The end of times

It's hard to believe but it's happening.
There is a change and it's a big one.
I'm moving!!

Yes I Am!!
I can hardly believe it but the Goundhog Day Spell is about to be broken.
I'm moving to a much more vibrant city on the West with a lot more things going on.
I'm leaving the Midwest for good. It's just like a dream!

My friends are very sad and I'm also sad about leaving them behind. But the excitement of this new adventure is so much bigger than that!

However I don't think I will change the tittle for this blog. It has so much history and mysticism.

Goodbye Midwest!!!

Rainy days

This is one of those weeks that you'd wished to skip.
Everything is going upside down.
On Monday my husband lost his job. Yeah... now we are really poor because the little money he has in his checking account we have to use it to pay the credit card.
I don't earn a good salary so it's getting tough to pay the bills and get the groceries all together.
My husband is looking for a temp job while finding something that he really wants to do in the IT field. I want him to do what he really wants to do and not to waste days of his life doing a job he hates... like I do.
As you can guess, the ideal would be for him to find a job out of Ohio. Hopefully near from a real city. I just want to get out of here!!!
I'm not really sad about the fact he lost his job. I see it as an opportunity to escape from this experiment of town. This is like a trap from where I will never be able to get out.
I've been thinking of going back to my country. I'm so disappointed of USA. It's not what I imagined and people are not what I thought it would be. I haven't seen anything that can impress me and I know is not the place where I want my children to learn values. I want them to learn compassion and that money is not the ruler of your decisions in life. I want them to learn to love their family more than anything in the world.
Don’t get me wrong. There are wonderful people here but the few idiots that can ruin your day seem to stand up on top of everything.
I don’t understand why everybody keeps talking about freedom and liberty. I feel as free of speaking my mind as I was during the years of dictatorship in my own country. I have to be careful with every little word because there is always the possibility of hurting susceptibilities. They talk about values and pro-life and moral, while killing people in the death row and calling to hate homosexuals and anyone that thinks different.
Maybe I just came here in a very bad moment.

I can't believe it...

... but finally it's Friday night!
This week has been crazy and so freaking demanding. I just hate it.
I've been so busy that is pitifull. The new girl at work is very talkative and at least I have somebody to talk to. The other guy is there too and also is friendly, but I don't have very much in common with him.
I was affraid that now that I've been promoted they will be more distant with me and they might feel a little intimidated. It's too soon to judge and too busy to even pay attention, but I hope they feel comfortable with me.
I just found out something terrible. My new coworker brought his father to live in Ohio with her and her husband. He left this morning and hasn't came back yet being 8:30pm.
She is really worried. He left without the car, without leaving a note or whatsoever. If he hsan't came back by the time she returns home she will call the police.
Thanksfully this neighborhood were Karina and I live (we live very close from each other) is so quiet that becomes the kingdom of boredom. Nothing happens here. Nothing bad but nothing good either.

You've got a friend

For all those friends I miss so much right now. I'm just far away but I hope distance will never be a wall between us.

There's A Lull In My Life

I feel tired. Today was so hard to get back to work!
I just don't feel like doing the same thing again. Going to the office and do this mindless job. It's so sad when you don't care about your job anymore.
Also, I'm running out of friends. And now with this new shift that I accepted not even my usual friends have time to talk to me anymore.

I met this really cool girl from Texas that started working with me and I was really enthusiastic about the idea of having a female friend around. My husband is my best friend but sometimes you need a woman's point of view around. The last friend I had moved to Columbus and even when she is a great person, for some strange reason during the last couple months I felt that we were moving in different directions anyways. The other cool girl I met left the job because she got tired of all the crap. And then this new girl came along and we were having so much fun. But now she went back to Texas for Christmas and is not coming back. She told me so in an email yesterday.
I'm kind of happy for her because she is now with her family and God knows that I think that is the most important thing in life. But at the same time I'm starting to feel a little lonely again.

If at least I had my sisters around...

I've been trying to convince my husband to apply for a job in Reno, but he doesn't seem to be putting very much energy in the idea. I feel so asfixiated in Ohio, darn it!!!
That is why my friends left. They couldn't stand this place anymore, they felt like there were going nuts in this experiment of suburbia. I understand. I thought the first year that I would die if I didn't leave in 2 months.

I just wish I could run away right now.

Hello Kitty!

My husband with Choripan

This morning Breakfast

I feel so freaking guilty everytime I leave the Golden Nuggett. I should stop with that.

Once upon a Time

I was so sick.. I don't have energy to post today
see you all tomorrow

Who Will Save Your Soul?

Last night it took me forever to fall asleep. I had so many things in my head.
I kept rolling without being able to even close my eyes so I decided to get up and take a book.
When I went to visit my family last December I bought this book, a judge’s autobiography. I feel a lot of admiration for that woman. I like the things she says and I like her integrity. She feels so real to me. I guess one of the most important things in life is integrity. Having always just one side. That tomorrow my children will never have a reason to be ashamed of their mother. That I always acted with justice and that even when things didn’t seem easy, at least I had my conscience in peace because I did what I thought it was the right thing to do and not the most convenient or the one that would satisfy only my needs. And even if people thought I was crazy or just ridiculous, I would go after my dream and fight for the noblest goals to make this world a better place.
It’s funny how some things look and sound real sometimes, and how the things that you hold dear in you heart feel so fake sometimes.
.................
My antidepressants didn’t work last night. I was devastated. Somebody that I loved very much, one of the persons that I love more than anything in this world has been lying to me and to everyone. This person is ruining her life in the worst way possible, destroying the lives of innocents and building her happiness with the pain and sorrow of people that don’t deserve it. I feel sad and powerless. What can I do? I don’t feel I have the authority to step up front and tell this person “Hey, this is the way you have to live your life and you are doing everything wrong!” because it’s not my job to pontificate. I love this person almost more than myself and it gets really hard to understand how somebody can become so selfish. I’d rather that the people I love die of starvation that having them selling their souls to the devil for a few crumbs.
Where did you my dear lose your soul?

Thomas Concannon

In loving memory of Papaw...




I took this picture the day we met.
He was the person that made the biggest impact on me since I arrived to this country. He had lots of books and loved poetry and art.
His ancestor were Irish and he would always celebrate that. In fact you still can see both, USA and Ireland flags outside his house.
We could spend hours talking about literature, philosophy or politics.
He had a wonderful humor and loved telling jokes, bad jokes.
One of his favorite hobbies was writting quotes in small bussiness cards and in every visit he would make you read them. He never stoped teaching.
He loved music and used to say that music was the only form of comunication that could reach human souls clearly without being limited by the different languages, that even if a song was sang in an unknown idiom we could still get the message.
His favorite show was "West Wing" and he was proud that Martin Shean was from Dayton.
He loved Joan Baez voice and songs.
He knew every little bird and could tell you without mistake the name of any of them.
While he had enough air in his lungs he wouldn't let me go home without singing to me:

Come in the evening, or come in the morning;
Come when you’re look’d for, or come without warning:
Kisses and welcome you ’ll find here before you,
And the oftener you come here the more I ’ll adore you

When we met he told me: " I don't know what your intentions are here, but let me tell you one thing, I would love it if you became part of my family".
But most important of all: He always told me that he loved me and I was his favorite girl.
I will miss him so much, and I will need him yet more.

The autumn leaves

It’s finally here. I like this season because of the colors. The trees are going red, yellow and brown.
Temperature is good enough and I like the cracking noises of leaves under my feet.
The other day I went to a store to buy a few pots for my African Violets and all I could see was the stupid Halloween things all over the place.
I used to like holidays and that kind of stuff but everyday I like them less.
My husband says that these kind of holidays are boring and senseless for me because I don’t have a background or memories associated to them. He seems to be right. It’s just that I wish I would have some sort of memories that could make me fond of these things. In the beginning I was really curious about them. But all of them turned out to be flaps.
July 4th I don’t even remember how was it. Memorial day is not something I would like to celebrate. Halloween had everything but children because parents are too afraid to send them for candy door to door. Thanksgiving was something like “Ah, ok, go to kitchen and help yourself”. Christmas in winter meant to be indoors all the time, putting up with silly emotional crap about a fake tree instead of a real one, a newly widower going hysterical if somebody left a plate in an angle different from what it was originally; etc. New Years Eve was as boring as watching American football while playing trivia… and that was exactly what we did.
It’s sort of funny got shopping in this season. Everywhere they sell seasonal decorations. If I’d live with a mom that changes decoration for each season and puts coordinated stuff in my bathroom, table, kitchen, bedroom etc, I would be scared to death. Do you imagine Halloween theme in you curtain shower, towels, soap dish, silverware and dinnerware and even in your bed comforter?
THAT would be a scary Halloween.
One thing I love with all my heart about this season: Pumpkin Pie. And if it’s from Mamaw, my husband’s grandmother, it becomes beyond this world.

I could have danced all night, and even ask for more... Well, Maybe not.

Today I had the most bizarre idea… or dream… or vision… I don’t know. I imagined myself bringing my guitar to work and playing a song in Spanish. Maybe the song I’m listening to right now. Something with rhythm, that makes people dance. But of course there is something completely wrong about my illusion and it’s that nobody here would dance. Music doesn’t flow in their veins like it does in mine. I hear music and I have a hard time stopping myself of dancing. When I was at home my sister put some salsa and asked me to dance with her. I almost cried when I noticed that I got tired after 2 minutes of dancing. I almost didn’t make it for the whole song. Me!!! I was the one that would go to dance and from midnight until 5:00 am I wouldn’t stop more than once to have something to drink and then come back to dance. I would come back home at 6:00 and get up again at 7:00 to go to work. And that was just 2 years ago! What happened to me? Simple, I got fat and lazy. I don’t want to be like that. I had such a hard time taking the stairs for the subway and keeping up with the rest when walking.
So on Monday I started to stop this madness and made a bunch of abs. Yesterday I went swimming and today I plan to do the same. I need to go back to what once I was. A healthy and beautiful woman and the next time I visit my country I will dance all night long like I used to.
I promise!!!

Como Vai Voce

That is the title of a beautiful song. It’s in Portuguese but I still can understand most of what it says. The title means, “How are you?” and of course it’s a love song. The version I’m listening to it’s mostly acoustic guitar and some violins on the background. I can also hear some electronic sounds but I can barely notice them.
I love music from other countries. I love music in French, Portuguese, Italian and any other language. That is the way I learnt my English that although it’s not perfect, it’s not bad either.
One of the things that surprised me most of USA is the little that they know of world music. I mean, I grew up listening Rita Pavone, Edith Piaf, Salvatore Adamo, Nicola Di Bari, Charles Aznavour, etc. but here, in a place with 100 times more people than in my country, nobody seems to know who is any of those singers. It’s kind of sad because it’s hard to know what is going on in the rest of the world regarding to music if nobody is interested in anything but songs in English.
In my last visit to my native country my sisters made me catch up with a lot of international music that was really interesting. I bought a few CDs and one that I specially liked was from a French band called Holden. Down there you can hear all kind of diverse music on the radio. It’s not so limited like the radio stations in USA. Here you have a radio station for country music, other for pop, another for jazz and so on. Down there it doesn’t matter what radio station you are listening to. The only difference between selections might be that some radio stations only play vintage music in Spanish and others play music from any part of the planet without caring about the language as long as it is pop music.
I still find hard to believe that in a country so full of immigrants like this there is so little noise from other cultures.
Maybe it’s just this Midwest bubble that I’m lost in.

Insomnia

Several days without a good sleep finally took its toll. Yesterday I wasn’t able to come to work. I was a wreck. Between the insomnia, sinus and depression there was nothing left from me. I don’t even remember very well what I said to my husband when he tried to wake me up. I think it was as simple as “I can’t”. He called my office and I just woke up about 1:30 PM with a horrible sensation of not being able to breathe.
I spent most of the afternoon watching daytime TV and brushing my cat’s hair. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I’m lucky that the husband I have is so understanding and good to me. He doesn’t demand anything from me.
I was giving some thought to those nightmares that keep me awake. Some of them are related to my family and most of them have to do with memories from my childhood. I guess I am very insecure about everything, and I guess that I am very scared about my future and about what am I going to do with my life. All I know is that I have to do something new soon and something rewarding. Something that could make me happy. Answering phones is not my idea of future. I don’t care very much about my job and that makes much harder coming back to USA.
In my country I don’t have all the commodities that I have here but I still feel more at ease. The only reason I’m not coming back is because down there they still have a lot of prejudices that I can’t bear and I don’t feel like asking for an opportunity. I will consolidate myself and then… maybe I’ll come back.

It's so nice to have you back where you... belong?

Back at home.
Every time is harder to come back. And this damned silence it’s driving me crazy!
I love my apartment and I love my husband and my cat, but I hate this town. I feel so desperately lonely that I feel like I need to scream with all the air that can fill my lungs.
Yesterday I did. Then I was scared that my neighbors could get worried about me, but nobody knocked at the door. Nobody cares here. Only my husband is there. Even for him is hard to ask and try to know more about human beings and their souls.
I turned on the TVs. I have 3. One is in my bedroom; other is in the living room and a very small b/w in my kitchen. That noise gives me the illusion of company, of people around. Even if I mute I still can hear that buzzing of the TV turned on.
I miss my sisters like if I had some part of my body missing. I just want to know that they are present in the same room. Even if they are somewhere else I feel so at peace knowing that they will come back home at night. It’s like the buzzing of a muted TV. You can’t hear the noises but you know it’s on, and that comforts you.
The truth is that nobody will come back to our apartment tonight with a new stupid, sad, happy, nonsense, important, mean, nice, or funny story to tell while having tea. I won’t hear the tick-tick-tack of my mom while she knits some sweater and I won’t laugh looking at my dad falling asleep in front of the TV. My youngest sister won’t scare a hell out of me with some nonsense fear of failing some test at the university, and I won’t see my other sister’s face to try to see through that mysterious sadness that keeps her so far away from everybody.Should I come back home? The answer is no. I can’t go back looking for another opportunity. That’s not an option and I can undo the path I’ve walked already. I can’t go back, I have to look forward and someday, when I don’t need to ask for another chance, I will take my husband, my cat, my guitar and my books and will look for a small house in MY land. Because I might have changed the address and I might be sleeping under a different sky, but my soul is still wondering and there nothing that can erase the birthmark of The Andes from it.

Freak Show

I hate to be social. I guess it´s just when it´s about being social with people that I like but I´m not really interested in.
Today was the obligatory BBQ for welcome and goodbye from my family ...and my family´s family.
I admit that I was crazy about meeting my aunts and eating some good food, but they came with one of my aunt´s husband and if it is true that he is a good guy, it´s also true that he is boring as hell.

We were all sitting on the table enjoying the tea, and he was talking. I must have been distracted and all of the sudden it was just he and me. He started to tell me that old and boring story of how he became supervisor on his job, how he straightened up a group of lazy and irresponsable people, how the other guys dislike him becuse he is so responsible and honest, how he has been saving so much money to his managers and how well he did in seminar that he attended directed to supervisors of his company. It´s always the same. The rest is bad and lazy and he is the good hero. Everybody left me there with him and nobody came to save me. I didn´t know how to escape. I found the way to go to the kitchen but when I came back he was waiting for me to continue.
I feel bad because I understand that he is a very simple guy and very good too, and that maybe because of the same reason he doesn´t have more things to talk about. But I was so tired of all that.
I really appreciatte this guy, he has always been good to me and my family and I respect him, but I guess that the next time I will avoid this quality time that he gives me.

I got to talk with my aunts, which is great. We were enjoying some old pictures and, of course making jokes about every little thing in this less than serious world. They have a very peculiar and great sense of humor. I can´t imagine a moment with my aunts without laughing. And my aunt Olga, she is the greatest. She is funny and you can hear her laughs from out on the street. She makes fun of everyone, including herself. I still feel like a little child next to her and I still hug her like I was 5 years old. She is the kind of woman that every little child would dream as a fairy godmother. She is not pretty like one, but I´ve never met a child that doesn´t think that she is the funniest friend anyone can have.

I´m a little tired tonight. I miss my husband, however for everyday that passes so far away from him and so inmerse in my old life of daughter, niece, granddaughter, goddaughter and single woman, i feel yonger and younger. It´s so weird! It took me so much work to start feeling like a grown up woman and now everything is vanishing again. I feel happiness playing with the dogs and cats, brushing my sisters´hair, singing all over the place and going to my old church that for moments I find hard to believe that I have a completely different life at the other side of the world. I feel every second more like a child.
This morning I went to the church with my sisters and when I went to receive the communion I realized that the one that would give it to me was the director of my old school! And there she was, a little older but the same woman with italian accent. She said to me "The Body of Christ..." I said "Amen" and when I opened my mouth I was so impressed and happy that it was almost unbeareable. I wanted to hug her and tell her "Do you remember me sister Maria Luisa? I was one of those little deamons that you used to chase away from your convent!!". I didn´t say anything. I just felt like many years of memories of my childhood in that place came back to me, and I just looked directly in her eyes trying to find those memories there too. Maybe I wasn´t so wrong after all. She smiled at me and while placing the "Body of Christ" on my tongue she smiled back at me and... winked!.

My eyes hurt

I spend 80% of last night crying like a baby.
I went to visit my husband's grandfather. He is dying.
I refused to believe it until last Sunday. I saw it just bones and without being able to say more than a few monosyllables.
I got closer to his ear and I whispered "I love you". Then he opened his eyes with a lot of effort and whispered "I love you too". Just like 20 years ago did my own grandfather.

February 1985.
I was a child and I went to bed before everyone. They were talking in the kitchen. I was falling asleep and I heard him coughing. I got up and he was looking bad, and it was really thirsty so I picked a jar of plum juice that somebody left next to his bed and with a teaspoon I started giving him little sips until he seemed to feel a little better. He was just bones too, and in those days the anesthesia wasn't as good as these days and living with cancer in a rural area was close to hell. He didn't have flesh anymore and was so weak that passed more of his day in silence. His thorax was an empty space and you could almost see his spine from his front. And there I was, scared of not knowing if what I was doing was good, and happy of being able to be with him. As a child they tried to keep me out of his room as much as possible. He look at me, and with a strength that I don't know where it came from, he sat on his bed and huged me saying: "Mi nietecita!" which means "My little granddaughter". I was so happy that I didn't care of his dry skin smelling like the hospital, and I was so touch that I didn't want to leave him. I gave him some more juice and then my grandmother entered the room and sent me back to bed. She didn't know that he spent the little strength remaining in a hug for me. Next morning he had to got back to the hospital where a few weeks later he would die.

August 2004
Last night I was nervous. I didn't know what to tell Papaw. I didn't know if he would hear me or if he would understand me. I was talking to Mamaw, she also looks very tired. Then somebody called and I walked to Papaw's bed. He was watching TV and his arm, now showing every bone, was under his head. He looked a little better than last Sunday. I told him I wouldn't be able to be with him during the next two weeks so I didn't wanted him to do anything crazy during that period of time. He smiled and said a few words with extreme difficulty. He didn't want me stay far too long. And then Mamaw came and told me to leave. She wouldn't let me play with his hands like I used to do nor talk to him anymore. She said that he would get too excited and winded up and then would be terrible for his brain. He would have a terrible night with so much excitation. He didn't want me to leave and I didn't want to say goodbye, because I'm afraid that last night was the last time we could hold each other hands.

End of the summer

Exactly a month ago was my last blog posting.
This month has been as horrible as every freaking August.
Lots of stress and strange climate.
I miss my family and I know they could use some companion from me. On the other hand my husband also needs me.
I'm lucky he is so understanding with all my things.
He is a good man. The best man I've ever met.
Unfortunately, people abuse of good people because they apparent to be weak.
As long as he is with me I won't let that happen. He has me now.

I'm not completely Insane...

... but maybe just a little bit crazy..."
Alana Davis - Crazy

I'm in a Alana-Davis-sort-of mood. I guess it's because finally I sat down and actually payed attention to each one of the words of the lyrics.
I'm working today and that sucks, but I don't have a choice since I got the past Monday for free.
An Tuesday too, althought that was because I woke up paralyzed.
This was a very bizarre week. Absolutely bizarre.
Everything started last Saturday. I called my family and I was talking to my mom when she mentioned the murder of a catholic priest. I almost fell into pieces when she told me that was my confessor, a very old priest that was doing the masss in the cathedral of Santiago. A guy came with a knife and slaight his throat to end up stabbing him to death.
I couldn't understand this. That was one of the most understanding and wise men I've had the oportunity to talk to. He comforted me so many times. He used to say to me "you are so young, you have your whole life ahead, I'm so old, I am almost ready to leave so I can't change very much, but you, you never despair".
Then my mom apologized, she thought that I had already read the news, and of course, I didn't that day. I didn't know what to think. I kept asking myself why. Why this man? Who did he ever hurt? Why did this happen?
For my own surprise I wasn't really mad, I was really sad and I couldn't stop some tears from coming up. However a sweet feeling of compassion and forgiveness replaced every bad feeling. I guess that is the best thing that people like this priest can leave to the rest of the world. Thinking of all the good things this priest shared and trying to think of the way that he would think I was capable for first time in my life to easily forgive. I went to my room and lighted up some candles for him and then I prayed.
Monday. Another bizarre new showed up. The priest that celebrated my wedding was taken to jail. He is a very good man, and he didn't deserve to be treated like that. He has been giving support to a girl from an Institution that he runs, and this girl is accusing a prominent politician of participanting in the parties of the worst pedophilian in the chilean history, and being abussed by him. The girl and the priest were taken to jail acussed of false testimony, the first , and induction to false testimony, the second. I know this priest enough to know that he didn't do such a thing. Thankfully this order was revoked byt the court, 3 votes to 0, and now both are free again.
Tuesday. During the first hours of the morning I woke up with a strange pain on my neck. I sat up and rubbed it. I thought that probably it was because of a bad position to sleep, so I chenged it and went back to sleep. When the alarm clok went off I tried to get up and I couldn't. The pain on my neck was so intense that wouldn't allow me to move a muscle without making me regret it later. I needed to get up to go to work so I handled the way to get off the bed and walk a few steps when suddenly a horrible pain made me almost fall on the floor. I couldn't help to scream like mad and the tears burst. I couldn't move and I was only able to put my hand on my neck and cry for help. My husband run to me and figured out the way to put me back into bed. That was unbelievably painfull. And I couldn't stop screaming until I was completely inmovilized facing the ceiling. Then my husband called our jobs to tell them that we would be late. We still thought that it would pass in a few hours. He put a heating pad on my neck, an antiflamatory in my mouth and with a straw he was able to put some water down my throat.
The next day I was able to move so I went to work, but up to date I still feel some annoyance in my neck.
Other strange things have happened since then but I can't quit remember right now and I'm running out of energy to tell them anyways

Zombie

Tonight I will sleep after 3 or 4 weeks of restless survival. My kitty is being spayed right now. My nice neighbor Jacqueline,  had the nice gesture of taking the kitty to the vet this morning. She feels guilty because she was the one that brought it to the neighborhood after finding her crying outside the Rex Center in Kettering.
I love my kitty, but she was driving me nuts. I was unable to sleep because she thinks that midnight is the best hour to play, and playing in my bedroom is not an option, she demands to play in the living room with her catnip-frog-toy. And there, me or my husband goes with the stupid rat or frog-toy to play with her until she decides that we are allowed to go back to our bed.
This weekend she started on heat again. Yeah, living hell. We closed our bedroom door and I wear earplugs and apply a dosage of sleeping pills because what comes later is apocalyptic. She stop meowing and starts crying like a baby in despair, and then start scratching the door, when she understand that it won't work she will start bumping against it. A couple days ago my husband showed me a hole on my carpet.  Yeap, that bad.
I can hardly believe that tonight I will be able to sleep. I'm happy... and guilty at the same time.
My poor kitty is sacrificing her orgasms so I can sleep and stop wearing earplugs. She must be so sad and confused. She probably is feeling lost and forsaken.
My husband just called. Said that Jackie told him that she called the hospital and everything is ok and the kitty is fine. She will sleep over. Tomorrow Jackie will go to take her home and then we will see.
Quoting Nellie McKay : "... miss her little kitty touch, does she miss me, does she care, Oh I miss her kitty stare."