I'm not completely Insane...

... but maybe just a little bit crazy..."
Alana Davis - Crazy

I'm in a Alana-Davis-sort-of mood. I guess it's because finally I sat down and actually payed attention to each one of the words of the lyrics.
I'm working today and that sucks, but I don't have a choice since I got the past Monday for free.
An Tuesday too, althought that was because I woke up paralyzed.
This was a very bizarre week. Absolutely bizarre.
Everything started last Saturday. I called my family and I was talking to my mom when she mentioned the murder of a catholic priest. I almost fell into pieces when she told me that was my confessor, a very old priest that was doing the masss in the cathedral of Santiago. A guy came with a knife and slaight his throat to end up stabbing him to death.
I couldn't understand this. That was one of the most understanding and wise men I've had the oportunity to talk to. He comforted me so many times. He used to say to me "you are so young, you have your whole life ahead, I'm so old, I am almost ready to leave so I can't change very much, but you, you never despair".
Then my mom apologized, she thought that I had already read the news, and of course, I didn't that day. I didn't know what to think. I kept asking myself why. Why this man? Who did he ever hurt? Why did this happen?
For my own surprise I wasn't really mad, I was really sad and I couldn't stop some tears from coming up. However a sweet feeling of compassion and forgiveness replaced every bad feeling. I guess that is the best thing that people like this priest can leave to the rest of the world. Thinking of all the good things this priest shared and trying to think of the way that he would think I was capable for first time in my life to easily forgive. I went to my room and lighted up some candles for him and then I prayed.
Monday. Another bizarre new showed up. The priest that celebrated my wedding was taken to jail. He is a very good man, and he didn't deserve to be treated like that. He has been giving support to a girl from an Institution that he runs, and this girl is accusing a prominent politician of participanting in the parties of the worst pedophilian in the chilean history, and being abussed by him. The girl and the priest were taken to jail acussed of false testimony, the first , and induction to false testimony, the second. I know this priest enough to know that he didn't do such a thing. Thankfully this order was revoked byt the court, 3 votes to 0, and now both are free again.
Tuesday. During the first hours of the morning I woke up with a strange pain on my neck. I sat up and rubbed it. I thought that probably it was because of a bad position to sleep, so I chenged it and went back to sleep. When the alarm clok went off I tried to get up and I couldn't. The pain on my neck was so intense that wouldn't allow me to move a muscle without making me regret it later. I needed to get up to go to work so I handled the way to get off the bed and walk a few steps when suddenly a horrible pain made me almost fall on the floor. I couldn't help to scream like mad and the tears burst. I couldn't move and I was only able to put my hand on my neck and cry for help. My husband run to me and figured out the way to put me back into bed. That was unbelievably painfull. And I couldn't stop screaming until I was completely inmovilized facing the ceiling. Then my husband called our jobs to tell them that we would be late. We still thought that it would pass in a few hours. He put a heating pad on my neck, an antiflamatory in my mouth and with a straw he was able to put some water down my throat.
The next day I was able to move so I went to work, but up to date I still feel some annoyance in my neck.
Other strange things have happened since then but I can't quit remember right now and I'm running out of energy to tell them anyways

Zombie

Tonight I will sleep after 3 or 4 weeks of restless survival. My kitty is being spayed right now. My nice neighbor Jacqueline,  had the nice gesture of taking the kitty to the vet this morning. She feels guilty because she was the one that brought it to the neighborhood after finding her crying outside the Rex Center in Kettering.
I love my kitty, but she was driving me nuts. I was unable to sleep because she thinks that midnight is the best hour to play, and playing in my bedroom is not an option, she demands to play in the living room with her catnip-frog-toy. And there, me or my husband goes with the stupid rat or frog-toy to play with her until she decides that we are allowed to go back to our bed.
This weekend she started on heat again. Yeah, living hell. We closed our bedroom door and I wear earplugs and apply a dosage of sleeping pills because what comes later is apocalyptic. She stop meowing and starts crying like a baby in despair, and then start scratching the door, when she understand that it won't work she will start bumping against it. A couple days ago my husband showed me a hole on my carpet.  Yeap, that bad.
I can hardly believe that tonight I will be able to sleep. I'm happy... and guilty at the same time.
My poor kitty is sacrificing her orgasms so I can sleep and stop wearing earplugs. She must be so sad and confused. She probably is feeling lost and forsaken.
My husband just called. Said that Jackie told him that she called the hospital and everything is ok and the kitty is fine. She will sleep over. Tomorrow Jackie will go to take her home and then we will see.
Quoting Nellie McKay : "... miss her little kitty touch, does she miss me, does she care, Oh I miss her kitty stare."

It's raining blogs!!!

My youngest sister sent me an email inviting me to check into this blog. It's funny because now it feels kind of strange to read in spanish again. Actually I have developed a sort  of aversion towards spanish and is not because I don't like spanish, I love my native language and I am the kind of person that thinks that Spanish language is a miracle of civilization, so rich and wonderful that it can't be compared to any other language.  The problem is that everytime I read something in spanish is so full of mexican or caribean slang that I don't feel familiar with it. So in some way I don't feel a part of this.
 
I just bought a book called "The other history of the United States" from Zinn. Very interesting. I bought it because I was looking a book to learn more about the history of this country. I believe it's my duty to learn about the land where I am living in.  Also I need to learn about the constitution of this country so I can better understand it. I read a little bit of it some days ago and It's very interesting to understand and see how some people interpret the amendments.
 
And also I have to admitt that I would love to embarrase some people by knowing about their history better than themselves, the same way that I love embarrase some of my own people of my country by having my husband knowing how to dance the national dance better than them.
Am I too evil??

Reassuring Memories

This morning I called my sister. All of the sudden I needed to talk to her and ask her about things of our childhood. For reasons that I will never ever publish and only people really close to me knows I tend to question my own memories from time to time. So I ask my sister if she remembered an opportunity when we were invited to this "birthday party" where the girls that lived a street after ours took us. It was kind of strange for me because I didn't know whose birthday was this and also because we had to pay a little bit of money (maybe like $5 Chilean pesos, in those days) to be admitted in. It was fun though.
My mom was concerned about letting us go because things were kind of shaken up a little. She heard about some shootings around the military complex near home. To get to this party we had to cross through the military complex unless we wanted to walk three times the same distance. But one of the girls that would take us there (she and her sisters were much older than me and my sister and therefore they were usually babysitting us) convinced my mom that the shootings of that morning were gone and that now everything was completely safe.
I have to make a stop here because I'm afraid that people won't understand the context if I don't explain it a little further.
In those years I was probably 7 or 8 years old and my sister 4 or 5. I don't quite remember our age at that time. We were living about a decade of military dictatorship in my country and at that moment there was no surprise on hearing shootings, having blackouts every night, being in the middle of a protest or simplely got beaten up by police just because. That was an everyday life at least at my side of the city.
The most common words in the news were "molotov", "marxism", "extremists", "terrorist" and any other that the government could use to accuse those that were opposed to Pinochet's dictatorship.
My parents have been always quiet people and were never involved in protest or political debate simplely because it was their duty to protect us and nobody wanted to be accused of being a communist or something like that. You didn't need the police to come to your house, beat you up until almost kill you and then ask the questions.
Those experiences were kind of common those days and sometimes you would know about people that went to answer the door and never came back.
In this day to day life we weren't afraid about going through a military complex because we were faced with terror so often that it wasn't so scary anymore, it was just life. Besides, there was many people that didn't even imagined that this could have an end someday so we might as well just deal with it.
My sister, the girls of the other street and other children my age walked silently throughout the military complex. Nobody wanted to get caught by a lose bullet or something like that. At the end of the military complex the exit was a small and very rusty turnstile that from my point of view was really an amusing device. I liked it so much that when the party got to an end and we headed back home in the middle of the night I run ahead of the group with somebody else that I can't remember who was, maybe other child or one of the big girls. I passed the turnstile again, excited by the magic sensation of his rusty sound and the fascinating idea of getting stock in there without ever being able to escape from its spinning. However the rust made it very hard to turn so we just passed and kept running ahead of the group. Just a few meters ahead there were two men. One was with his hands up and the other had a gun pointing at him. The first man just said almost crying "Help me please!" and by that time the rest of the group caught up with us and I just heard the voices yelling at me, and whoever the other person next to me was, to run back and get out of there. I was terrified and, the seconds before hard to move turnstile, was spinning like new. Some of the group just jump over it and some of us didn't care and just passed under it. And we run like mad. Scared we run blocks in middle of the night sure that the guy with the gun would come after us. Out of breath we stoped when we felt sure that nobody followed us. I was just a child and with no right to ask nothing. The big girls decided that we couldn't come back that way and we should just take the long road back home. It was a long walk and I was really tired.
I arrived home and I don't remember if I told something to my mom about it. And differently from what anyone could think I didn't get traumatized by that experience although I've always felt sorry for that man. Not guilty, because I was just a child and also because even if I wanted, nothing could have been done to help him. Police in those years didn't care about us, the people. Their job was to keep the population on line and scared enough to not attempt anything against the authority. Besides that, we would see them as merciless tyrants and torturers. I know that I might be unfair to them, but that was the general feeling in those days. Justice? That was just a dream that even today seems very far away from those that can't pay for it.
********************************************
I called my sister this morning and asked her if whether she remembered that strange birthday party where we had to pay to get there.
-The one where we cross the military complex? - she asked
- Yes, that one. What do you remember from that?
- not much, we cross the military complex and late that night we tried to do the same thing but we had to get out of there running.
- So you remembered that too - Now I was sure it wasn't just my imagination or a dream. - And do you remember why we have to run away?
- Not really.
- Did you get to see those two men meters after the entrance?
- No, I just remember we had to run to get out of there very fast and then we walked back home. We walked a lot.
-Thanks, I just wanted to make sure I didn't dream all that. If you remember more things, just write ok?
- OK.

Yeahh!!! I'm so happy... at least temporarily

Today I was depressed. I don't really need a reason to be depressed anymore, it's just a state that has a mind on its own.
Anyways, there are just simple and little things that cause me to go a little more annoyed at life and hating the world and writting my "Evil Black list of Doom" where anybody that makes things that make me sad will fall in. Like that guy that thinks is funny and keep making stupid jokes and using that loud and maniac FAKE laugh to be noticeable. That doesn't make me mad or sad, is the fact that there is actually idiots that laugh at those things and give him tribune to keep doing it what really bothers me. I guess there is a freak like that in every office in the world. Well, at least i'm improving and trying to be a little more tolerant everyday. I used to be bothered for breathing the same air he was breathing.

Anyways. This morning I was depressed so I sat down and started reading the news, like that would be able to cher me up. After a while I got bored and I decided was time to waste a few minutes going to heat up a bowl of cereal and have some coffee. We have this lunch room which I rarely use and I go there to put the ceral in the microwave. I hit the timer and when I turn back I realize that there is this door that I never saw before and one of the guys from the Network Operations is in there. I greet him and we start talkin about subnet and stuff. He showed me the switches and wiring closet and long story short he invited me to help them to move some stuff from one floor to another by the end of summer. I don't care if I have to call in sick in order to do it but I will. I'm so happy and excited that I completely forgot about all the bad things in my schedule of thinking.
I can't help to be happy for that. That means so much to me! Finally doing something that I like to do. Cool!!!
Geeks rule!!!

Kings Island

Finally, yesterday my husband received the tickets to go to Kings Island this weekend. His company is doing a picnic for the employees.
Well deserved considering that they are cheaper labor that would it be having their jobs sent to Mexico, India or any of those countries where companies are outsourcing nowadays.
My husband's birthday is this week. I already have a present, although it's not very much so. I bought a t-shirt that reads "Social engineer: because there is no patch for human stupidity". I wanted one too, but in my workplace I don't think that something like that would have got very much of a praise. After all "is not nice". So I decided for one that reads "There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those that don't". I was also thinking in that one that says "There is no place like 127.0.0.1" but it was too much money already.
Anyways, my theory is that a gift is not so if you buy one for you too. It's not special anymore. It as to be unique. So now I have to think in something from here to Friday. I don't have to many ideas to be honest. My creativity is everyday shrinking more and more. I think is the lack of stimulation from the environment. Now I'm starting to understand why there is people that believes in drugs. Their brains kind of dries for lack of intellectual activity.

Just another maniac monday

Starting the week again. It's a pretty day and I'm happy to say that I took all the tests for the CCNA. Now I just need to concentrate in the finals of this week. Last night I feel so without a purpose. I was between relaxed because I took all the tests and anxious because I felt like there were many more things to do pending and waiting for me to catch up with.
Last night I went to sleep very tired. Like after thousand of hours of exercise. Long time without feeling like that. I must admit that I had the help of a couple pills.

I came to work and everything is so calm that scares me. I know I have a bunch stuff to do is just that I can't figure out where to start at.
I better go back to work.

::: n e l l i e m c k a y . n e t :::

::: n e l l i e m c k a y . n e t ::: music :: lyrics

I've been listening to Nellie McKay lately. It puts me in a good mood.

Today I worked just half the day. I have a bunch of stuff to study and I just did a online quiz that got me like 80%correct answers, but that's ok. I'm thinking if I should take the online test for the TCP module or not. Probably I will just sit to study more about the ACL. I don't know why this class all of the sudden seems so hard to me.
I've been so tempted to say "Forget about it and take a nap but i'm proud to say that I've decided just to ignore myself. In fact, I think I'll leave this blog for now and be back with my Access Control Lists

What a crazy day.

32 flavours and then some...

I'd never try to give my life meaning by demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record...
I did everything that I could do

Alana Davis - 32 Flavors and then some

This weekend I spent it just studying. I'm tired instead of rested like everybody else probably is doing.
Even with that I didn't get to catch up with all the stuff I wanted to. I still have 2 more online tests to give and 4 quizes to complete, plus 1 and a 1/2 chapters from my book of CISCO to read. It sounds terrible. I'm going to sacrifice the lunch with my husband today to be able to finish the stuff I have to give to my instructor today.
On Sunday I got together with a classmate and if I thought that I was discouraged this girl was doing 3 times worse than me in that department. All of the sudden these classes got so complicated for us and even if I pay attention to my instructor I have a heck of a time understanding. It's like trying to understand chinese.
The next week are the finals and we will have a hands on test that is really freaking me out.

In other news, today will be a very hard day. I have to take care of the stuff that is pending from a coworker that was let go last week.
Preparing for that I got up extra early and went for a good dosage of Coffee and breakfast to the Golden Nuggett. It was good and now I'm almost ready to start with this torture of doing something that I have no idea how to take care of.

My husband is going to call a doctor and get an appointment soon to try to figure out all my health issues that have been put aside for quite some time and that can't wait any longer.

Well, my week has started and I just have a couple minutes to login ton the phones. Yeah! (<--that was a sarcasm, of course).

In the middle of a storm

I love storms, and I can't stop feeling amazed for the wonderful show of lightning and thunder. It's like a miracle. I enjoy it.
Tonight is very scary. The sky is roaring and full of light.
There is a tornado warning and I don't care. I can't imagine something most beautiful than this heaven's fury.

I'm so tired

I don't feel like I can go on. Today my boss asked me to take over a new client program and I said yes, but once we started the meeting with the people that has been doing this for so long I got completely lost. I don't know what they were talking about or what do I have to do.
I honestly feel like running away from here.
I've been talking to my husband about this. I want to get out of this town, the sooner the better.

All things considered...

Welll, not all but some.
If I wouldn't had gained so much weight it would be easier for me to pursue a career as a singer. Maybe a jazz singer. I have so much talent!!
Maybe some day Luck will look at me as it looked at Nellie McKay and decide that I also deserve to go on tour for Europe with Sting or Alanis Morrisette.
I'm not envious. I'm not even jealous. I'm just here, knowing that I don't know where should I be.

Puzzled

I've been thinking a lot lately. Maybe I should stop working as a customer service representative. Besides, it takes way too many words to describe my job. I wish I could say just something short like "nurse" or "clerk" or "teacher".
It doesn't make too much sense to stay working on something that really doesn't give me any excitement at all. I don't feel any interest in my job and maybe there is out there somebody that really cares and needs a job like this. It makes me feel so ungratefull. I wonder what is out there for me, I mean, besides from the bills to pay. I don't know if there is actually something that I could be really good at it and it wouldn't cause me to get bored after some time.
Oh! It's just that I'm such a coward! There is always something that stops me. If I had the courage, I would take my suitcases and would fly to NY and start my life in a big city like that. Without having to drive ever.
My husband says that I have to be patient and finish my CISCO certification. The problem now, is that I'm not sure that even that is what I really want.
:(
I wish that taking decisions in life wasn't always so complicated.

Testosterone: blessing or curse??

I went to the Golden Nugget this morning surprisingly early. I don't use to get up early on weekends. Last night I had some drinks and when I came back home I just fell asleep until this morning. Of course I slept enough to get up early today and get breakfast at my favorite place without waiting an hour for a table.
And there we were. Having our omelets and bagels and that wonderful coffee. We started talking about movies and Matrix came up. We started discussing what went wrong with those sequels. My theory is that they simplely were not necessary. When you make a movie you think: "well, I have this wonderful story and we need to do a wonderful job with it which I already have in mind how to do". When you do a second part you think: "ok, we had this unbelievable blockbuster movie and we could get more money from it, just imagine that!". So the first time people is moved for the muses of art and the second (and sometimes also third or more) they are moved by ambition and this last one is not a good adviser all the time.
Then I started saying all the stuff that I hate from Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions. The point was always the excess of testosterone. Those extremely eternal car chasing in the highway (which we have seen in so many thousand of other movies). The thousand of machines all over the place, that actually it looked to me as a way to show off the money available to make a movie this time. I can almost imagine the directors of the movies: "Hey! Look at us now, and compare the first Matrix with this baby!! Who is George Lukas in comparison to us now!!" (You can add some nerd type of laugh after that thought and you will have the whole picture).
Why men have to do that type of things? Then it hit me. I heard a few weeks ago this show in the radio about Testosterone. The show is called "This American Life" and is transmitted on NPR every weekend.
You people should hear this kind of shows instead wasting time watching TV all the time.
The thing is that I had this theory. I must admit that I need some more research on it and more study to make my affirmations. Anyways, maybe, we should measure men's testosterone in some sort of routine examination like those that women have to go through every year. If a man has a testosterone level that could be harmful for the society and/or the world(this being evaluated among other factors that play a role in the social behavior) then he should have some of that testosterone removed. Not a big deal, just a little. Enough to allow us to get rid of things like Britney Spears, SUVs, car chasing, Nascar, bar fights, NRA and all that stuff that doesn't do anything but screw up this world. It would be like an Domino effect. We would have people that would spend more time enjoying life just like it is and trying to develop more social skills. We would end wars and would improve the environment by reducing the gas-emissions with smaller cars, since men wouldn't feel like the have to brag about how they have the biggest truck on the neighborhood.
This would be such a most wonderful place to live with a little less testosterone.
Do you want prove? Look at the state of our planet after thousand of years under male control. We need less testosterone around, seriously.

More interesting studies on the matter:

New Scientist - Too much testosterone blights social skills

Just one more minute...

... and I will be free to go and enjoy this weekend that before starting it gets already too short.

It looks like some people is up to go out tonight after all. Although I don't know where yet.

I just want to have a fun time somewhere. I guess I'll go to have breakfast to the Golden Nugget tomorrow. I just love that place. It doesn't have the fancy stuff that most restaurant in this area have, but I feeel comfortable and people treats me good.

Besides, they have the best coffee ever.
The bell has rang. Time to go home... or somewhere else.

Slow day

Today half of my office is out. They went to some place else to check on some procedure stuff.
Of course we, as good slaves of the phones, have to stay in our places taking care of customers. Nothing really bad about that though. If feels kind of good the freedom of having the place just for ourselves.
I've been lazy today. I don't want to do anything, just have fun. Maybe is because is friday and I should be celebrating "Saint Friday".
However nobody has planes to go out tonight. I think I should go to the movies maybe or finally kill my points card from Dave and Buster's.
How lazy I feel.
I want to go visit my husband's grandparents. I wonder how are they doing. Papaw is sick and Mamaw dedicates every second of the day to be with him and take care of him. I love them both so dearly that I've considered always unfair to have meet them just now. Anyhow. I think this weekend I will visit them.

at class

It's 20:05 and almost everybody is leaving.
The guy that usually sits next to me today brought his girlfriend with him. I wonder if she is a geek like him.
Everybody is leaving.
Maybe i should do the same.
I'm feeling the pressure from the environment to let my instructor go home too
:PP
He has been very nice to me today.
I got 80% in the last test and I went to ask him to explain me my falls. He did it and now I see life in a different way. Where administrative distance between routers actually makes sense. Finally.

Chascoberta

Sing my song!!!

I need a haircut. Seriously.
I'm starting to look like a monkey again and I feel like a freak.
But I hate the Beauty saloons. It's like going shopping. So distressing!!
Besides, in 2 years living here I haven't learnt how to explain what I want to be done in my head. I feel so comfortable as with a visit to the doctor. You know that after explaining what is going on they won't tell you what they are really thinking until the end. It's like a suspense movie.
Also, you are supposed to talk to your hair stylist. That's they way they are known as the center of gossip in this world! But I honestly have never found somebody interested in what I can say.
We are from separated worlds and even when we really want to know each other better there is no way to connect. Polite smiles and thanks and that's it.
No more, no less.

Something Good to Tell

I was going to use the word "nice" but just "good" is better.
I received an e-mail from my instructor of CISCO. He told me not to worry about the class I missed on Tuesday and expect to see me today. It makes me feel good that he noticed my absence. It's not that I feel insignificant (which I don't), but he took a minute to send me an email and let me know that.
Maybe testosterone won't be so heavy today after all :)

Today I'm going to classes no matter what... I have so many things to catch up with!!!

mallard

I like these guys. There is a park near my apartment and there is a bunch of them. Unfortunately there is also some idiots that think is fun to encourage their dog to attack them.
Sometimes it surprises me the low that a human being can be.