Not Ready to make Nice

Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I'm still mad that is true. Today somebody mentioned this dumbass' name and I felt as angry as I was last Sunday when I realized my stuff was gone. Today some of the stuff that was taken from us was returned, but my cd player nor the speakers we bought for the office were among those things. I really doubt I see them again.
So tonight I went and got some gift cards I receive as Christmas present from work and I got myself an Ipod. It still doesn't make me feel any better though.
I feel so rotten inside, not because of the cd player but because all this situation has showed me what kind of person this guy is and is bringing the worst from me to the surface. I feel hate and thI just can't stand to even hear his name.
pheewww!!!
How can some people be so imbecil!!

Patience

Patience,
originally uploaded by dhammza.

Ohhhhhhh... Today was one of those days in which I almost reach the top of my patience. The idiot resposible for the loss of my beloved and arcaic cd player was at the office today. I couldn't make eye contact with him. I was affraid that my eyes were machine guns and he would get shooted by them. I tried really hard to not show him how i felt because he is (apparently) a big asset for the non-profit. For what I've heard he has gotten a lot of money in donation for the Christmas presents and Holiday Party. Also he knows how to write grants and has a lot of experience in that area. Otherwise I would have already exploded.
He is a complete a******.

God is trying to tell me something

Waiting for rebirth,
originally uploaded by access.denied.

I guess.

The other day I was watching just some silly movie and one phrase got stuck in my head: " Live everyday like it was on purpose". And tonight I started watching another silly movie and It turned out to be all about living life to the fullest. It kind of came in a good moment because I really needed some help to appreciate things around me.
Lately I have been feeling a little down.
The usual. I feel like I'm not moving anywhere, like I have no help from anybody and no support. Sometimes I just want for somebody to notice my needs and give me some support or some rest, but most of the time I am the one doing that job for everyone. I kind of have to wait for my turn, but my patience is running thin.
Things have not been easy for me lately. I worked really hard on a holiday party for needy Children and while I was there somebody got into my office and stole a cd player I got from my my kudos at my first job in USA some years ago. It wasn't anything modern, I know, but it had a sentimental value. The guy responsible for this situation didn't even acknowledge the loss and didn't give it any importance. I got so angry. I put him on my sh** list right away. I better don't see his face in a while.
So that was the last straw really, from several days of hard, hard work, little sleep and big efforts to make a happy family, a happy work place and a better world. Sometimes I feel like the only one person that appreciates what I do is my boss, and isn't that somthing weird? Usually is the opposite for most of people.
Now I think God wants me to know that I need to start taking control of my life.
I feel like I'm living in one of those dreams where you need to run but your legs are not moving and your body just doesn't respond, if anything it moves so slowly that you can't go anywhere anyways. Can you wake up from that nightmare anyways?
Maybe I just need to watch another silly movie to hear the answer.

Constant Presence

When I was a child I used to joke with my favorite aunt because non of us had grandparents. I had my mother's side grandfather and I loved him dearly but he died when I was 9. My grandmother (his wife) was never very affectionated and since she lived in the other side of the country I would rarely see her anyways. On my father's side my grandmother was all the oppossite. She would play with me and tell me the most funny stories but then diabetes got the best of her and she even forgot the name of my sisters. She would remember my name until the day she died though. Her husband (my so called grandfather) never cared for me or my sisters. We were just a disspointment for him, we were "just women" and he expected the fisrt child of his first child to be a man.
My aunt Olga would tell me that we should be called "the ones without Grandparents".
Many years later I met a man that adopted me as his own granddaughter and he is constntly in my mind. I can hear his voice in other people's voice, his face in other people's faces. It's like I'm being constantly reminded that he was here and what he meant to me. Now I'm listening to old songs he told me he would sing while travelling around the country as a hobo when he was 15 years old. I miss him. I'll always will.

Of cats and mice

It has been already a week of my sister visiting and we have already an issue. Apparently she doesn't approve of me having the cats indoors. I explained to her that we keep them away from diseases and other parasites that way and althought I allow the boy to go outside from time to time it's only if I'm going to be there with him to make sure he is not running to the street or chasing the birds. Last night the girl was a little sick apparently and she had something gross on her hair. My husband and I grabbed her and cleaned her up but this seems to have upset my sister because she locked herself in her room. We were getting ready to have dinner and when we got to the table she had picked her plate and took it with her as well. My husband was very puzzled by this. I mean, we have done anything but being nice to her and providing her with whatever she needs or wants and even more. I don't see why would she get so freaked out by something so small.
Sometimes pets get sick and you have to help them. What m I supposed to do? Let the cat go screw herself and send her to freeze to death out the door? These kitties are my family. When I was all by myself in the Midwest they were my only company and I see them as a very important part of my life. Just because she doesn't feel the same way I'm not about to change the way I treat them. It's not like I feed them from my spoon or my plate or anything like that. Their litter box is clean and I take them to the vet as often as possible. In the case of the girl because of her issues I need to take her every three months so she stays out of trouble.
Awell, I guess her attitude may be something that has nothing to do with the kitties and is more about the uncapability of being grateful for the things you have and appreciating when people gives you love.

Halloween is almost here...

... and so is my sister. That's funny!
;P
Do you get it?? Because she is wicked!
and it's halloween!
(cricket noises here)
I have no freaking idea what to do for halloween. I don't know if children in this neighborhood do trick or treat at all. I hope they do. When I was in the Midwest I never saw anybody asking for candy around my neighborhood which was very dissapointing.
Anyhow, my husband and I bought this very cool soda from Target, it's called Spider Cider from Jones Soda and I liked it a lot. I bought several tiny cans to give away. If nobody comes I'll drink them all.
Also I want to make some decoration once my sister is here. I want her to enjoy a very american visit so she can say she was actually here and it was worth the money. That was an issue while I lived in the Midwest. Nobody was interested in visiting me.
I also want to decorate the office with halloween stuff. My boss said it was ok but she asked me not to get carried away. That won't be easy.

Rectangule of Bermudas

Bed + new mac + zefrank.com + cold medicine = happily wasted hours of my life

In perspective...

I just came back from our Board Meeting. I only got up from bed to attend the meeting and help on whatever was necessary. The office was down. I mean no connectivity, no internet. Something happened last night i guess and the energy went out because my computer was turned off and the modem from the DSL was blinking. I restarted everything but the conection wouldn't come back. I'll see what I do about it tomorrow.
Now I feel worst thn before. My throat hurts and my coughing doesn't stop. It makes e feel very crappy. Awell.
The cats are the only ones that seem to enjoy this. They love it when I stay in bed late and better yet if I don't get up at all. That means they can come and sleep around my feet or on the chair next to my bed. They keep me company and they look so cute taking their naps next to me.
My husband has been taking good care of me. Giving me medicine and maing sure I actually take it. He went and bought a wireless router so I can work with my laptop from my bed. Such a sweetie pie!
This week is going to fly by. This weekend is full of events including a reception at a friend's house to celebrate the adoption of her son. Then, the next morning another event to raise money for children and next week my sister is arriving to Reno.
I feel like I don't have time for anything. But I'm enjoying myself, even with this awful cold.

Early departure

Well, the cold is getting bad now so I'm getting back home. My husband just finished his classes and he is picking me up. I'm craving chinesse food. I don't know why, but I crve chinesse food everytime I'm sick. Weird.
Besides the fact that my only meal today was a cup of tea in the morning and a cup of coffee this afternoon. I guess my eating habts are not very healthy but I don't have much time for cooking. I always find something more important to do than standing in my kitchen. I'll blog more later... got to leave the office.

Sitting at home

My husband got a cold and now I got it as well.
Although I don't feel miserable yet, I feel very uncomfortable in my own skin.
So I'm sitting in my couch with my laptop and my CSS book trying to decide what is better, browsing the net or reading the book.
I just want to work on my organization's website which is not very pretty but I want to make it compliant with Web standards and I want to use CSS. However there is one problem. I've never worked with CSS. That is why I bought the book, but I hate to get my finger off the laptop and read. I understand this is absolutely necessary in order to be able to code. I wish I could do like Trinity in The Matrix when she makes a simple phone cal and from that she automatically learns to pilot a helicopter.
I better get back to the book and hopefully I will learn something that will help me to progress with my code.

e-mail challenged

Things re a little crazy around my job. Good and bad things.
We are receiving a lot of compliments and recognition in the last few months and that is great. So my boss sent this great email to everybody telling them how awesome recognitions we got and that the last one is requiring a trip to receive a prize. Everything was ok to that point. Then, this morning one of our board members replied the email to everyone complaining about the fact that is my boss the one traveling and why can't other board members like himself go as well. There are a few serious problems with this email:
1. The list of email addresses to which he replied included not only board members but also our founders, VIPs from our county and State, and media.
2. He used vocabulary very innapropiate. He referred to our founders as "higher ups" and the officials and people that advocates in our favor as "those with the purse strings".
3. This is not the first time that this exact type of indiscretion happens... with him. Also is not the first time that this type of situation is addressed by the other Board members. All in less than 3 months.

Needless to say, this could hurt us really bad given that we have been working so hard to gain respect from the County and the State and now they all must be thinking that we are nothing but blood suckers and we care more about a free trip and their grants than providing service to our community.
What a shame!

Mixed Signals

Sit tibi terra levis,
originally uploaded by Manel

This morning I ended up at one of NPR blogs and althought was a very blah one I found great links to better blogs.
I'm one of those people that never have enough. I go home after work and spent long hours sitting on front of my laptop browsing, reading, browsing some more and reading yet more. I'm constantly looking for good blogs, that are not too pretentious, but are fun to follow. So far my favorites are the ones I have linked in this page, but I have to admit that I can't be one day without checking the feeds from Tara Hunt. She is in big part to blame for at least half of my anxiety (the other half is my fault plus other blogs I read as well). When I read her blog and I see how fast she has achieved so many great things I look at my fat reflection in the mirror and I realized that I've spent the whole afternoon on my computer and achieved nothing. So I get this super loud voice yelling at me:
- You are wasting your life away... AGAIN!!! Three years in the Midwest didn't teach you anything???!!
-Well, is not like I know what I want to do.
- Are you sure??? Because as far as I know I'm the voice in your head and it's a little crowded over here.
-What do you mean.
- I can't believe you are pretending not to notice. You are so pathetic when you do that.
- Hey! Who gave you the right to talk to me like that! You are living in my head, remember? I demand respect, or else.
-Or else?
- Yes, or else. I own my head and I can get you evicted anytime if I want to.
- Hahaha. That is funny. I know my rights and I also know that if you try to get rid of me I have enough material to leave you with your head like you want but also with no will to do anything productive from then on. Remember, after all the neglect you have subjected this place to I get to take with me your will and your (almost unused) creative power. I would leave you with only your sad conformity and you'd become another little ant walking around, totally unmissed by anyone.
- Hummm... well, we don't need to yell at each other like this after all. You know very well I wouldn't evict you anyways. That is just the frustration talking.
- Which brings me back to the point that is very crowded in here.
- And that brings me back to the part where I don't get what you are talking about.
- When I first started living in here so many years ago, everything was great. Life was simple and I had a huge yard to enjoy the growing of ideas and the development of the neighborhood. But from some time to this point the development has gotten way out of control. Now I don’t even get to sit outside to see ideas growing on the yard. You started building around this property so much that now my yard has become a high traffic area for the handful of shady tenants you’ve got. The soil is still fertile but the ideas tree never gets to ripen any fruit. That lady, the one that looks like has never taken a shower in her life comes over and steals them when they are only green! Yes, that what her name?
- Frustration?
-Yes! That one! Filthy bitch. And that is not all!! I can’t stand the noise anymore. This guy, Anxiety. He seems a quiet fellow and I thought everything would be ok. But every day and night he is working with his obnoxious power tools doing who knows what, but I can’t hear my own thoughts. With all that noise every little thing I try to do has to be stoped because nothing is enjoyable anymore. And so many more of those low-life are coming to invade my privacy that I’m seriously thinking of relocating, but I tell you: I do that and you better forget about the yard because none of these assholes is going to take care of it and most likely in less of a month this will be a desert and you will have to build some parking lot instead. That will please so much that fat idiot that has been trying to put that business here for so long. That fat Complacency guy.
- I swear, I noticed things were going down, but I try to keep up. It’s not easy when there so much going on in my life.
- Listen, this is not my problem. It’s really yours, and you better fix it… or else.

Amanda is still on

I was wondering where Amanda Congdon went. I knew her blog was about to retire but I never checked back what happened. I'm very pleased to discover she is still on business and I loved this interview in particular.
I think is very disturbing that people close their eyes and cover their ears to what is really happening out there. In this country we hear constantly the word "freedom" but what is freedom really? I don't think people really understand the value of this because most of them don't understand what it is like to be without freedom.

Words in Wartime

hulk angry,
originally uploaded by owenbooth.

My husband gets really mad everytime he hears anybody calling a regimen fascist. Most of the time is just the wrong word and has nothing to do with the message that wants to be put accross. I found this very interesting article where Joseph Sobran talks about it.
Sometimes people just wants to show their anger and uses anything that sounds ugly enough. Sometimes to show the frustration many throw the Hitler comparissons on the table too.

"The Left has been using fascism as a cussword since the days of Hitler and Mussolini. It was already very old and weary by the time it was annexed to Islam. But what’s fascistic about al-Qaeda, unless fascist just means a form of politics I don’t like, which doesn’t take us very far toward understanding what it is?"

Thanks Owenbooth for the awesome picture of the angry Hulk.

Hard Sale

We finally reached that point and my husband invited me to go and look for a new car. I've mentioned lately that I would like to have a 4WD, mostly because of the mountains. I love to go on trips crossing the mountains but the weather not always is nice and in those opportunities I wish I had a 4WD, so I wouldn't have to get off the car and put chains and freeze my hands off. Also it gives me a (maybe totally false) sense of security. Being trapped on top of the mountains in a snow storm surrounded by semi trucks is far from being desirable.
I've been thinking of going for a Subaru because is not flashy and it has a good mileage. I'm not a Hummer person. I'm more of a Mini Cooper sort of girl. I love that they are so small and minimalistic and yet they have the sport side that gives me a little of an adrenaline rush. They say "I'm small but I'm still kicking your ass". The Hummer in my opinion only says "I'm huge, expensive, SOOOO not fuel efficient, and the guy that drives me is a complete asshole". Unfortunately a Cooper might not do very well in the conditions I described before.
I heard on Car Talk that a Subaru Legacy is less fuel efficient than a Forester so I decided to go for the last one. I'm also fond of Honda because they are a very good quality vehicle and I was sort of curious about the new CR-Vs.
SO I went for a little trip to the car dealers and my first stop was Honda. And here comes my horror story. As soon as I got off the car a sales person immediately greeted me. I told her I was very reluctant to buy anything but I was curious to see what was on the market. She immediately went off to show me the sedans. The problem, I explained, is that due to control issues I like to drive a manual transmission. She explained to me that they did not have these in Sedan and proceeded to show me the CR-V. It was beautiful, all I ever dreamed off and the smell was so good. She must have notice my delight because in no time I had the keys and I was going out for a test drive. Soft soft drive.
I was confused by the clean ride, I'm so used to do hard changes with the transmission that it was very hard for me to figure out with this one which gear was I getting into. But I absolutely loved it. And that was the end of the nice experience. As soon we were done I became a hostage. I was their pray and they would not let go until getting every single drop of my blood. I was scared and wanted to run away. For some sick and perverse reason my husband was actually enjoying himself. He was so amused by the way they kept on lowering the numbers every time I told them I would not buy the car before going home and think about it first. They offered me numbers and more numbers, and I started to feel dizzy and more confused every time. Then they offered me to give them my own numbers and I was about to throw up. Then the guy told me to just take the car home for a week trial! I didn't know they would do such a thing which would explain the enormous amount of car without a license plate in this town. Then I panic! I look up to my husband begging with my eyes for some help to get out of that nightmare but he was having way too much fun. I then said the most horrible thing a car salesperson would ever want to hear:
-I'm sorry, but I'm not taking the car on trial. My dad would always say to me "Bad fortune lies on borrowed things" and I don't need bad fortune. I will go home and think about it while I check my finances. I know that lots of Americans live their lives in debt but I can't live that way.
The guy left and I was able to escape.
I checked my watch, I had spent 3 HOURS IN THERE!!!
My husband asked me if I was up to visit Subaru but there was no way I would engage in another hard sale. I felt like run over by a train and I was physically exhausted. My husband understood and took me home right away where I felt asleep like a baby.
I think I'm holding on to our Honda Civic for another good while.

...both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate

Well, it has been quite a long time since something grabbed my attention enough to awake the obssesive unbalance that lies beneath my thoughts. After a boring Saturday I decided to rent "V for Vendetta". I wasn't really interested and my expectations were really low since I saw the name of the Wachowski Bros. among the credits. Nothing against the Matrix, the first one at least. I remember when I saw that movie for first time at the theater. It was such an experience! At that point I was also practicing under a strong discipline a form of Kung Fu and the moves and choreographies went right to the center of my heart. I was alucinating when I left the theater and I would come back to the same place to see it again and again. But then, the Matrix Reloaded happened and I completely hated it. There was something wrong about the way it was done and about the scenes, and my sisters fell asleep while watching it. Not even Keanu Reeves handsomeness was capable of keeping them awake. I was terribly dissapointed and I didn't even bother to go to see the 3rd one. Then I heard about this woman suing WB and the Wachowski Bros. for plagiarism and I tend to believe her due to the big difference between the first movie and the sequels. I read somewhere that it had to do with the fact that when the other 2 movies were being made the mind of one of the brothers simplely wasn't there.
Anyhow, I went for this movie mostly because I heard somebody telling me it was good and because the famous Brothers were not really directing nor were the creators of the story.
Boy I regret not seeing it in the big screen. I absolutely felt in love with the character, and the story and I love the questions raised mostly on the grounds of ethics. But above all the music of the language interpreted with such maestry by the incomparable voice of Hugo Weaving.
It was music, and I've been obssesed with it since.
Also this has brought a lot of debate between my husband and I regarding old english, Macbeth, Shakespeare, Don Quijote, and the use of language in general. So far I've seen the movie more than 3 times and I still love it.
Darn it! It's very late but I have so much more to talk about regarding V for Vendetta so I'll continue another day. In the meatime as a homework get the movie and enjoy as I did.

Antique Show

This is one of my guilty pleasures. I love Antiques!
This weekend there was an antique fair 2 blocks from my house and I found this amazing stand from this Chinese fellow with the most beautiful little things. I bought this tea kettle and my husband got the lock that appears on the back. Love them both!

Some Spirit Lifting

Today I woke up with the absolute and firm decision to not let the horrible events from yesterday to linger in my soul. So I went ahead and started with one of my frequent visits to Alice Peacock website and listen to this wonderful song that always makes me feel so grateful of being alive. It reminds me of the wonderful things I have and the blessings I've received. It has become some sort of battle song. Everytime I'm sad, upset or dimotivated I click on her website and listen to that song. She wrote it for a friend of hers that was suffering from cancer and inspiring her and many others with her wonderful attitude.
There are so many people that I've learnt to appreciate and when I'm feeling weak or down I raise my thoughts to them because they are an example of strength for me and I feel ashamed of my weakness when I think about them. Some of them are: my parents who fought against so much adversity and still taught me to try to always be a good person leading by their own example; my friends Laura and Karina that work 3-4 jobs to get to the places where they want to be with the people that they love; my sisters that through so much hardeness still get the strenght to become the most amazing women I know; my husband who is uncapable of one selfish thought and is the most good hearted person I've ever known in my life; my godmother that become a renegade from her family and the style of life she always knew to follow the true love of her life and built her own world from zero; and so many others.
There is still hope, and Life is still wonderful.

The Most Unwanted Visit

Today I had to do the most horrible thing I've ever done. I had to be the bearer of the most horrible news. I had to go with my boss and knock at this woman's door and tell her that her baby was dead. I thought I was going to break in tears and I felt so powerless. My boss was the one doing the talking and all I could do was to reach at this woman and hug her, but there was nothing I could have say that might have brought any comfort. Is there anything more horrible that to know that your baby has died and not to know how or where or why?
I had that baby in my arms a few months ago. She was so beautiful. She didn't deserve to die. And this woman wasn't her real mom but she loved her so much. She had her since the day she was born and after 8 months she had to return the baby to the biological mom. But it doesn't matter, because this was HER baby. And now she is dead, and there are no explanations, no information, just the certainty that she is gone. I was standing there thinking about the day I handed the baby back to the bio mom, and I wanted to yell and scream and tell this woman the truth of how the baby died, but I couldn't. I'm not allow to do so for confidentiality reasons. Again, I was powerless. And I still am. And I will be.
I feel like I have this huge heavy weight in me. It is so difficult to shake it off.
I was reading my friend's blog and she is counting her blessings. I should do the same. Maybe tomorrow I will try doing some stuff to keep myself busy and get over this horrible experience.

Sharing is Evil. Or how the Music Industry is trying to kill our freedom to share.

I'm ANGRYYYY!!!!!
When I was 12 years old my father took every pennie he had and payed for a custom guitar for me. It was the most wonderful present I ever had. It's not a professional guitar nor fancy either. Just a studio humble guitar. I learnt to play those wonderful folkloric songs my parents love and during the following years me and my guitar never separated, not even when after getting married I flew across the world to be reunited with my husband in the United States and started a new life. Because of this I know how wonderful OLGA is. What a beautiful resource and what an amazing way for musicians an amateurs like me to share our skills and learn how to play the songs we loved.
That my friends is globalization. To connect with people from the most unbelievable places in the world and share something that is understood in all languages: music.
But Now the Music Industry Wants Guitarists to Stop Sharing. Because they are not happy with the fact that they are giving for free something that could bring the industry a few more bucks.
What they seem to forget is that many of those artist that they ae trying to "protect" started in music by learning other people's songs and sharing tabs and lyrics. What is next then? To stop every teenage garage band from covering their music idols songs?
This is pure f-ing greed and I'm tired and outraged by it. Somebody need to hit the brakes here.
After all if they are intending to go on they might as well start stoping the free access to internet... oh wait... that's already happening isn't it?