Mixed Signals

Sit tibi terra levis,
originally uploaded by Manel

This morning I ended up at one of NPR blogs and althought was a very blah one I found great links to better blogs.
I'm one of those people that never have enough. I go home after work and spent long hours sitting on front of my laptop browsing, reading, browsing some more and reading yet more. I'm constantly looking for good blogs, that are not too pretentious, but are fun to follow. So far my favorites are the ones I have linked in this page, but I have to admit that I can't be one day without checking the feeds from Tara Hunt. She is in big part to blame for at least half of my anxiety (the other half is my fault plus other blogs I read as well). When I read her blog and I see how fast she has achieved so many great things I look at my fat reflection in the mirror and I realized that I've spent the whole afternoon on my computer and achieved nothing. So I get this super loud voice yelling at me:
- You are wasting your life away... AGAIN!!! Three years in the Midwest didn't teach you anything???!!
-Well, is not like I know what I want to do.
- Are you sure??? Because as far as I know I'm the voice in your head and it's a little crowded over here.
-What do you mean.
- I can't believe you are pretending not to notice. You are so pathetic when you do that.
- Hey! Who gave you the right to talk to me like that! You are living in my head, remember? I demand respect, or else.
-Or else?
- Yes, or else. I own my head and I can get you evicted anytime if I want to.
- Hahaha. That is funny. I know my rights and I also know that if you try to get rid of me I have enough material to leave you with your head like you want but also with no will to do anything productive from then on. Remember, after all the neglect you have subjected this place to I get to take with me your will and your (almost unused) creative power. I would leave you with only your sad conformity and you'd become another little ant walking around, totally unmissed by anyone.
- Hummm... well, we don't need to yell at each other like this after all. You know very well I wouldn't evict you anyways. That is just the frustration talking.
- Which brings me back to the point that is very crowded in here.
- And that brings me back to the part where I don't get what you are talking about.
- When I first started living in here so many years ago, everything was great. Life was simple and I had a huge yard to enjoy the growing of ideas and the development of the neighborhood. But from some time to this point the development has gotten way out of control. Now I don’t even get to sit outside to see ideas growing on the yard. You started building around this property so much that now my yard has become a high traffic area for the handful of shady tenants you’ve got. The soil is still fertile but the ideas tree never gets to ripen any fruit. That lady, the one that looks like has never taken a shower in her life comes over and steals them when they are only green! Yes, that what her name?
- Frustration?
-Yes! That one! Filthy bitch. And that is not all!! I can’t stand the noise anymore. This guy, Anxiety. He seems a quiet fellow and I thought everything would be ok. But every day and night he is working with his obnoxious power tools doing who knows what, but I can’t hear my own thoughts. With all that noise every little thing I try to do has to be stoped because nothing is enjoyable anymore. And so many more of those low-life are coming to invade my privacy that I’m seriously thinking of relocating, but I tell you: I do that and you better forget about the yard because none of these assholes is going to take care of it and most likely in less of a month this will be a desert and you will have to build some parking lot instead. That will please so much that fat idiot that has been trying to put that business here for so long. That fat Complacency guy.
- I swear, I noticed things were going down, but I try to keep up. It’s not easy when there so much going on in my life.
- Listen, this is not my problem. It’s really yours, and you better fix it… or else.

Amanda is still on

I was wondering where Amanda Congdon went. I knew her blog was about to retire but I never checked back what happened. I'm very pleased to discover she is still on business and I loved this interview in particular.
I think is very disturbing that people close their eyes and cover their ears to what is really happening out there. In this country we hear constantly the word "freedom" but what is freedom really? I don't think people really understand the value of this because most of them don't understand what it is like to be without freedom.

Words in Wartime

hulk angry,
originally uploaded by owenbooth.

My husband gets really mad everytime he hears anybody calling a regimen fascist. Most of the time is just the wrong word and has nothing to do with the message that wants to be put accross. I found this very interesting article where Joseph Sobran talks about it.
Sometimes people just wants to show their anger and uses anything that sounds ugly enough. Sometimes to show the frustration many throw the Hitler comparissons on the table too.

"The Left has been using fascism as a cussword since the days of Hitler and Mussolini. It was already very old and weary by the time it was annexed to Islam. But what’s fascistic about al-Qaeda, unless fascist just means a form of politics I don’t like, which doesn’t take us very far toward understanding what it is?"

Thanks Owenbooth for the awesome picture of the angry Hulk.

Hard Sale

We finally reached that point and my husband invited me to go and look for a new car. I've mentioned lately that I would like to have a 4WD, mostly because of the mountains. I love to go on trips crossing the mountains but the weather not always is nice and in those opportunities I wish I had a 4WD, so I wouldn't have to get off the car and put chains and freeze my hands off. Also it gives me a (maybe totally false) sense of security. Being trapped on top of the mountains in a snow storm surrounded by semi trucks is far from being desirable.
I've been thinking of going for a Subaru because is not flashy and it has a good mileage. I'm not a Hummer person. I'm more of a Mini Cooper sort of girl. I love that they are so small and minimalistic and yet they have the sport side that gives me a little of an adrenaline rush. They say "I'm small but I'm still kicking your ass". The Hummer in my opinion only says "I'm huge, expensive, SOOOO not fuel efficient, and the guy that drives me is a complete asshole". Unfortunately a Cooper might not do very well in the conditions I described before.
I heard on Car Talk that a Subaru Legacy is less fuel efficient than a Forester so I decided to go for the last one. I'm also fond of Honda because they are a very good quality vehicle and I was sort of curious about the new CR-Vs.
SO I went for a little trip to the car dealers and my first stop was Honda. And here comes my horror story. As soon as I got off the car a sales person immediately greeted me. I told her I was very reluctant to buy anything but I was curious to see what was on the market. She immediately went off to show me the sedans. The problem, I explained, is that due to control issues I like to drive a manual transmission. She explained to me that they did not have these in Sedan and proceeded to show me the CR-V. It was beautiful, all I ever dreamed off and the smell was so good. She must have notice my delight because in no time I had the keys and I was going out for a test drive. Soft soft drive.
I was confused by the clean ride, I'm so used to do hard changes with the transmission that it was very hard for me to figure out with this one which gear was I getting into. But I absolutely loved it. And that was the end of the nice experience. As soon we were done I became a hostage. I was their pray and they would not let go until getting every single drop of my blood. I was scared and wanted to run away. For some sick and perverse reason my husband was actually enjoying himself. He was so amused by the way they kept on lowering the numbers every time I told them I would not buy the car before going home and think about it first. They offered me numbers and more numbers, and I started to feel dizzy and more confused every time. Then they offered me to give them my own numbers and I was about to throw up. Then the guy told me to just take the car home for a week trial! I didn't know they would do such a thing which would explain the enormous amount of car without a license plate in this town. Then I panic! I look up to my husband begging with my eyes for some help to get out of that nightmare but he was having way too much fun. I then said the most horrible thing a car salesperson would ever want to hear:
-I'm sorry, but I'm not taking the car on trial. My dad would always say to me "Bad fortune lies on borrowed things" and I don't need bad fortune. I will go home and think about it while I check my finances. I know that lots of Americans live their lives in debt but I can't live that way.
The guy left and I was able to escape.
I checked my watch, I had spent 3 HOURS IN THERE!!!
My husband asked me if I was up to visit Subaru but there was no way I would engage in another hard sale. I felt like run over by a train and I was physically exhausted. My husband understood and took me home right away where I felt asleep like a baby.
I think I'm holding on to our Honda Civic for another good while.

...both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate

Well, it has been quite a long time since something grabbed my attention enough to awake the obssesive unbalance that lies beneath my thoughts. After a boring Saturday I decided to rent "V for Vendetta". I wasn't really interested and my expectations were really low since I saw the name of the Wachowski Bros. among the credits. Nothing against the Matrix, the first one at least. I remember when I saw that movie for first time at the theater. It was such an experience! At that point I was also practicing under a strong discipline a form of Kung Fu and the moves and choreographies went right to the center of my heart. I was alucinating when I left the theater and I would come back to the same place to see it again and again. But then, the Matrix Reloaded happened and I completely hated it. There was something wrong about the way it was done and about the scenes, and my sisters fell asleep while watching it. Not even Keanu Reeves handsomeness was capable of keeping them awake. I was terribly dissapointed and I didn't even bother to go to see the 3rd one. Then I heard about this woman suing WB and the Wachowski Bros. for plagiarism and I tend to believe her due to the big difference between the first movie and the sequels. I read somewhere that it had to do with the fact that when the other 2 movies were being made the mind of one of the brothers simplely wasn't there.
Anyhow, I went for this movie mostly because I heard somebody telling me it was good and because the famous Brothers were not really directing nor were the creators of the story.
Boy I regret not seeing it in the big screen. I absolutely felt in love with the character, and the story and I love the questions raised mostly on the grounds of ethics. But above all the music of the language interpreted with such maestry by the incomparable voice of Hugo Weaving.
It was music, and I've been obssesed with it since.
Also this has brought a lot of debate between my husband and I regarding old english, Macbeth, Shakespeare, Don Quijote, and the use of language in general. So far I've seen the movie more than 3 times and I still love it.
Darn it! It's very late but I have so much more to talk about regarding V for Vendetta so I'll continue another day. In the meatime as a homework get the movie and enjoy as I did.

Antique Show

This is one of my guilty pleasures. I love Antiques!
This weekend there was an antique fair 2 blocks from my house and I found this amazing stand from this Chinese fellow with the most beautiful little things. I bought this tea kettle and my husband got the lock that appears on the back. Love them both!

Some Spirit Lifting

Today I woke up with the absolute and firm decision to not let the horrible events from yesterday to linger in my soul. So I went ahead and started with one of my frequent visits to Alice Peacock website and listen to this wonderful song that always makes me feel so grateful of being alive. It reminds me of the wonderful things I have and the blessings I've received. It has become some sort of battle song. Everytime I'm sad, upset or dimotivated I click on her website and listen to that song. She wrote it for a friend of hers that was suffering from cancer and inspiring her and many others with her wonderful attitude.
There are so many people that I've learnt to appreciate and when I'm feeling weak or down I raise my thoughts to them because they are an example of strength for me and I feel ashamed of my weakness when I think about them. Some of them are: my parents who fought against so much adversity and still taught me to try to always be a good person leading by their own example; my friends Laura and Karina that work 3-4 jobs to get to the places where they want to be with the people that they love; my sisters that through so much hardeness still get the strenght to become the most amazing women I know; my husband who is uncapable of one selfish thought and is the most good hearted person I've ever known in my life; my godmother that become a renegade from her family and the style of life she always knew to follow the true love of her life and built her own world from zero; and so many others.
There is still hope, and Life is still wonderful.

The Most Unwanted Visit

Today I had to do the most horrible thing I've ever done. I had to be the bearer of the most horrible news. I had to go with my boss and knock at this woman's door and tell her that her baby was dead. I thought I was going to break in tears and I felt so powerless. My boss was the one doing the talking and all I could do was to reach at this woman and hug her, but there was nothing I could have say that might have brought any comfort. Is there anything more horrible that to know that your baby has died and not to know how or where or why?
I had that baby in my arms a few months ago. She was so beautiful. She didn't deserve to die. And this woman wasn't her real mom but she loved her so much. She had her since the day she was born and after 8 months she had to return the baby to the biological mom. But it doesn't matter, because this was HER baby. And now she is dead, and there are no explanations, no information, just the certainty that she is gone. I was standing there thinking about the day I handed the baby back to the bio mom, and I wanted to yell and scream and tell this woman the truth of how the baby died, but I couldn't. I'm not allow to do so for confidentiality reasons. Again, I was powerless. And I still am. And I will be.
I feel like I have this huge heavy weight in me. It is so difficult to shake it off.
I was reading my friend's blog and she is counting her blessings. I should do the same. Maybe tomorrow I will try doing some stuff to keep myself busy and get over this horrible experience.

Sharing is Evil. Or how the Music Industry is trying to kill our freedom to share.

I'm ANGRYYYY!!!!!
When I was 12 years old my father took every pennie he had and payed for a custom guitar for me. It was the most wonderful present I ever had. It's not a professional guitar nor fancy either. Just a studio humble guitar. I learnt to play those wonderful folkloric songs my parents love and during the following years me and my guitar never separated, not even when after getting married I flew across the world to be reunited with my husband in the United States and started a new life. Because of this I know how wonderful OLGA is. What a beautiful resource and what an amazing way for musicians an amateurs like me to share our skills and learn how to play the songs we loved.
That my friends is globalization. To connect with people from the most unbelievable places in the world and share something that is understood in all languages: music.
But Now the Music Industry Wants Guitarists to Stop Sharing. Because they are not happy with the fact that they are giving for free something that could bring the industry a few more bucks.
What they seem to forget is that many of those artist that they ae trying to "protect" started in music by learning other people's songs and sharing tabs and lyrics. What is next then? To stop every teenage garage band from covering their music idols songs?
This is pure f-ing greed and I'm tired and outraged by it. Somebody need to hit the brakes here.
After all if they are intending to go on they might as well start stoping the free access to internet... oh wait... that's already happening isn't it?

The Foreigner

Yesterday I did something I've been wanting to do for quite a while.
I went ahead and created a blog in my native language oriented to people from my country where I intend to discuss politics and culture.
However, the strangest and weird thing happened. I found myself almost incapable to post. I realize I know almost nothing about my country on these days. So I went ahead and looked for bloggers from my land and then another strange thing happened.
I was unable to relate to any of their thoughts. Their were talking my language mentioning places, people, things I knew from heart better than anyone, but they felt so unrelated to me. Like if they were thing I knew but did not belong to me anymore. Even the language that always was my pride and my love, was not part of me like it used to be. The words were stuck in my brain uncapable to come out.
This is one of the saddest things ever.
When you become a visitor in your own land.

We can work it out

Ok.... I realize I have a problem. I got addicted to Youtube.
It's so easy though!
All of the sudden I can't stop watching videos of the most amazing diversity, from a guy showing how to play bass to a pre-teen that wants to be a movie director. I just enjoy to watch and wonder how did they come up with the ideas, and the time because you need some production to feel secure enough to put your stuff out there for anyone to watch and either criticize or praise.
I wish I had the creative thing on me.
I feel like I'm the most boring person I know.

Tired...

I probably didn't rest very well last night.
The day started really good and ended up really bad.
It turned out to be that the mall where we are currently working is going to be demolished. I knew that from some time now and as soon as we found out we went and looked for another place and we got a fabulous deal in a great location nearby. But still, it's so sad to see that they will demolish this place when is such a landmark and is a social point of encounter for people in this neighborhood. I love it! It's such a special place and so different from other malls.
It's a shame.
Also we found out that a family that was adopting a large group of children lost them because the father was abusive to the children in a really really scary bad way. I can't say more for reasons of confidentiality. But I just hope that the bastard doesn't get away with this. You never know when the criminal is the only son of a very rich man.
It's just depressing. I'm going home now.

The harvest...

tomatos and bell pepper

I'm ready to prepare a delicious miniature salad.

Lethal Laughter

OMG!!
I almost die a minute ago!!
I was laughing so hard that I started choking, and I could barely breath. My cats were freaking out and looked at me with faces of disapproval of course. They seem to find very discourteous of me to die on front of them.
The reason of my laughter was this entry from Acid for Blood. It turns out that Amazon is selling groceries now and some customers (oh my oh my ... I can barely control myself and keep on typing) have decided to make some reviews for some products. Please go and check out the Amazon link, it's just sooooo great. Just one thing: try to read the comments when there is somebody around that can call 911 for you. Just saying.

I Remember Paris

While the temperature keeps reaching the 3 digits I keep on staying as far from the computer as I can. The truth is that the light of the screen makes me feel already hot and sweaty.
Just moving from one side to the other of my living room makes me feel all sticky. I live in a very old house so there is not A/C but a giant and not very nice looking swamp cooler. It's a great device though, it really keeps the room nice and cool but I just hate the small sound it makes.
Not much happening lately though.
Or maybe is the fact that I can't really think of anything but my sister's arrival. I bought sheets, comforters, pillow, bath ropes and other bunch of things for her room. I don't think I've ever suffered so much to decide on colors and styles for any of the places I've lived before. I'm looking for things that are femenine but not too "girly" or childlike. I did buy a comforter pink and brown from Target with the matching set of sheets. I don't think it looks girly but who knows what my sister is going to think about it. Anyhow, I'm looking for a European and more sophisticated look. Something that says "here is sleeping a young woman that is very professional and sophisticated yet romantic and sensitive". Not easy.
I've been also thinking in our favorite TV show. We used to get together with my mom and my sisters every Friday and watch "La Femme Nikita". I even turned down invitations from boyfriends because Friday was our girls night in. We <3 that show and the whole concept was amazing. The music, clothes and the decoration were all so wonderful that I was thinking on maybe getting some detail from that show to add in my sister's room. Something that can bring to her the thought of a very modern, and romatic sort of Paris.
Ideas anyone??

I'll be seeing you

I'm so excited! My sister finally bought the tickets to come to visit me. It's a very long trip and I can not wait to see her arriving here. She is not going to be here until October but it doesn't matter. It gives me more time to prepare her room and all the stuff she might need. I'm saving money so I can take her to San Francisco, Las Vegas and Disneyland while she is here. I have so many plans!!! She is a little scared but she will get over it. I'm just worried about the entrance to the country she will be doing in DAllas, TX. The agents at customs can be a real pain in the neck and given she has only 3 hours to get from one flight to the other, she can't spend too much time just sitting there trying to explain why she is coming to the country in her bad english. Hopefully they won't be so annoying as they were with me the first time I came to visit the States. I entered the country through Atlanta. I didn't really know what to do and what paperwork to fill out and I asked a woman from Delta Airlines about it and she simplely barked at me and left me as lost as I was before talking to her. I guess it was a bad day for her. Then once I passed customs three officers stopped me and asked me all kinds of questions and while one was checking my paperwork the other were pointing to my shoes and clothes like they were very suspicious. It was the first time I was travelling anmywhere and I was all by myself. They hold me for several minutes and made me feel really uncomfortable. I'll pray my sister has better luck with that.

4th of July

Another year just siiting by myself while the rest of the people celebrates.
My husband had to go to work so I'm sitting in my living room with my kitty taking a nap right next to me.
I just grabbed a beer from the fridge and made myself a hot dog . Also I got a little bit of sherbet and I think I'll make a cup of coffe and wafers.
Very hot outside, and very georgeus too.

You have got to read and hear this!!!

Free Press : When Uninformed Senators Make Laws...

Ok, The political class in this country doesn't cease to amaze me. How can somebody put himself in a position so embarrassing like Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) did? This guy absolutely made an ass of himself. I heard his speech this morning and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. He was so passionate about making everybody understand that Net Neutrality is BAAAAAD! He even said that because of people sending videos through internet his service was delayed because somebody sent him an "internet" on Friday and he didn't receive it until Monday. Geeee!!! No wonder it took so long for him to receive it, after all it was "an internet" what was being sent!!!!
Yikes! My body is responding really bad to all this. The stresss is taking over my body... it feels like going back to my years of tech support all over again! It feels like yesterday:"Fix my internet!!". Or even more classic:" My cupholder is not working!!".
Somebody PLEASE make sure that Ted Stevens' "internet" is turned on before he grabs the phone to call his tech support!

with a little bit of sugar...

There are days in which I don't know what to do first. My brain goes in thousand different directions. I can't figure out anything and i end up just sitting down paralyzed. In moments like those I wish I could find a little bit of calm and get my thoughts in order.
Today however, I was getting really depressed and I ended up doing what I do best: looking for something to eat. And I decided to eat the wonderful cookies that my husband's grandma sent. She make these every once in a while. This woman is the sweetest lady i've met. She makes these german cookies with so much love and dedication. I hope when I get older I can be like her, and make wonderful cookies that cheer up the soul of some lonely gal somewhere far away.

Nostalgia

I've been thinking a lot about my country lately. I miss the food, the wine, the good conversation, the noise, but mostely my family.
In days like these I find myself just standing in my kitchen with a glass of table wine trying to emulate some typical recipe. I have some spices I carry with me when coming back to the States after visiting my family, and I even handled to bring some hand made clay pots.
My mom says that she can hardly believe I'm the same person I was when living under her roof. She had all these rules that I hated and some I found quite useless but now I have my own kitchen they make perfect sense. Mostly it was all about cleaning.
- Never cook before washing all the dishes.
- Always use hot water to wash the dishes and just enough soap, otherwise is a waste of both things.
- Make sure to wash all the utensils and tools as you use them. That way things don't pile up and make a big mess around the cooking area.
- Pull you hair back in a pony tail or something that assures you and everybody else it won't be appearing in the soup.
- Never cry on top of the pots and pans.
And the GOLDEN RULE: NEVER EVER cook while sitting down. Otherwise you are a lazy woman and God knows that there is no worse curse than being called that.
My mom and the rest of my family have a very strong opinion of lazy women. She would die if she sees what I've seen here sometimes: women at the store wearing pijamas. I honestly don't know if it is a trend or what, but I've surprised myself disgusted at the sight of such a sacrilege. It's like if my mom was taking over my body and soul to say "Lazy woman, that is disgusting! You must be smelling terribly, not even taking a shower today, what a shame. There is nothing I hate more than seeing women doing the houseshores in Pijamas, I have the impression they must be stinky!!". I hear my mom's voice loud and clear in my head in absolute disapproval with her always dignified look.

As I review all the rules my mom enforces in the kitchen I make sure the stove plates are as impecable as it can be and that the pots and pans get washed, dryed and stored as they are meant to be. In a few more minutes I will take them out again to cook with them, but it doesn't matter, because at the end all the rules make perfect sense to me, above all when I'm missing my mother so badly.