Monday, October 04, 2004
Last night it took me forever to fall asleep. I had so many things in my head.
I kept rolling without being able to even close my eyes so I decided to get up and take a book.
When I went to visit my family last December I bought this book, a judge’s autobiography. I feel a lot of admiration for that woman. I like the things she says and I like her integrity. She feels so real to me. I guess one of the most important things in life is integrity. Having always just one side. That tomorrow my children will never have a reason to be ashamed of their mother. That I always acted with justice and that even when things didn’t seem easy, at least I had my conscience in peace because I did what I thought it was the right thing to do and not the most convenient or the one that would satisfy only my needs. And even if people thought I was crazy or just ridiculous, I would go after my dream and fight for the noblest goals to make this world a better place.
It’s funny how some things look and sound real sometimes, and how the things that you hold dear in you heart feel so fake sometimes.
My antidepressants didn’t work last night. I was devastated. Somebody that I loved very much, one of the persons that I love more than anything in this world has been lying to me and to everyone. This person is ruining her life in the worst way possible, destroying the lives of innocents and building her happiness with the pain and sorrow of people that don’t deserve it. I feel sad and powerless. What can I do? I don’t feel I have the authority to step up front and tell this person “Hey, this is the way you have to live your life and you are doing everything wrong!” because it’s not my job to pontificate. I love this person almost more than myself and it gets really hard to understand how somebody can become so selfish. I’d rather that the people I love die of starvation that having them selling their souls to the devil for a few crumbs.
Where did you my dear lose your soul?