to think about it. Anyhow, I'm looking for a European and more sophisticated look. Something that says "here is sleeping a young woman that is very professional and sophisticated yet romantic and sensitive". Not easy.
I've been also thinking in our favorite TV show. We used to get together with my mom and my sisters every Friday and watch "La Femme Nikita". I even turned down invitations from boyfriends because Friday was our girls night in. We <3 that show and the whole concept was amazing. The music, clothes and the decoration were all so wonderful that I was thinking on maybe getting some detail from that show to add in my sister's room. Something that can bring to her the thought of a very modern, and romatic sort of Paris.
Ideas anyone??

I'll be seeing you

I'm so excited! My sister finally bought the tickets to come to visit me. It's a very long trip and I can not wait to see her arriving here. She is not going to be here until October but it doesn't matter. It gives me more time to prepare her room and all the stuff she might need. I'm saving money so I can take her to San Francisco, Las Vegas and Disneyland while she is here. I have so many plans!!! She is a little scared but she will get over it. I'm just worried about the entrance to the country she will be doing in DAllas, TX. The agents at customs can be a real pain in the neck and given she has only 3 hours to get from one flight to the other, she can't spend too much time just sitting there trying to explain why she is coming to the country in her bad english. Hopefully they won't be so annoying as they were with me the first time I came to visit the States. I entered the country through Atlanta. I didn't really know what to do and what paperwork to fill out and I asked a woman from Delta Airlines about it and she simplely barked at me and left me as lost as I was before talking to her. I guess it was a bad day for her. Then once I passed customs three officers stopped me and asked me all kinds of questions and while one was checking my paperwork the other were pointing to my shoes and clothes like they were very suspicious. It was the first time I was travelling anmywhere and I was all by myself. They hold me for several minutes and made me feel really uncomfortable. I'll pray my sister has better luck with that.

4th of July

Another year just siiting by myself while the rest of the people celebrates.
My husband had to go to work so I'm sitting in my living room with my kitty taking a nap right next to me.
I just grabbed a beer from the fridge and made myself a hot dog . Also I got a little bit of sherbet and I think I'll make a cup of coffe and wafers.
Very hot outside, and very georgeus too.

You have got to read and hear this!!!

Free Press : When Uninformed Senators Make Laws...

Ok, The political class in this country doesn't cease to amaze me. How can somebody put himself in a position so embarrassing like Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) did? This guy absolutely made an ass of himself. I heard his speech this morning and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. He was so passionate about making everybody understand that Net Neutrality is BAAAAAD! He even said that because of people sending videos through internet his service was delayed because somebody sent him an "internet" on Friday and he didn't receive it until Monday. Geeee!!! No wonder it took so long for him to receive it, after all it was "an internet" what was being sent!!!!
Yikes! My body is responding really bad to all this. The stresss is taking over my body... it feels like going back to my years of tech support all over again! It feels like yesterday:"Fix my internet!!". Or even more classic:" My cupholder is not working!!".
Somebody PLEASE make sure that Ted Stevens' "internet" is turned on before he grabs the phone to call his tech support!

with a little bit of sugar...

There are days in which I don't know what to do first. My brain goes in thousand different directions. I can't figure out anything and i end up just sitting down paralyzed. In moments like those I wish I could find a little bit of calm and get my thoughts in order.
Today however, I was getting really depressed and I ended up doing what I do best: looking for something to eat. And I decided to eat the wonderful cookies that my husband's grandma sent. She make these every once in a while. This woman is the sweetest lady i've met. She makes these german cookies with so much love and dedication. I hope when I get older I can be like her, and make wonderful cookies that cheer up the soul of some lonely gal somewhere far away.

Nostalgia

I've been thinking a lot about my country lately. I miss the food, the wine, the good conversation, the noise, but mostely my family.
In days like these I find myself just standing in my kitchen with a glass of table wine trying to emulate some typical recipe. I have some spices I carry with me when coming back to the States after visiting my family, and I even handled to bring some hand made clay pots.
My mom says that she can hardly believe I'm the same person I was when living under her roof. She had all these rules that I hated and some I found quite useless but now I have my own kitchen they make perfect sense. Mostly it was all about cleaning.
- Never cook before washing all the dishes.
- Always use hot water to wash the dishes and just enough soap, otherwise is a waste of both things.
- Make sure to wash all the utensils and tools as you use them. That way things don't pile up and make a big mess around the cooking area.
- Pull you hair back in a pony tail or something that assures you and everybody else it won't be appearing in the soup.
- Never cry on top of the pots and pans.
And the GOLDEN RULE: NEVER EVER cook while sitting down. Otherwise you are a lazy woman and God knows that there is no worse curse than being called that.
My mom and the rest of my family have a very strong opinion of lazy women. She would die if she sees what I've seen here sometimes: women at the store wearing pijamas. I honestly don't know if it is a trend or what, but I've surprised myself disgusted at the sight of such a sacrilege. It's like if my mom was taking over my body and soul to say "Lazy woman, that is disgusting! You must be smelling terribly, not even taking a shower today, what a shame. There is nothing I hate more than seeing women doing the houseshores in Pijamas, I have the impression they must be stinky!!". I hear my mom's voice loud and clear in my head in absolute disapproval with her always dignified look.

As I review all the rules my mom enforces in the kitchen I make sure the stove plates are as impecable as it can be and that the pots and pans get washed, dryed and stored as they are meant to be. In a few more minutes I will take them out again to cook with them, but it doesn't matter, because at the end all the rules make perfect sense to me, above all when I'm missing my mother so badly.

Delayed Post

I wrote this blog 2 days ago but I'm too cheap to pay for connection to post it right away.
Anyways, here it goes

June 14th 2006.

I’m at B&N again. This is my second night in a row.
I came here because of the wireless but I don’t feel like paying almost 4 bucks for an hour and a half of connectivity. Borders is yet worse. I like that bookstore but they are charging 6 dollars for just one hour. It’s absolutely outrageous to pay that amount just for a bit of bandwidth when they have so much available. Greedy bastards!

Anyhow. I went to an ESL orientation at a community college to see if that is useful for my sister. She is visiting me at the end of the year (Woohoo!!!) and I want her to use the time I’m going to be working in taking classes to improve her English. This one turned out to be something different from what I expected. It was more for people that is actually living in the USA, and it was for free but as a way to invest in the people that is actually taking those classes to be part of this society which is not what my sister wants to do anyways.
The orientation was still kind of funny. It was a Spanish orientation (which took me by surprise since the person that gave me the information on the phone neglected to mention this detail) directed by an Iranian woman that openly admitted never studying Spanish and speaking very little. Mostly it was spanglish and a very confused one. She spent most of the time trying to make the attendees (everyone there was Latin) that USA was a great country and the land of opportunity and how they could be millionaires if they learnt English.

I think I’ll end up again at the university level, and although is a lot more expensive is more oriented towards the goals my sister has in mind.

And changing the subject. Today my garden looked wonderful but I had to cover the seedlings because it was getting cold outside, which is very weird given that we are reaching summer. My tomatoes are growing big and pretty and my herbs look just beautiful. The only thing I’m obsessed about is getting a Lemon Verbena for my herbal garden. I want to put a leave or two in my mate, like my mom does. I can’t remember the name we give to this herb in my country. Also, I have these seeds of Nasturtium I haven’t sown but I can’t find a good spot for them. It has to be sunny and it has to be somewhere that they can climb because is a vine after all. Another project is making a planter to put outside my kitchen window. It’s not very sunny but I think it has enough light to have some herbs and some flowers growing.

I know it’s little too in advance but I can stop thinking about the winter and how is going to affect my garden. It kills me to think that some of my herbs will not survive it.
I try to think in how to make a greenhouse that will protect my herbs and plants for the winter but I can’t really come up with any idea that makes good sense.

My Minnesota Home

We just got out of the movies.
We went to see A Prairie Home Companion after several attempts during the whole busy past weekend. I cried so much and laughed so much that I was unbelievably upset for not being able to control this hurricane of emotions that was shaking me. I don’t know if all the other people felt like I felt watching the movie or if it had some sort of special meaning for me. The music has a lot to do with it. It was real music, the one that comes out of the heart of people that works the land and the country. Those that really know about hard work and hard life period. It reminded me of papaw and his stories. It made me feel like I should write a song myself about simple things that fulfill the souls of those hardworking people, like my parents and grandparents, including my adoptive grandparents. Oh boy how close to home all that felt! And I’m not even a native from the Midwest! It was like all of the sudden I had my own memories of a place in which I never lived and in a time where I wasn’t even born.
All these small details that should be meaningless for me turned out to be embedded in my heart after all. It is very hard to describe what was going on inside me while sitting in the theater. I was able to relate to almost every character in that movie, like I knew them all for a long time, and not because I listen to the radio show every weekend, but because in some moment of my life I’ve met every one of those characters for real.
All that theater environment, the music, the singers, the whole show seemed like it was a very familiar place, a place where I should be right now.

Current Affairs

I'm at the office. The other girl that works with me and the one that gives me directions has gone on vacations to Disneyland. So I'm all by myself trying to keep busy and entertained. It's hard when most of the stuff I get to work on comes from only one person and she is gone.
But I want to clarify that I'm not complaining. I love my job and I love to do the stuff I do here.
In fact I have presented my resignation to my second job (the one at the store) so I can spend more time at the non profit volunteering a few hours when they need it.
We have so much stuff going on and I'm so excited to participate in everything!
This has definitely given my life a new turn and a totally different new feeling about the world.
Another plus: it's at a walking distance from home, and as soon as I finish with my job at the store I'll start biking to come to work. That will save me a few bucks by not spending too much in gas. Above all now that the prices are soaring so badly.

These past nights I've been sleeping very bad. I had horrible nightmares all week and last night I had one about a girl that got fired at the store where I work. She started just a few weeks ago and last Saturday, I think, she was trying to leave with 2 bags stuffed with clothes, worth more than $400. Fortunately for the store and unfortunately for her the security people saw her and stopped her. She got very nervous and said she had left the receipt on the second floor. Since it was her time to leave the security guys held on to the bags and told her to bring the receipt the next day. She showed up to work next day just as if nothing happened and later on got escorted by the manager out of the building. I know that what she did was very dishonest and under no circunstance I justify it but I feel really bad for her. She is very young and evidently very stupid. She told everyone there that she was saving money to get breast implants althought she was struggling to pay her rent. She is just 19 years old, just graduated from High School last year and is living a life of poverty out of home, telling lies just for the heck of it and stealing junk to get bigger breasts. I hate when people tells me "Awell, many of us had a hard life and we are not thieves". I particularly feel I had a hard life too and yet I don't feel I have the moral authority to judge this girl from this throne of virtues everybody seems so eager to sit on. Where is compassion nowadays?

Other Side of the World

Well, and another day has passed me by.
I didn't do much besides mowing the lawn of the front yard.
My cats are in desperate need of attention but I can't give it to them since there are so many other things in my head right now.
Today I was at the store (my second job), and I really didn't feel like selling anything or being there at all. I'm glad that the few guys that work with me there that keep me laughing most of the day. They tell me that I' so sweet and all that jazz. I just feel like I'm deceiving them because I'm far from being sweet. I love those guys. Most of the time I feel like hugging them. They are so huggable!!!
Joe comes from Boston and hehas a strong accent and I simplely love it! I wish he kept on talking because is so fascinating to hear it. Roger is such a funny guy and he has always something completely outrageous to say. Bob is an older fellow and I've learnt to appreciate his company as well. I'm getting their emails and phone numbers to see if we can get together when we are off from work.

Ops! Time for me to go and pick up my husband!!
ttfn

Same Kind of Crazy

Well, I started at my new job with a non profit and so far... I love it!
I'm a little scared because I'm so excited about it and I'm so scared at the same time!
I'm affraid that I change my mind and I find it not so fun in a week or two.
My brain is going at 2000 mph thinking of all the things I want to do and all the things I don't know how to do.
Right now the biggest thing I need to do is setting up my router and my home network. Getting a domain and put to work my server.
I have a computer that I will use as a server. I still don't know how I'm going to do it but I guess you learn by doing don't you?
Also I need to work on my personal webpage and on my garden journal. I'm working on my garden althought last week was too crazy for me to "stop and smell the roses". I've been taking pictures of the progress but I need to take the pictures and do a compilation of all the stuff.
My husband is going to build a nice desk for my computer and that should make things easier... I guess. It's just that I don't have enough time to do things.
I've got two jobs and it's really impossible to rest. I try to sleep at night but I can't rest my mind.
Everything is so crazy!

At last

Well, and it looks like finally the spring has decided to start in this town. I found this tiny and shy bulb growing on the side of my fence.

I quickly grabbed my gardening gloves and planted the summer bulbs. You know, irises and lilies.
I would have don more but I'm affraid I was too worried about my cat trying to get out on the street.
Sometimes when I go out to garden I let him make me company so he can run and play on the grass. Very rarely he adventures outside the fence but it's good to keep an eye on him.

Little Miss

Well, I gave my notice.
I feel so free now!
Finally I will have time to do the stuff I want to do. Live a little!!
I have some projects already:

1. Put together my server and my router.
2. Organize the house with the furniture I don't have
3. clean up the garden and plant the bulbs for summer.
4. Take my kitties to the vet.

Those are all things I've put aside because I was way to busy to even breath.
But things have changed now and I have to make the most of it.

Human

Well, I'm in a new job. Actually, not so new. I started exactly a month ago but I'm ready to quit. Things didn't work out. It's a real mess over here. I'm supposed to be doing customer service but it is not happening and I've been reduced to spend the day entering data.
I love the people though, they are really sweet and good people overall. But I can't stand the job itself. In fact, I'm willing to leave for a job at a non-profit where I won't get paid at all.
After all I still have another part time job at a store where surprisingly I'm having fun!
Awell, I'll try to post a little more often so I can keep this blog more up to date

Don't Wait too long

Today I stopped by the offices where I temped back in October as a receptionist. People seemed happy to see me. I wanted to see them too and see how things are going and of course use the oportunity to let them know I'm still looking for a job. Looked like they would be very happy if I get to work with them again, but I have to be careful with whatever they offer me. I'm affraid I might be underestimated once again.

Everytime I talk to my sister about my job related issues she seems to get really upset at me. I think she blames everything on me somehow. And maybe she is right. Maybe I am the problem. How is that most of people seems to be fine and be able to find their way through whatever job is left on their laps? I don't get it.
I don't thinkI've ever been happy on a job. I've hated them all!
Do I hate to work? Is that the problem?
Many time I've thought that maybe I was born to be a housewife. Stay-home-mom as they call it now.
I picture myself full of children making preserves and canning veggies for winter. Spending my whole day in the kitchen preparing all kind of dishes that my children will remember till the day they die because nobody will cook like me.

But how is that I can't find anything further than that to fulfill me?
I remember when I was 10 years old and we were taugth the talents story from the Bible. Basically said that if you don't use your talents you lose them. The only real talent I think I have is my voice. Maybe that is where I should find my way and I'm just wasting time right now.
Whatever it is my vocation I just want to know what a heck it is... the soonest the better.

Just like a fish

I like writting when I have the inspiration to do so, but today and yesterday too, I only got to the blogging affairs due to the fact that at my new job I have nothing to do. I'm literally just sitting on my desk reorganizing over and over the penholder, stapler, etc. I've cleaned the desk so many times that I know every spot by heart.
My boss just passed by and commented out loud:
-Oh! She is cleaning her desk 'cause apparently she has a lot of time to do it.
It wasn't in bad mood... I think. I can never be sure because I rarely talk to him.

When I came here I came because they promissed me a lot of stuff to do and oportunities to grow.
Grow my derriere I guess because is the only thing I notice increasing during this past week.
My supervisor is losing her mind trying to find projects for me and stuff to keep me busy but I'm evidently way too fast for them.
For what everybody says, what takes me just and hour or so to do, it would take about two days to the person they had before me, and if that wasn't enough it would be done with lots of errors.
In my humble opinion they don't need somebody like me here. They just need somebody mildly competent.

Of course when I have that amount of down time the first thing that comes to mind is watering plants.
I kind of got tired of cleaning my desk. I'm affraid the plants will die due to overwatering.

Maybe I should concentrate on that fishing tank they have next to me. It makes some awful noises and it's getting in my nerves. I have so much time to kill that I'll end up either fixing it or drawning in it.

Back to winter

The last week had been so georgeous. Amazingly beautiful days full of sun and birds singing everywhere. I even got to buy a few bulbs to plant in my garden to later realize that is not spring yet. I guess in the West you have the shortest winters which I love.
But this morning my dream of a short winter kind of broke. Snow everywhere and even with a shinny sun there are still some flakes flying around.
The differnce with the midwest is that here I can see the mountains and I forget that it's so cold and that just yesterday I was wearing a short sleeve shirt.
God I love those mountains. They are so beautiful that now I can imagine living anywhere else away from them. They lift my spirit and help me to keep on going.
I guess that is hard for anyone that grew up without them to understand the importance that this creation's presence has in my life. I grew up watching the mountains every single day of my life. They are like a mother figure or as my sister would say :" It's like a birthmark".

The Grass is Green

I'm upset.
This time is at myself though.
It seems like I'm uncapable of putting my foot down (new phrase I learned) when it's about the money.
Once again I got set in a job that I can't care less about and earning just enough to cver my needs. This is so stupid.
I've been lucky that I have to deal with nice people that treats me ok, but that doesn't pay my bills.
I come from a culture where you should be grateful you have a job to start with, so it's very hard for me to say "Sorry but this is not what I'm looking for". I feel like I have to always give it a try. It's like a voice in my head that will shout "Don't you dare to let this job oportunity pass by... you are lucky they want you when so many other people is unemployed out there".
That voice coincidentially sounds a lot like my father's.
When I started working (right after high school) I went for a job at a Tennis Club. They were looking for a Programmer (which is what I am) but what they really needed was a secretary that could deal with a Macintosh. It was just for the weekends and holidays. I accepted just to be able to give it a try and because I wasn't sure what it was that they wanted me to do. When I told my father that I hated it and that I was going to quit he yelled at me and he seemed so dissapointed that I didn't last more than a month and that I wasn't willing to try longer. He didn't understand what was wrong with it. That story has haunted me for years till now, and probably will keep on going because I don't seem to find the strength to overpower it.
Right now I'm working doing things I was never interested in doing. Yesterday somebody even asked me to water the plants and I almost burst into tears, not because I think is something too low for me or anything like that, but as I was filling up the watering can I saw me 10 years ago ready for greater things and ready to conquer the world of technology and then I was here again 10 years later filling up a watering can while I paid attention so I wouldn't miss a call.
I think I will stay for a bit on this job while something better shows up. On my part I'm already working to make things happen.The only plants I'm willing to water are the ones in my garden, the rest should never be my bussiness.

Bewitched

Bewitched: "After one whole quart of brandy

Like a daisy I'm awake

With no roma seltzer handy

I don't even shake.

Men are not a new sensation

I've done pretty well I think

But this half-pint imitation

Put me on the blink....."

Well, I'm finally home after a midless day of work... filing papers.
I can't believe that's what I'm doing right now. But it will last only until next week when I finish my job and I move from my apartment to a cute little cottage style house in a much more quiet and nicer neighborhood. I will miss downtown but I'm just moving like a mile away. It not the same though. I can't walk to the theather and coffee shops and casinos anymore. I mean, I could, but it would be really exhausting. Biking it's more like it. I do have a coffee shop a block away, i noticed. Now I have a pretty little garden with roses and a cherry tree, humingbirds included. Also there is a vine covered deck with a built-in grill. The vines are sleeping now but I can forget about that in the meantime while I seat comfortable next to my fireplace with a nice cup of cocoa. I guess I will miss a little the New York feeling my tiny apartment gives me, but I'll get over it.
Yes, sometimes luck happens.