Excuse My English...

Can't Sleep

2008-04-20T06:10:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday morning... 5:10 am
I can't believe I woke up this early.
I was sleeping and all of the sudden I woke up with this terrible sensation and only one thought:
I file the wrong SSN in my tax return!!
I can't believe it but apparently I did.
Here is the thing. I don't understand the tax return thing. My husband does it every year. And just like the year before and the one before that, I've been telling him to take them to a professional.
He refuses. And not only that, but he also procrastinates till the very last minute to file.
This Tuesday, he went to my office while I was in the middle of a VERY CRAZY-BUSY day and while my boss is giving me directions and the phone is ringing, he is holding the paper form for me to sign and put my SSN in it. Of course I had trouble remembering my SSN in the middle of all that so I put what I thought was the correct number and then run to grab the phone.
Then he run for his life to the Post Office believing it would be a very long long line.
I haven't thought about it until this morning. Now I can't get back to sleep, and my husband is dreaming like a little angel.
I went to one of my favorite websites to get rid of all my negative thoughts. It's beautiful.
I feel a little better now.
We will see tomorrow what we can do about this problem. I hate the government forms and bureaucracy. I have more chances of getting to learn and understand Chinese than understanding tax forms.
I'm going to wake up my husband. If I'm going to be deprived of my sleep he should suffer too. It's only fair. I know... I'm awful.

"Do You Speak English ?"

2008-01-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

I absolutely loved this post.
One of those things you find digging here and there.

Passion Killers

2007-12-27T22:33:00.000-08:00

picture by rogiro

Bureaucracy is really like very old underwear: a total passion-killer.
So I got this amazing opportunity to carry on this research project at work. It's a collaborative project funded by a local government agency. The money is there, we got the contacts to make it happen, we have the perfect person to conduct the research, the facilities, the equipment and the energy. The only problem is that we need to go over a huge mountain of papers and people that I don't even know in order to make it happen.

Download this form, fill it up, make the Principal investigator sign it (that btw would be my boss who is in vacations for a month), then route it to this department... then this other one... and then send it back to us, with a budget, the proposal, the scope of work ad then we can start the process to see how to make it work.

Yayyy!
Seriously, I feel like shooting myself in the head.
We are literally tied up to a million of rules that I'm sure have a good reason to be in this place, but really, they kill any creativity.
I've found myself disregarding great ideas and projects because I don't feel like going through the process of figuring out how to make this happen after I've found all the possible resources.
It just kills my drive!
I've also found myself today walking outside my office to cool down my head and talk myself into not getting discouraged and do whatever it takes to make this great opportunity for my offices work out. It was freezing outside so it sort of worked out well. I came back after an hour to my desk ready to tackle the bunch of forms and processes to follow, but i wasn't feeling less frustrated at all.
Well, I found this great post from Lee Brown, an interior designer ranting like I do about bureaucracy in her field of expertise.
Is really hard to get creative and run with your ideas when a huge machine is wrapped up to your neck.
*sigh*

The Art of Letting go

2007-12-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

I guess it is a form of art and I totally lack the talent.
I don't know how to let go and how to stop going over and over the same situation until I make everybody sick of it.
Today, I had a student helping me at the office and her chair broke, which caused her to fall and hurt herself really bad. She already has back problems and she has been attending physical therapy. I was really worried so I sent her to the Student Health services, and then I wrote a Memo to my boss about the incident.
I tell you, I was feeling so much like crap, mostly because we don't have the money to buy good furniture so all the stuff we have is recycled furniture from other offices, things that other people doesn't want we reuse it at our office.
When I saw the face of that girl today trying to stop the tears from coming out I felt like a piece of crap. There she is trying to help us and the damn chair breaks on her. And I can't do anything about it. I almost started crying too.
It's so unfair! My office is trying to help a group that is almost 20% of our population and we are set to a building that used to be lockers for the local Football team 50 years ago, and with almost no windows. We can not make any major changes because the building is pre-asbestos era, and if that is not enough they sent us to the basement of said building. All the money we receive (which is very little in comparison to the amount we really need for the things we want to accomplish) has to be used to do the activities and programs that our community needs. My boss barely sleeps working for this Center and doing classes (she is also professor) and I can tell she is really worried about the future of our Research Center given the cuts that projects like ours are experiencing from State and Federal funding.
Last weekend I didn't even sleep working to prepare a meeting to be able to get support and I think it was successful, but we won't be able to tell until we receive some money as an outcome from that.
New furniture is not in our budget and is not really affordable.
I wish that somebody could donate some nice furniture. I'm so sick of all the almost useless stuff. I'm very lucky we were able to secure money to buy me a good computer that actually shows the images on the screen. But I'm afraid that is where the magic ends.

To Complete The Mission...

2007-11-20T14:48:00.000-08:00

I got a million of things to take care of. I'm absolutely going bananas, and yet, i'm blogging.
I know, I know, I haven't blogged since forever, but I really LOOOVVVVVEEE my new job and I'm really absorbed by it.
So far it can hardly get any better, people are amazing and my boss is the best.
Just one problem has arisen in these few months.
The girl that works with me.
I don't know. She seems so lost in the space.
She is really a good girl and one of those persons that deserve to be happy. But everytime I turn around it seems like she is looking for ways to sabotage herself and her success. You know that type of woman? They seem to be always making the wrong decisions, making poor judgment and then regretting every single step they take.
They are the perfect victims.
And they inspire you to help, to shelter them, to extend a hand to them. But then, when everything seems to be manageable again, they do something that makes you think "What the f***?".
At some point you will stop giving advise or even caring, you will just shrug and move on. I hate that part, but I feel I'm there right now.
She came to me yesterday to tell me the great news.
Her boyfriend proposed during the weekend.
They have been going out for a little more than a month, and now they are getting married, in the spring. Age? Super Young. Something like 22 I believe.
I don't know what is the fixation with women in this country on getting married as soon as they find somebody that calls them pretty.
Are they that lonely?
I didn't even dreamt of marriage at that age. I really wanted to be free. Being single was so cool!! If it wasn't because the law wouldn't allow me to be with my love in the same country unless I walk the aisle I wouldn't be married yet.
Anyhow. I feel like I'm watching a train going directly to the cliff. I mean, they have barely been together enough to really make a commitment that huge, and also, she is maniac depresive and looks like is having bipolar issues.
I'm tired now. I was honest and told her what I thought about getting married so young, with so much baggage, and in so little time. What is the rush?
Awell. she is old enough to take her own decisions.

decisions

2007-11-13T22:18:00.000-08:00

I definitely love my job.
How did I figured that out? Because I got up one day at 5 in the morning ready to get to the office earlier and I was HAPPY about it.
These last 3 months have been really crazy and freakishly challenging. And I must also add that nothing is getting easier for me as time goes by. But I'm happy to face those challenges. I read this long time ago and it has helped me a lot in this new job (Thanks a million for that post Elise!). Every little piece of advise from Tina Seelig has been a treasure that really helped me in the hardest moments, when I had to prove myself on front of people that expected nothing but perfection.
I got to say also that I got a wonderful boss that, although is really pushy, she really gets the best of me.
Now it's time to get back to school. Finally after years of dreaming of this it finally comes true. I will get to go to college. I will be able to graduate from college and accomplish the biggest dream of my life. This is a long overdue debt with myself and the time has come to pay it. I can't be more excited, happy and... confused?
Yeap. My life has gone and so many different directions in the last years that what I wanted to be 5 years ago doesn't seem to be quite accurate anymore.
I still love technology, but I've grown so disappointed on the environment that I'm afraid that I will end up accruing another one to my list.
Also, my boss pointed out something very important. I have people skills and I really love to socialize and learn from people, but the IT world is not very conductive to socializing.
I don't know what to do.
I've been thinking on Engineering, information systems, journalism, marketing and even social work. But everything has a down side and I don't know how to work around it.
Help!

My affair with Jude Law

2007-10-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

Today I will endulge in a little of teenage fantasizing.
I never remember my dreams.
But for some reason I do remember this one, and I hate the fact I didn't keep on dreaming it!
I was in this travelling theater company and Jude Law was helping us to get to people and perform. When we were leaving I wrote him a letter and I went personally to read it to him.
He was so pleased and happy, because he was very simple and nice. So I read my letter mixing the english with my native language and he was so happy, he started getting closer and closer to me. He asked me with his wonderful british accent what perfume I was wearing (Evelyn Rose from Crabtree and Evelyn) and he kept getting closer and closer. I kept on reading but it was getting more and more difficult as my breath was getting shorter and shorter, the temperature was raising and I felt the touch of his face against my neck as he tried to smell my perfume.
Then my husband woke me up to go to work.
I figure I should register this dream since I doubt I will ever even get to know Jude Law. But let me tell you. He has the most amazing personality and sexiest smile on my dreams.

9 to 5

2007-08-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I got my first paycheck. Just like I thought, it hurts.
I knew it would be less money (really less) but at the same time I think about all the good things that are coming my way with this new job. I look at it as an investment.
Because that is what it really is.
Still hurts, but awell.
This last couple weeks have been so exhausting. Due to the fact I don't have anybody to ask nearby and that the previous person left a huge mess, I feel sometimes overwhelmed and I wonder if I am up to this task. My boss is really happy and she and the department have been really nice and encouraging, but I can help to feel a little frustrated sometimes. The good part is that so far everything has been falling in it's place eventually, and I tell myself all the time, just like a mantra, that these are not problems but opportunities.
We are working on the organization of several events, some of which start in just a couple weeks from now.
Another good thing is the amazing freedom I've experienced with regards to creativity. I get to design a lot of graphic material without having to follow the taste of anybody but me. My boss is really pleased with the result and so are some of the board members that have come accross some of my work. That really makes me happy.

that job is mine!!!

2007-08-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

Yeap, ladies and gentlemen, I got the job!!!

I started on Monday and make no mistake, it's really hard and demanding, but so far I'm enjoying myself.
Besides, I really like my boss. I liked my previous boss as well, but I'm really liking this new one. she is a very prominent woman in our community and she is very important in our State.
I admire her so much!
I really hope things just get better from here on.
Life is good!

Interview

2007-07-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

I had my interview this morning and it went well I think.
Well, I can't say for sure because I haven't yet developed the ability to read people's minds.
I did like the people I'm supposed to work with though. And it was a very interesting conversation, I liked it and I had a great time.
I really want to get this new job, it seems like tailored for me.

Yes!!!

2007-07-17T17:25:00.000-07:00

I passed the darn test!!!
I did!!
I'm almost there!
I already called my mom and my sisters and now I'm off to celebrate.
I haven't gotten the job yet, but we will see tomorrow after my interview.
:)

Wow

2007-07-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

I took the test this morning.
All I can say is: Wow.
There were 100 questions and I just need 56 correct. Still, it was so hard that the more I think about it the more depressed I feel.
I really want this job, but this test was unbelievable!
It was almost surreal.
There were other 5 people with me trying for the same position.
They all looked like English was just their 2nd language and I wonder how did they do.
I hope I passed, otherwise I would be devastated.
It's just that although I still feel passionate about the mission of my current job, I'm growing more and more disinterested in the job itself. Part of it is the lack of involvement I'm experiencing in the decision-making procedures. I feel like my collaboration is being slowly pushed back.
Besides, I must admit that since I was offered this opportunity all I can think of is this new job. Dream on, dream on.

Preparation

2007-07-11T20:47:00.001-07:00

Here studying like mad. On Monday is my test for this new job and I want to be the best. I want to make clear that I'm the person for that job.
I'm a little worried about my grammar and bussiness math. I make a lot of mistakes due to English being my second language, but I'll be fine.
ttfn

Hot

2007-07-07T16:41:00.000-07:00

What a hot couple of days. The temperatures have reached record numbers and I am inside my house trying to cool down with my cats and birds. Poor hubby, had to work all of these days.
I received an email today saying that my application for this other job I SOOOOOO want, has already been approved and I have to show up in one more week for a written examination.
I'm not really worried but I will try to brush up on my business math and all that old stuff.
Now, instead of continue eating my own brain thinking of what is going to happen, I will prepare some nice Ice tea with the herbs from my backyard.
ttfn.

Everything's just wonderful

2007-07-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

I'm bored to death.
Being bored makes me grumpy.
I already applied for that job I talked about in my last post but nothing is happening yet. I think they have to stop recruitment tomorrow and then I should know.
In the meantime every day is becoming more unbearable at my current job.
I think I mentioned some time ago that I'm not getting along with this guy that write grants for the organization. Now he is in charge of training as well and from 20 hours a week now I have to share the same air with him 40 hours a week.
I also mentioned some time ago that the only reason I put up with this a**hole is because he brings money to the organization and I don't need everybody hating me for chasing him away. Besides he has managed to kiss everybody's arse and I don't even get why everybody falls for it. It's so fake and insincere!! It revolves my stomach... literally.
I'm at the point that everytime he walks in or I hear his fake laughter my body reacts badly and my stomach starts hurting really bad.
Also, now I'm at the point where my job has nothing more to offer besides more money because I'm not doing anything really creative or exciting. The last time I tried being creative by designing a postcard that we would send out my boss came and told me to use the one she made from last year.
I really need a change so if this job that I'm so crazy about doesn't work I'll be looking for another one anyways.

On the good side: I've been playing guitar more often now. I've bought a cd I liked and the lyrics are so powerful and the music so energetic I couldn't resist myself. So I grabbed my guitar and I had a great time trying to make up the chords of the songs. I'm thinking of writing my own song... well, to tell the truth I've thought about that for a long time but I think I finally got the title for the first one: Brown nose.

Dizzy

2007-06-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life takes you by surprise.
I'm used to it though.
The only thing different this time is how good or bad is the surprise.
I always tell my friends:

"Life wants you to move forward and if you don't, she pushes you... and hey, Life doesn't have soft hands and it hurts"

.
I talk because of my own experience. That is why I'm not fond of comfort zones. Every time I get too cozy and I don't want to move I get one of those pushes and it has always hurt and left me bruised.
It has always been for the better though. That is how I ended up marrying this man so "unusual" and moving to a country I never even dreamt of visiting.
That is how I've learnt so many different things and how I've meet so many different and interesting people. The key is to know that is always scary, it always terrifies you, and there is always people around you quick to advice and tell you all the possible things that could go wrong; but beyond all that you must never freeze and let it take control. Just know that you are stronger than all of that.
On the last few days I received Life's visit once again. Yeap, one of those.
It was my husband's birthday and I had to cook something really light and special at the same time because the only time that we could be together was after his job at around 11 pm. It got me very depressed and mad at the circumstances and I was thinking about the best way to make the changes I needed in my life when the phone rang. I got offered a really good job as the assistant to the Director of a Research Center at the Local University. Of course I said yes immediately but I still have to go through the whole selection process and put up with the bureaucracy necessary to make this thing work out.In the meantime I'm all dizzy and I'm kind of trying to be patient and hope for the best. I keep on thinking on the worst case scenario and trying not to freak out. I haven't been able to calm down yet and I'm enjoying every single minute of it.

After the storm

2007-06-04T14:38:00.000-07:00

A lot of time and lots of things have happened:
1.- My sister went back home with my mom who was missing her an awful lot.

2.- Well, that darn conference has passed and finally I feel like I can breathe again.
As a matter of fact, last month most of what I’ve done is sitting down and just enjoying the silence and the calm.
It was hard at first. My sister left so the clam was even harder to process in my brain, because it got tangled with the feelings of missing her. So I was relaxed but I wasn’t happy.
Now I feel better though.

3.- I got a new neighbor and she is the sweetest lady. She has a little dog and we have a lot of things in common. Like me she spends a lot of time by herself so we agreed that if we were feeling lonely we would visit each other. She was struggling to remove the periwinkle that was growing like crazy all over the place so I went and help her clean up a section of her garden so she can plant some herbs and vegetable if she feels like it. A couple days later she came over with a present. Knowing that I love cats and I love tea, she gave me a teapot in the shape of a kitty cat.

4.- I’m looking for another job. Yes I love my job now, but I have to admit: I’m not moving forward. I’m not learning much and I think that my time here is over. I feel like I have so much to give and nobody has been able to exploit all that capabilities hidden inside me. I feel I can be a lot more but I lack of the stimulation that can ignite my creative self. Also there is another problem. I don’t have health Insurance. My husband does but he has to work weekends and holidays and I’m sick and tired of spending my holidays and weekends alone. So I want to get a job with Health Insurance so my husband can quit this other job and look for something better.

5.- I started sewing and cooking. I’m finally starting to do more crafty stuff. I love craft but just now I’m giving myself time to dedicate to my hobbies.
I’ll publish pictures of the apron I made later.

Sweet Sunday

2007-04-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

Today I really wanted to go and relax, but I started my day by cleaning the whole house. Piles of dishes accumulated I don't now how since I washed them all the night before. We moved the birds to the dinning room where most of the action usually happens and only after cleaning and cooking some veggies I was able to treat myself by making some meat on the grill. My sister and I put all together and open a bottle of nice wine to enjoy the wonderful food.
I really needed to relax. Lately is like I am in some sort of weird dimension trying to fit in and trying just to survive.
Work is not helping much since I spend most of the time by myself or only with my boss. My sister thinks that I need to find another job with more people to socialize with. I don't know about that, but I must admit that there is a part of me that agrees with her.
Also, I can't stop thinking about my friend. The one I dreamt of the other night. I tried looking him up on the web but nothing. It's like he doesn't even exist. My only hope is that my sister or my mom are able to find an old address book and pull his number from there.
I don't want to think about tomorrow. I wish I could make my weekends last longer. I wanted so badly to clean and reorganize the garage but I run out of time.
Well, I guess I just need to wait for other 5 days till I can work on that again.

Talking about hurting people

2007-04-08T12:31:00.001-07:00

Illinois - Union - Illinois Railway Museum - No Injury is Acceptable - All Injuries Can be Prevented - Sign.jpg,
originally uploaded by Colin Gregory Palmer.

The First cut is the deepest

2007-04-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I had this dream about a fried of mine. I lost contact with him but now he is back in my thoughts I feel like I really need him and I really need to talk to him. I realize now that I might have hurt him really bad 10 years ago. But I was way too immature and I didn't know any better and I realize now that things work out the way they did for the better.
His memory sneaked up on me like a ghost and now it looks like it will stay with me until I pay my debt. I miss you my friend and I wish I could have your warm embrace like on those warm summer days.
I'm sorry and I miss you!!!

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

2007-04-02T18:57:00.000-07:00

The last week has been full of distress for my whole house. My husband, cats and now the cockatiels. Mostly because of the last ones. On friday one of them started to look really sad and his feathers were puffed up most of the time. also they spent an awful amount of time on the bottom of the cage. I started researching ad reading and I realized that it was a very bad sign. They were probably cold. So I went ahead and moved them to my bedroom. Now they both look a lot better but they still won't allow me to get very close without freaking out. they barely allow me to change their water and my husband is the one that actually has to clean them up.
It turned out to be that cokatiels are vey sensitive and temperamental birds and they absolutely HATE CHANGES. Also, it takes a long time for them to get to trust a person so we have a lot of work ahead.

I must admit I feel really lost regarding how to treat them and how not to upset them. I wich I had somebody to ask. Tomorrow I'll see this lady that has cockatiels as well and she might be able to shade some light about the whole situation.
In spite of how hard has been for the 6 of us, I still love to have them with me and to be able to give them shelter in a moment of need.

On being silenced

2007-03-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

Día Internacional de los Derechos Humanos 05,
originally uploaded by Sorgin.

I know i have not blogged in a while. Not for lack of interest, but mostly lack of time. Is just that having my sister around I want to spend as much time with her as I can. And also want to spend all the time I can with my husband (due to our crazy schedules this is very unusual).
Well, today I went to a music rehearsal and the director is a nice professor that comes from my country. As a matter of fact the 90% of the group are from the same country which is very unusual to see in USA. Maybe is like my mom would say "God gives them life and the devil get them together".
Anyhow, I met this professor and I made a comment about something that happened a few years before I was born. Things were crazy back then and protests were increasing constantly. One day some very young students got killed at the door of a school. They were shot like animals. They were so young. They just wanted to be free, and they wanted the country to be free. I casually mentioned that to the professor and he told me he remembered that. He happened to be the director of the school in which door these kids were killed. A little after that this professor himself had to flee the country to protect his own life since they took away his right to dissent.
I was really taken back by this revelation. I was not prepared for it and it reminded me of all the repression me and my country lived for so many years. It reminded me why is so important to protect the voices of those that dare to think different and to respect them even if their voices dissent from yours. And also reminded me where things can go terribly wrong. Where is the line and where is the use and abuse.
I hear people all the time talking about freedom of speech. Most of the time these same persons have no idea what this freedom is all about. They justify bullying and violence(verbal, physical or psychological) to get the point across.
I hold very close to my heart this: If I need to use violence to make you understand I'm right, then it means I'm wrong.

Fostering Cockatiels

2007-03-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

We have two new members in our family. They haven't got names yet and they seem to hate me with a passion (sigh) but I promised I would give them my love and that is exactly what I intend to do.
This is the story: The cockatiels belonged to this old couple. They had them for about 5 years. This couple was living with their daughter, who btw is a very wealthy lady that made a fortune with some IT companies on the 90s. She is married to this guy who also has a nice income with his own construction company.They built this "in-laws" house in their property and asked this old couple to live with them, that way they would have privacy and live comfortably till the end of their days. but after some years this sweet lady and her husband have decided that they will move to Mexico and that the old people needs to get out and with no much of a notice they took away all their furniture (which was bought with money that all the family pitched in) including their bed and now they are living with a granddaughter where there is no room for the birds. They didn't want to sell them, but give them to somebody they trust and knowing how much I love my pets they asked me if I would take them.
This whole story is horrible and it kills me to see people that has worked all their lives so hard to bring up children that will pay back in this way.Can these people get any lower? Do they need the money so badly that they need to take even the bed from their parents? And this just days from having one of them checked out of the hospital? I'm sorry for this woman because I've seen other people behave this way before and getting the worst karma (or God's punishment, whatever you prefer) for the rest of their lives. I wish them luck... with that karma they will absolutely need it.

coming down with a cold

2007-01-31T22:18:00.000-08:00

I feel awful today. Yesterday I started feeling sick.
It was my birthday yesterday btw.
So I'm planning on going on a little trip on friday to celebrate shopping for my favorite guilty pleasures, but if this continues this way I don't know if it will be possible.
This is my birthday tradition: getting sick.

In my Language

2007-01-30T23:28:00.000-08:00

I found this amazing video thanks to a link from zefrank.
I've always been interested in autism and although I don't know why is this I feel like I have to find a way to understand what does autism really mean.
I have not directly been touched by it by I have a friend whose adoptive son has autism and she is struggling to understand how to communicate with him and how to help him to communicate with us.
When I saw this video I was really taken back. There is way too much that we don't know about autism. We are so used to call it a disease nd the truth is that we are far from really understanding what it really is.
I want to learn. I want to understand.
I asked my friend to watch this video and she said that watching the first part was really hard on her. She could see how her little boy was heading towards the same place. Everyday seemed to her like a regression instead of a progress and she really felt this was very hard to watch. However, the second part helped her to understand better what was really happening and recognize the same reactions on her own son. She said that the second part really made her feel "hopefull".
Thanks silentmiaow for such a wonderful video.

The best food ever

2007-01-25T20:57:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about trying a very old resturant nearby. It's a Basque restaurant that apparently has been around for long long time.
I finally went tonight with my sister and my husband. It was a family style restaurant meaning you have to sit in large tables with other people you don't even know.
We sat with other 4 habituals that taught us about the food we would find and what we should expect. They apparently spend a lot of time there. One of them run a liquor business of some sort and very kindly bought us a drink he thought ( and he was absolutely right) that we would enjoy. It was FUN!!
We talked like we knew each other for years. they told us stories and kept on talking to my sister that tried to keep up as much as she could with her broken english. One of them even offered to set her up with his 40 year old son. I had to decline. He would have to go back to our country to ask for my sister's hand and he had a snowball chance in hell that my mother would allow another daughter to leave her for a foreign land. very flattering offer though. We had the best dinner ever.
The food was unbelievable and it's certainly the best food I've had since I arrived to USA. Besides, I love the idea of passing around the dishes for everyone to eat. The food was light in spite of all the meat and although it consisted of soup, wine, a platter with chicken, another of rabbit, french fries, salad, beans, chesse and ice cream, I came back home feeling as light as when I started my dinner, only I was not hungry anymore. I didn't have that feeling of being stuffed like a turkey. It is the signature of a real homemade dinner.
the company I must say did 70% of the whole experience. It was the best company you could wish. Those guys were funny and very interesting to listen too. some of them with very strong Basque roots.
I will definitely pay another visit as soon as I can.

Sin City

2007-01-24T21:37:00.000-08:00

What have I been doing lately??
Tons of things.
And nothing much at the same time.
I just came back from a trip to Las Vegas. My first time in Sin City. Really fun. I wish I had more time to spend over there. I got to see Jubilee and all I wanted since then was to be one of those girls. Do you imagine how cool must be to be a very old woman and tell your granchildren that you used to dance naked for an audience and they liked it! I'm sure it would be a very disturbing thought for your grand and greatchildren but I would have fun telling that story thousnads of times.
It was such an amazing and beautiful show. I found myself literally with my mouth opened several times during the performance. I envy them. I would have to be born again to be able to be like them. They were perfect.
My husband and I got to take a picture with them after the show. It was great!
We also found an awesome Italian REstaurant at the Fashion Mall: Maggiano's. Good price and AWESOME food. I mean, I ate it all. The portions are not human but we were starving and everything was so delicious! We couldn't stop ourselves and we even had some place for Tiramisu. It was like tasting heaven.
One thing I got to say about Las Vegas though. People are really not nice. They are mostly rude, unless you are giving them some money they will not be nice to you. My sister was shocked that even in our flight over there the flight attendant, when she couldn't reach for to one of the passenger just threw a bag of peanuts at him from afar. She had never seen such a thing and neither had I. For future reference this was at the Southwest Airlines. DO NOT take that airline. They are awfully packed! I do not know if that is case with all airlines but you barely have space to breath there. Each row of seats consist in 3 narrow seats. I kept hitting and being hit with the elbows. Next time I'm willing to pay more and travel more comfortably. I mean like a human being.
If you ever go to Las Vegas and you are with more than 2 persons take the limousine. A town car will do. Just $40 bucks and they will show you the whole strip before getting to your hotel. My driver was a really sweet and nice girl. She was from Chicago.
There are hotels for all tastes. I chose the Luxor because I thought it would be a fun and exotic, but the truth is that in spite of looking really cool from the outside, inside barely keeps up to your expectations. A very impressive entrance but once you get out of you elevator and start looking for your room you realize the sensation of clausthrophobia that comes over. My room was at the other side of the elevator so I basically had to walk more than Victor Corradine in Kung Fu to get to my room. Also, the elevators are in poor conditions. They keep on opening several times before they decide to stay closed and take you to the floor you ask for.
Anyways, we barely spend anytime at the hotel (thankfully). We visited other hotels. Every one of them is a destination by itself. I must say, my favorites are Paris and the Venetian. Bellagio was beautiful and amazing as well, but who am I kidding, I work for a non-profit and I can't afford that much luxury.
We spent hours at the Venetian and at Paris. It never ends! Fun Fun Fun!!
I walked so much!! It was fun but the day after we came back I wasn't able to make it to work. Beware. You will need at least one day to recover if you go To Las Vegas, because there is no way you can enjoy all the things that amazing place has to offer.
My sister and I are planning to go back and see Tom Jones (believe it or not we are both fans) at the MGM. We'll see.

Happy New 2007

2007-01-01T20:01:00.001-08:00

hello punk kitty.jpg,
originally uploaded by Irisita.

This year I started to settle in my new city.
In the beggining I got several jobs and some better than others. It didn't help much in the way of money but they helped me to meet great people that taught me about the place I'm living in now.
After looking and searching for something that could make me happy I landed at my current job. Not a lot in the way of money either but for the first time I was happy after a day at the office. Also I was very lucky to find such a great boss, and now friend.
As a wonderful way to finish my year I got my sister to spend the Holidays with!
There is a lot yet to accomplish in my new place but I feel very confident that things are going in the direction they are supposed to go.
This year I must consolidate myself and start taking over those tasks and projects I've put aside while I was getting settled in this city.
I love my job but I realize that the day will come when I will have to move on so I need to keep on studying.
I got another membership for a gym (I hate to excercise at the gym but there isn't much of an option right now) and this time I'm affraid I'm actually working out.
And let's not forget that I need to get ready for 2010. I have great plans for that year!!! Watch out Europe!

Not Ready to make Nice

2006-12-21T23:21:00.000-08:00

Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I'm still mad that is true. Today somebody mentioned this dumbass' name and I felt as angry as I was last Sunday when I realized my stuff was gone. Today some of the stuff that was taken from us was returned, but my cd player nor the speakers we bought for the office were among those things. I really doubt I see them again.
So tonight I went and got some gift cards I receive as Christmas present from work and I got myself an Ipod. It still doesn't make me feel any better though.
I feel so rotten inside, not because of the cd player but because all this situation has showed me what kind of person this guy is and is bringing the worst from me to the surface. I feel hate and thI just can't stand to even hear his name.
pheewww!!!
How can some people be so imbecil!!

Patience

2006-12-20T23:11:00.001-08:00

Patience,
originally uploaded by dhammza.

Ohhhhhhh... Today was one of those days in which I almost reach the top of my patience. The idiot resposible for the loss of my beloved and arcaic cd player was at the office today. I couldn't make eye contact with him. I was affraid that my eyes were machine guns and he would get shooted by them. I tried really hard to not show him how i felt because he is (apparently) a big asset for the non-profit. For what I've heard he has gotten a lot of money in donation for the Christmas presents and Holiday Party. Also he knows how to write grants and has a lot of experience in that area. Otherwise I would have already exploded.
He is a complete a******.

God is trying to tell me something

2006-12-19T23:30:00.001-08:00

Waiting for rebirth,
originally uploaded by access.denied.

I guess.

The other day I was watching just some silly movie and one phrase got stuck in my head: " Live everyday like it was on purpose". And tonight I started watching another silly movie and It turned out to be all about living life to the fullest. It kind of came in a good moment because I really needed some help to appreciate things around me.
Lately I have been feeling a little down.
The usual. I feel like I'm not moving anywhere, like I have no help from anybody and no support. Sometimes I just want for somebody to notice my needs and give me some support or some rest, but most of the time I am the one doing that job for everyone. I kind of have to wait for my turn, but my patience is running thin.
Things have not been easy for me lately. I worked really hard on a holiday party for needy Children and while I was there somebody got into my office and stole a cd player I got from my my kudos at my first job in USA some years ago. It wasn't anything modern, I know, but it had a sentimental value. The guy responsible for this situation didn't even acknowledge the loss and didn't give it any importance. I got so angry. I put him on my sh** list right away. I better don't see his face in a while.
So that was the last straw really, from several days of hard, hard work, little sleep and big efforts to make a happy family, a happy work place and a better world. Sometimes I feel like the only one person that appreciates what I do is my boss, and isn't that somthing weird? Usually is the opposite for most of people.
Now I think God wants me to know that I need to start taking control of my life.
I feel like I'm living in one of those dreams where you need to run but your legs are not moving and your body just doesn't respond, if anything it moves so slowly that you can't go anywhere anyways. Can you wake up from that nightmare anyways?
Maybe I just need to watch another silly movie to hear the answer.

Constant Presence

2006-11-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

When I was a child I used to joke with my favorite aunt because non of us had grandparents. I had my mother's side grandfather and I loved him dearly but he died when I was 9. My grandmother (his wife) was never very affectionated and since she lived in the other side of the country I would rarely see her anyways. On my father's side my grandmother was all the oppossite. She would play with me and tell me the most funny stories but then diabetes got the best of her and she even forgot the name of my sisters. She would remember my name until the day she died though. Her husband (my so called grandfather) never cared for me or my sisters. We were just a disspointment for him, we were "just women" and he expected the fisrt child of his first child to be a man.
My aunt Olga would tell me that we should be called "the ones without Grandparents".
Many years later I met a man that adopted me as his own granddaughter and he is constntly in my mind. I can hear his voice in other people's voice, his face in other people's faces. It's like I'm being constantly reminded that he was here and what he meant to me. Now I'm listening to old songs he told me he would sing while travelling around the country as a hobo when he was 15 years old. I miss him. I'll always will.

Of cats and mice

2006-10-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

It has been already a week of my sister visiting and we have already an issue. Apparently she doesn't approve of me having the cats indoors. I explained to her that we keep them away from diseases and other parasites that way and althought I allow the boy to go outside from time to time it's only if I'm going to be there with him to make sure he is not running to the street or chasing the birds. Last night the girl was a little sick apparently and she had something gross on her hair. My husband and I grabbed her and cleaned her up but this seems to have upset my sister because she locked herself in her room. We were getting ready to have dinner and when we got to the table she had picked her plate and took it with her as well. My husband was very puzzled by this. I mean, we have done anything but being nice to her and providing her with whatever she needs or wants and even more. I don't see why would she get so freaked out by something so small.
Sometimes pets get sick and you have to help them. What m I supposed to do? Let the cat go screw herself and send her to freeze to death out the door? These kitties are my family. When I was all by myself in the Midwest they were my only company and I see them as a very important part of my life. Just because she doesn't feel the same way I'm not about to change the way I treat them. It's not like I feed them from my spoon or my plate or anything like that. Their litter box is clean and I take them to the vet as often as possible. In the case of the girl because of her issues I need to take her every three months so she stays out of trouble.
Awell, I guess her attitude may be something that has nothing to do with the kitties and is more about the uncapability of being grateful for the things you have and appreciating when people gives you love.

Halloween is almost here...

2006-10-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

... and so is my sister. That's funny!
;P
Do you get it?? Because she is wicked!
and it's halloween!
(cricket noises here)
I have no freaking idea what to do for halloween. I don't know if children in this neighborhood do trick or treat at all. I hope they do. When I was in the Midwest I never saw anybody asking for candy around my neighborhood which was very dissapointing.
Anyhow, my husband and I bought this very cool soda from Target, it's called Spider Cider from Jones Soda and I liked it a lot. I bought several tiny cans to give away. If nobody comes I'll drink them all.
Also I want to make some decoration once my sister is here. I want her to enjoy a very american visit so she can say she was actually here and it was worth the money. That was an issue while I lived in the Midwest. Nobody was interested in visiting me.
I also want to decorate the office with halloween stuff. My boss said it was ok but she asked me not to get carried away. That won't be easy.

Rectangule of Bermudas

2006-10-05T23:50:00.000-07:00

Bed + new mac + zefrank.com + cold medicine = happily wasted hours of my life

In perspective...

2006-10-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

I just came back from our Board Meeting. I only got up from bed to attend the meeting and help on whatever was necessary. The office was down. I mean no connectivity, no internet. Something happened last night i guess and the energy went out because my computer was turned off and the modem from the DSL was blinking. I restarted everything but the conection wouldn't come back. I'll see what I do about it tomorrow.
Now I feel worst thn before. My throat hurts and my coughing doesn't stop. It makes e feel very crappy. Awell.
The cats are the only ones that seem to enjoy this. They love it when I stay in bed late and better yet if I don't get up at all. That means they can come and sleep around my feet or on the chair next to my bed. They keep me company and they look so cute taking their naps next to me.
My husband has been taking good care of me. Giving me medicine and maing sure I actually take it. He went and bought a wireless router so I can work with my laptop from my bed. Such a sweetie pie!
This week is going to fly by. This weekend is full of events including a reception at a friend's house to celebrate the adoption of her son. Then, the next morning another event to raise money for children and next week my sister is arriving to Reno.
I feel like I don't have time for anything. But I'm enjoying myself, even with this awful cold.

Early departure

2006-10-04T14:59:00.000-07:00

Well, the cold is getting bad now so I'm getting back home. My husband just finished his classes and he is picking me up. I'm craving chinesse food. I don't know why, but I crve chinesse food everytime I'm sick. Weird.
Besides the fact that my only meal today was a cup of tea in the morning and a cup of coffee this afternoon. I guess my eating habts are not very healthy but I don't have much time for cooking. I always find something more important to do than standing in my kitchen. I'll blog more later... got to leave the office.

Sitting at home

2006-10-03T21:29:00.000-07:00

My husband got a cold and now I got it as well.
Although I don't feel miserable yet, I feel very uncomfortable in my own skin.
So I'm sitting in my couch with my laptop and my CSS book trying to decide what is better, browsing the net or reading the book.
I just want to work on my organization's website which is not very pretty but I want to make it compliant with Web standards and I want to use CSS. However there is one problem. I've never worked with CSS. That is why I bought the book, but I hate to get my finger off the laptop and read. I understand this is absolutely necessary in order to be able to code. I wish I could do like Trinity in The Matrix when she makes a simple phone cal and from that she automatically learns to pilot a helicopter.
I better get back to the book and hopefully I will learn something that will help me to progress with my code.

e-mail challenged

2006-10-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

Things re a little crazy around my job. Good and bad things.
We are receiving a lot of compliments and recognition in the last few months and that is great. So my boss sent this great email to everybody telling them how awesome recognitions we got and that the last one is requiring a trip to receive a prize. Everything was ok to that point. Then, this morning one of our board members replied the email to everyone complaining about the fact that is my boss the one traveling and why can't other board members like himself go as well. There are a few serious problems with this email:
1. The list of email addresses to which he replied included not only board members but also our founders, VIPs from our county and State, and media.
2. He used vocabulary very innapropiate. He referred to our founders as "higher ups" and the officials and people that advocates in our favor as "those with the purse strings".
3. This is not the first time that this exact type of indiscretion happens... with him. Also is not the first time that this type of situation is addressed by the other Board members. All in less than 3 months.

Needless to say, this could hurt us really bad given that we have been working so hard to gain respect from the County and the State and now they all must be thinking that we are nothing but blood suckers and we care more about a free trip and their grants than providing service to our community.
What a shame!

Mixed Signals

2006-09-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

Sit tibi terra levis,
originally uploaded by Manel

This morning I ended up at one of NPR blogs and althought was a very blah one I found great links to better blogs.
I'm one of those people that never have enough. I go home after work and spent long hours sitting on front of my laptop browsing, reading, browsing some more and reading yet more. I'm constantly looking for good blogs, that are not too pretentious, but are fun to follow. So far my favorites are the ones I have linked in this page, but I have to admit that I can't be one day without checking the feeds from Tara Hunt. She is in big part to blame for at least half of my anxiety (the other half is my fault plus other blogs I read as well). When I read her blog and I see how fast she has achieved so many great things I look at my fat reflection in the mirror and I realized that I've spent the whole afternoon on my computer and achieved nothing. So I get this super loud voice yelling at me:
- You are wasting your life away... AGAIN!!! Three years in the Midwest didn't teach you anything???!!
-Well, is not like I know what I want to do.
- Are you sure??? Because as far as I know I'm the voice in your head and it's a little crowded over here.
-What do you mean.
- I can't believe you are pretending not to notice. You are so pathetic when you do that.
- Hey! Who gave you the right to talk to me like that! You are living in my head, remember? I demand respect, or else.
-Or else?
- Yes, or else. I own my head and I can get you evicted anytime if I want to.
- Hahaha. That is funny. I know my rights and I also know that if you try to get rid of me I have enough material to leave you with your head like you want but also with no will to do anything productive from then on. Remember, after all the neglect you have subjected this place to I get to take with me your will and your (almost unused) creative power. I would leave you with only your sad conformity and you'd become another little ant walking around, totally unmissed by anyone.
- Hummm... well, we don't need to yell at each other like this after all. You know very well I wouldn't evict you anyways. That is just the frustration talking.
- Which brings me back to the point that is very crowded in here.
- And that brings me back to the part where I don't get what you are talking about.
- When I first started living in here so many years ago, everything was great. Life was simple and I had a huge yard to enjoy the growing of ideas and the development of the neighborhood. But from some time to this point the development has gotten way out of control. Now I don’t even get to sit outside to see ideas growing on the yard. You started building around this property so much that now my yard has become a high traffic area for the handful of shady tenants you’ve got. The soil is still fertile but the ideas tree never gets to ripen any fruit. That lady, the one that looks like has never taken a shower in her life comes over and steals them when they are only green! Yes, that what her name?
- Frustration?
-Yes! That one! Filthy bitch. And that is not all!! I can’t stand the noise anymore. This guy, Anxiety. He seems a quiet fellow and I thought everything would be ok. But every day and night he is working with his obnoxious power tools doing who knows what, but I can’t hear my own thoughts. With all that noise every little thing I try to do has to be stoped because nothing is enjoyable anymore. And so many more of those low-life are coming to invade my privacy that I’m seriously thinking of relocating, but I tell you: I do that and you better forget about the yard because none of these assholes is going to take care of it and most likely in less of a month this will be a desert and you will have to build some parking lot instead. That will please so much that fat idiot that has been trying to put that business here for so long. That fat Complacency guy.
- I swear, I noticed things were going down, but I try to keep up. It’s not easy when there so much going on in my life.
- Listen, this is not my problem. It’s really yours, and you better fix it… or else.

Amanda is still on

2006-09-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

I was wondering where Amanda Congdon went. I knew her blog was about to retire but I never checked back what happened. I'm very pleased to discover she is still on business and I loved this interview in particular.
I think is very disturbing that people close their eyes and cover their ears to what is really happening out there. In this country we hear constantly the word "freedom" but what is freedom really? I don't think people really understand the value of this because most of them don't understand what it is like to be without freedom.

Words in Wartime

2006-09-20T23:18:00.001-07:00

hulk angry,
originally uploaded by owenbooth.

My husband gets really mad everytime he hears anybody calling a regimen fascist. Most of the time is just the wrong word and has nothing to do with the message that wants to be put accross. I found this very interesting article where Joseph Sobran talks about it.
Sometimes people just wants to show their anger and uses anything that sounds ugly enough. Sometimes to show the frustration many throw the Hitler comparissons on the table too.

"The Left has been using fascism as a cussword since the days of Hitler and Mussolini. It was already very old and weary by the time it was annexed to Islam. But what’s fascistic about al-Qaeda, unless fascist just means a form of politics I don’t like, which doesn’t take us very far toward understanding what it is?"

Thanks Owenbooth for the awesome picture of the angry Hulk.

Hard Sale

2006-09-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

We finally reached that point and my husband invited me to go and look for a new car. I've mentioned lately that I would like to have a 4WD, mostly because of the mountains. I love to go on trips crossing the mountains but the weather not always is nice and in those opportunities I wish I had a 4WD, so I wouldn't have to get off the car and put chains and freeze my hands off. Also it gives me a (maybe totally false) sense of security. Being trapped on top of the mountains in a snow storm surrounded by semi trucks is far from being desirable.
I've been thinking of going for a Subaru because is not flashy and it has a good mileage. I'm not a Hummer person. I'm more of a Mini Cooper sort of girl. I love that they are so small and minimalistic and yet they have the sport side that gives me a little of an adrenaline rush. They say "I'm small but I'm still kicking your ass". The Hummer in my opinion only says "I'm huge, expensive, SOOOO not fuel efficient, and the guy that drives me is a complete asshole". Unfortunately a Cooper might not do very well in the conditions I described before.
I heard on Car Talk that a Subaru Legacy is less fuel efficient than a Forester so I decided to go for the last one. I'm also fond of Honda because they are a very good quality vehicle and I was sort of curious about the new CR-Vs.
SO I went for a little trip to the car dealers and my first stop was Honda. And here comes my horror story. As soon as I got off the car a sales person immediately greeted me. I told her I was very reluctant to buy anything but I was curious to see what was on the market. She immediately went off to show me the sedans. The problem, I explained, is that due to control issues I like to drive a manual transmission. She explained to me that they did not have these in Sedan and proceeded to show me the CR-V. It was beautiful, all I ever dreamed off and the smell was so good. She must have notice my delight because in no time I had the keys and I was going out for a test drive. Soft soft drive.
I was confused by the clean ride, I'm so used to do hard changes with the transmission that it was very hard for me to figure out with this one which gear was I getting into. But I absolutely loved it. And that was the end of the nice experience. As soon we were done I became a hostage. I was their pray and they would not let go until getting every single drop of my blood. I was scared and wanted to run away. For some sick and perverse reason my husband was actually enjoying himself. He was so amused by the way they kept on lowering the numbers every time I told them I would not buy the car before going home and think about it first. They offered me numbers and more numbers, and I started to feel dizzy and more confused every time. Then they offered me to give them my own numbers and I was about to throw up. Then the guy told me to just take the car home for a week trial! I didn't know they would do such a thing which would explain the enormous amount of car without a license plate in this town. Then I panic! I look up to my husband begging with my eyes for some help to get out of that nightmare but he was having way too much fun. I then said the most horrible thing a car salesperson would ever want to hear:
-I'm sorry, but I'm not taking the car on trial. My dad would always say to me "Bad fortune lies on borrowed things" and I don't need bad fortune. I will go home and think about it while I check my finances. I know that lots of Americans live their lives in debt but I can't live that way.
The guy left and I was able to escape.
I checked my watch, I had spent 3 HOURS IN THERE!!!
My husband asked me if I was up to visit Subaru but there was no way I would engage in another hard sale. I felt like run over by a train and I was physically exhausted. My husband understood and took me home right away where I felt asleep like a baby.
I think I'm holding on to our Honda Civic for another good while.

...both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate

2006-09-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been quite a long time since something grabbed my attention enough to awake the obssesive unbalance that lies beneath my thoughts. After a boring Saturday I decided to rent "V for Vendetta". I wasn't really interested and my expectations were really low since I saw the name of the Wachowski Bros. among the credits. Nothing against the Matrix, the first one at least. I remember when I saw that movie for first time at the theater. It was such an experience! At that point I was also practicing under a strong discipline a form of Kung Fu and the moves and choreographies went right to the center of my heart. I was alucinating when I left the theater and I would come back to the same place to see it again and again. But then, the Matrix Reloaded happened and I completely hated it. There was something wrong about the way it was done and about the scenes, and my sisters fell asleep while watching it. Not even Keanu Reeves handsomeness was capable of keeping them awake. I was terribly dissapointed and I didn't even bother to go to see the 3rd one. Then I heard about this woman suing WB and the Wachowski Bros. for plagiarism and I tend to believe her due to the big difference between the first movie and the sequels. I read somewhere that it had to do with the fact that when the other 2 movies were being made the mind of one of the brothers simplely wasn't there.
Anyhow, I went for this movie mostly because I heard somebody telling me it was good and because the famous Brothers were not really directing nor were the creators of the story.
Boy I regret not seeing it in the big screen. I absolutely felt in love with the character, and the story and I love the questions raised mostly on the grounds of ethics. But above all the music of the language interpreted with such maestry by the incomparable voice of Hugo Weaving.
It was music, and I've been obssesed with it since.
Also this has brought a lot of debate between my husband and I regarding old english, Macbeth, Shakespeare, Don Quijote, and the use of language in general. So far I've seen the movie more than 3 times and I still love it.
Darn it! It's very late but I have so much more to talk about regarding V for Vendetta so I'll continue another day. In the meatime as a homework get the movie and enjoy as I did.

Antique Show

2006-09-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

This is one of my guilty pleasures. I love Antiques!
This weekend there was an antique fair 2 blocks from my house and I found this amazing stand from this Chinese fellow with the most beautiful little things. I bought this tea kettle and my husband got the lock that appears on the back. Love them both!

Some Spirit Lifting

2006-09-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up with the absolute and firm decision to not let the horrible events from yesterday to linger in my soul. So I went ahead and started with one of my frequent visits to Alice Peacock website and listen to this wonderful song that always makes me feel so grateful of being alive. It reminds me of the wonderful things I have and the blessings I've received. It has become some sort of battle song. Everytime I'm sad, upset or dimotivated I click on her website and listen to that song. She wrote it for a friend of hers that was suffering from cancer and inspiring her and many others with her wonderful attitude.
There are so many people that I've learnt to appreciate and when I'm feeling weak or down I raise my thoughts to them because they are an example of strength for me and I feel ashamed of my weakness when I think about them. Some of them are: my parents who fought against so much adversity and still taught me to try to always be a good person leading by their own example; my friends Laura and Karina that work 3-4 jobs to get to the places where they want to be with the people that they love; my sisters that through so much hardeness still get the strenght to become the most amazing women I know; my husband who is uncapable of one selfish thought and is the most good hearted person I've ever known in my life; my godmother that become a renegade from her family and the style of life she always knew to follow the true love of her life and built her own world from zero; and so many others.
There is still hope, and Life is still wonderful.

The Most Unwanted Visit

2006-08-31T23:54:00.001-07:00

Today I had to do the most horrible thing I've ever done. I had to be the bearer of the most horrible news. I had to go with my boss and knock at this woman's door and tell her that her baby was dead. I thought I was going to break in tears and I felt so powerless. My boss was the one doing the talking and all I could do was to reach at this woman and hug her, but there was nothing I could have say that might have brought any comfort. Is there anything more horrible that to know that your baby has died and not to know how or where or why?
I had that baby in my arms a few months ago. She was so beautiful. She didn't deserve to die. And this woman wasn't her real mom but she loved her so much. She had her since the day she was born and after 8 months she had to return the baby to the biological mom. But it doesn't matter, because this was HER baby. And now she is dead, and there are no explanations, no information, just the certainty that she is gone. I was standing there thinking about the day I handed the baby back to the bio mom, and I wanted to yell and scream and tell this woman the truth of how the baby died, but I couldn't. I'm not allow to do so for confidentiality reasons. Again, I was powerless. And I still am. And I will be.
I feel like I have this huge heavy weight in me. It is so difficult to shake it off.
I was reading my friend's blog and she is counting her blessings. I should do the same. Maybe tomorrow I will try doing some stuff to keep myself busy and get over this horrible experience.

Sharing is Evil. Or how the Music Industry is trying to kill our freedom to share.

2006-08-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

I'm ANGRYYYY!!!!!
When I was 12 years old my father took every pennie he had and payed for a custom guitar for me. It was the most wonderful present I ever had. It's not a professional guitar nor fancy either. Just a studio humble guitar. I learnt to play those wonderful folkloric songs my parents love and during the following years me and my guitar never separated, not even when after getting married I flew across the world to be reunited with my husband in the United States and started a new life. Because of this I know how wonderful OLGA is. What a beautiful resource and what an amazing way for musicians an amateurs like me to share our skills and learn how to play the songs we loved.
That my friends is globalization. To connect with people from the most unbelievable places in the world and share something that is understood in all languages: music.
But Now the Music Industry Wants Guitarists to Stop Sharing. Because they are not happy with the fact that they are giving for free something that could bring the industry a few more bucks.
What they seem to forget is that many of those artist that they ae trying to "protect" started in music by learning other people's songs and sharing tabs and lyrics. What is next then? To stop every teenage garage band from covering their music idols songs?
This is pure f-ing greed and I'm tired and outraged by it. Somebody need to hit the brakes here.
After all if they are intending to go on they might as well start stoping the free access to internet... oh wait... that's already happening isn't it?

The Foreigner

2006-08-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I did something I've been wanting to do for quite a while.
I went ahead and created a blog in my native language oriented to people from my country where I intend to discuss politics and culture.
However, the strangest and weird thing happened. I found myself almost incapable to post. I realize I know almost nothing about my country on these days. So I went ahead and looked for bloggers from my land and then another strange thing happened.
I was unable to relate to any of their thoughts. Their were talking my language mentioning places, people, things I knew from heart better than anyone, but they felt so unrelated to me. Like if they were thing I knew but did not belong to me anymore. Even the language that always was my pride and my love, was not part of me like it used to be. The words were stuck in my brain uncapable to come out.
This is one of the saddest things ever.
When you become a visitor in your own land.

We can work it out

2006-08-08T22:33:00.000-07:00

Ok.... I realize I have a problem. I got addicted to Youtube.
It's so easy though!
All of the sudden I can't stop watching videos of the most amazing diversity, from a guy showing how to play bass to a pre-teen that wants to be a movie director. I just enjoy to watch and wonder how did they come up with the ideas, and the time because you need some production to feel secure enough to put your stuff out there for anyone to watch and either criticize or praise.
I wish I had the creative thing on me.
I feel like I'm the most boring person I know.

Tired...

2006-08-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

I probably didn't rest very well last night.
The day started really good and ended up really bad.
It turned out to be that the mall where we are currently working is going to be demolished. I knew that from some time now and as soon as we found out we went and looked for another place and we got a fabulous deal in a great location nearby. But still, it's so sad to see that they will demolish this place when is such a landmark and is a social point of encounter for people in this neighborhood. I love it! It's such a special place and so different from other malls.
It's a shame.
Also we found out that a family that was adopting a large group of children lost them because the father was abusive to the children in a really really scary bad way. I can't say more for reasons of confidentiality. But I just hope that the bastard doesn't get away with this. You never know when the criminal is the only son of a very rich man.
It's just depressing. I'm going home now.

The harvest...

2006-08-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

tomatos and bell pepper

I'm ready to prepare a delicious miniature salad.

Lethal Laughter

2006-08-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

OMG!!
I almost die a minute ago!!
I was laughing so hard that I started choking, and I could barely breath. My cats were freaking out and looked at me with faces of disapproval of course. They seem to find very discourteous of me to die on front of them.
The reason of my laughter was this entry from Acid for Blood. It turns out that Amazon is selling groceries now and some customers (oh my oh my ... I can barely control myself and keep on typing) have decided to make some reviews for some products. Please go and check out the Amazon link, it's just sooooo great. Just one thing: try to read the comments when there is somebody around that can call 911 for you. Just saying.

I Remember Paris

2006-07-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

While the temperature keeps reaching the 3 digits I keep on staying as far from the computer as I can. The truth is that the light of the screen makes me feel already hot and sweaty.
Just moving from one side to the other of my living room makes me feel all sticky. I live in a very old house so there is not A/C but a giant and not very nice looking swamp cooler. It's a great device though, it really keeps the room nice and cool but I just hate the small sound it makes.
Not much happening lately though.
Or maybe is the fact that I can't really think of anything but my sister's arrival. I bought sheets, comforters, pillow, bath ropes and other bunch of things for her room. I don't think I've ever suffered so much to decide on colors and styles for any of the places I've lived before. I'm looking for things that are femenine but not too "girly" or childlike. I did buy a comforter pink and brown from Target with the matching set of sheets. I don't think it looks girly but who knows what my sister is going to think about it. Anyhow, I'm looking for a European and more sophisticated look. Something that says "here is sleeping a young woman that is very professional and sophisticated yet romantic and sensitive". Not easy.
I've been also thinking in our favorite TV show. We used to get together with my mom and my sisters every Friday and watch "La Femme Nikita". I even turned down invitations from boyfriends because Friday was our girls night in. We <3 that show and the whole concept was amazing. The music, clothes and the decoration were all so wonderful that I was thinking on maybe getting some detail from that show to add in my sister's room. Something that can bring to her the thought of a very modern, and romatic sort of Paris.
Ideas anyone??

I'll be seeing you

2006-07-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited! My sister finally bought the tickets to come to visit me. It's a very long trip and I can not wait to see her arriving here. She is not going to be here until October but it doesn't matter. It gives me more time to prepare her room and all the stuff she might need. I'm saving money so I can take her to San Francisco, Las Vegas and Disneyland while she is here. I have so many plans!!! She is a little scared but she will get over it. I'm just worried about the entrance to the country she will be doing in DAllas, TX. The agents at customs can be a real pain in the neck and given she has only 3 hours to get from one flight to the other, she can't spend too much time just sitting there trying to explain why she is coming to the country in her bad english. Hopefully they won't be so annoying as they were with me the first time I came to visit the States. I entered the country through Atlanta. I didn't really know what to do and what paperwork to fill out and I asked a woman from Delta Airlines about it and she simplely barked at me and left me as lost as I was before talking to her. I guess it was a bad day for her. Then once I passed customs three officers stopped me and asked me all kinds of questions and while one was checking my paperwork the other were pointing to my shoes and clothes like they were very suspicious. It was the first time I was travelling anmywhere and I was all by myself. They hold me for several minutes and made me feel really uncomfortable. I'll pray my sister has better luck with that.

4th of July

2006-07-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

Another year just siiting by myself while the rest of the people celebrates.
My husband had to go to work so I'm sitting in my living room with my kitty taking a nap right next to me.
I just grabbed a beer from the fridge and made myself a hot dog . Also I got a little bit of sherbet and I think I'll make a cup of coffe and wafers.
Very hot outside, and very georgeus too.

You have got to read and hear this!!!

2006-07-04T01:29:00.000-07:00

Free Press : When Uninformed Senators Make Laws...

Ok, The political class in this country doesn't cease to amaze me. How can somebody put himself in a position so embarrassing like Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) did? This guy absolutely made an ass of himself. I heard his speech this morning and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. He was so passionate about making everybody understand that Net Neutrality is BAAAAAD! He even said that because of people sending videos through internet his service was delayed because somebody sent him an "internet" on Friday and he didn't receive it until Monday. Geeee!!! No wonder it took so long for him to receive it, after all it was "an internet" what was being sent!!!!
Yikes! My body is responding really bad to all this. The stresss is taking over my body... it feels like going back to my years of tech support all over again! It feels like yesterday:"Fix my internet!!". Or even more classic:" My cupholder is not working!!".
Somebody PLEASE make sure that Ted Stevens' "internet" is turned on before he grabs the phone to call his tech support!

with a little bit of sugar...

2006-07-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

There are days in which I don't know what to do first. My brain goes in thousand different directions. I can't figure out anything and i end up just sitting down paralyzed. In moments like those I wish I could find a little bit of calm and get my thoughts in order.
Today however, I was getting really depressed and I ended up doing what I do best: looking for something to eat. And I decided to eat the wonderful cookies that my husband's grandma sent. She make these every once in a while. This woman is the sweetest lady i've met. She makes these german cookies with so much love and dedication. I hope when I get older I can be like her, and make wonderful cookies that cheer up the soul of some lonely gal somewhere far away.

Nostalgia

2006-06-29T23:57:00.000-07:00

NEVER EVER cook while sitting down

Delayed Post

2006-06-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

I wrote this blog 2 days ago but I'm too cheap to pay for connection to post it right away.
Anyways, here it goes

June 14th 2006.

I’m at B&N again. This is my second night in a row.
I came here because of the wireless but I don’t feel like paying almost 4 bucks for an hour and a half of connectivity. Borders is yet worse. I like that bookstore but they are charging 6 dollars for just one hour. It’s absolutely outrageous to pay that amount just for a bit of bandwidth when they have so much available. Greedy bastards!

Anyhow. I went to an ESL orientation at a community college to see if that is useful for my sister. She is visiting me at the end of the year (Woohoo!!!) and I want her to use the time I’m going to be working in taking classes to improve her English. This one turned out to be something different from what I expected. It was more for people that is actually living in the USA, and it was for free but as a way to invest in the people that is actually taking those classes to be part of this society which is not what my sister wants to do anyways.
The orientation was still kind of funny. It was a Spanish orientation (which took me by surprise since the person that gave me the information on the phone neglected to mention this detail) directed by an Iranian woman that openly admitted never studying Spanish and speaking very little. Mostly it was spanglish and a very confused one. She spent most of the time trying to make the attendees (everyone there was Latin) that USA was a great country and the land of opportunity and how they could be millionaires if they learnt English.

I think I’ll end up again at the university level, and although is a lot more expensive is more oriented towards the goals my sister has in mind.

And changing the subject. Today my garden looked wonderful but I had to cover the seedlings because it was getting cold outside, which is very weird given that we are reaching summer. My tomatoes are growing big and pretty and my herbs look just beautiful. The only thing I’m obsessed about is getting a Lemon Verbena for my herbal garden. I want to put a leave or two in my mate, like my mom does. I can’t remember the name we give to this herb in my country. Also, I have these seeds of Nasturtium I haven’t sown but I can’t find a good spot for them. It has to be sunny and it has to be somewhere that they can climb because is a vine after all. Another project is making a planter to put outside my kitchen window. It’s not very sunny but I think it has enough light to have some herbs and some flowers growing.

I know it’s little too in advance but I can stop thinking about the winter and how is going to affect my garden. It kills me to think that some of my herbs will not survive it.
I try to think in how to make a greenhouse that will protect my herbs and plants for the winter but I can’t really come up with any idea that makes good sense.

My Minnesota Home

2006-06-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

We just got out of the movies.
We went to see A Prairie Home Companion after several attempts during the whole busy past weekend. I cried so much and laughed so much that I was unbelievably upset for not being able to control this hurricane of emotions that was shaking me. I don’t know if all the other people felt like I felt watching the movie or if it had some sort of special meaning for me. The music has a lot to do with it. It was real music, the one that comes out of the heart of people that works the land and the country. Those that really know about hard work and hard life period. It reminded me of papaw and his stories. It made me feel like I should write a song myself about simple things that fulfill the souls of those hardworking people, like my parents and grandparents, including my adoptive grandparents. Oh boy how close to home all that felt! And I’m not even a native from the Midwest! It was like all of the sudden I had my own memories of a place in which I never lived and in a time where I wasn’t even born.
All these small details that should be meaningless for me turned out to be embedded in my heart after all. It is very hard to describe what was going on inside me while sitting in the theater. I was able to relate to almost every character in that movie, like I knew them all for a long time, and not because I listen to the radio show every weekend, but because in some moment of my life I’ve met every one of those characters for real.
All that theater environment, the music, the singers, the whole show seemed like it was a very familiar place, a place where I should be right now.

Current Affairs

2006-05-11T16:54:00.000-07:00

I'm at the office. The other girl that works with me and the one that gives me directions has gone on vacations to Disneyland. So I'm all by myself trying to keep busy and entertained. It's hard when most of the stuff I get to work on comes from only one person and she is gone.
But I want to clarify that I'm not complaining. I love my job and I love to do the stuff I do here.
In fact I have presented my resignation to my second job (the one at the store) so I can spend more time at the non profit volunteering a few hours when they need it.
We have so much stuff going on and I'm so excited to participate in everything!
This has definitely given my life a new turn and a totally different new feeling about the world.
Another plus: it's at a walking distance from home, and as soon as I finish with my job at the store I'll start biking to come to work. That will save me a few bucks by not spending too much in gas. Above all now that the prices are soaring so badly.

These past nights I've been sleeping very bad. I had horrible nightmares all week and last night I had one about a girl that got fired at the store where I work. She started just a few weeks ago and last Saturday, I think, she was trying to leave with 2 bags stuffed with clothes, worth more than $400. Fortunately for the store and unfortunately for her the security people saw her and stopped her. She got very nervous and said she had left the receipt on the second floor. Since it was her time to leave the security guys held on to the bags and told her to bring the receipt the next day. She showed up to work next day just as if nothing happened and later on got escorted by the manager out of the building. I know that what she did was very dishonest and under no circunstance I justify it but I feel really bad for her. She is very young and evidently very stupid. She told everyone there that she was saving money to get breast implants althought she was struggling to pay her rent. She is just 19 years old, just graduated from High School last year and is living a life of poverty out of home, telling lies just for the heck of it and stealing junk to get bigger breasts. I hate when people tells me "Awell, many of us had a hard life and we are not thieves". I particularly feel I had a hard life too and yet I don't feel I have the moral authority to judge this girl from this throne of virtues everybody seems so eager to sit on. Where is compassion nowadays?

Other Side of the World

2006-04-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

Well, and another day has passed me by.
I didn't do much besides mowing the lawn of the front yard.
My cats are in desperate need of attention but I can't give it to them since there are so many other things in my head right now.
Today I was at the store (my second job), and I really didn't feel like selling anything or being there at all. I'm glad that the few guys that work with me there that keep me laughing most of the day. They tell me that I' so sweet and all that jazz. I just feel like I'm deceiving them because I'm far from being sweet. I love those guys. Most of the time I feel like hugging them. They are so huggable!!!
Joe comes from Boston and hehas a strong accent and I simplely love it! I wish he kept on talking because is so fascinating to hear it. Roger is such a funny guy and he has always something completely outrageous to say. Bob is an older fellow and I've learnt to appreciate his company as well. I'm getting their emails and phone numbers to see if we can get together when we are off from work.

Ops! Time for me to go and pick up my husband!!
ttfn

Same Kind of Crazy

2006-04-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I started at my new job with a non profit and so far... I love it!
I'm a little scared because I'm so excited about it and I'm so scared at the same time!
I'm affraid that I change my mind and I find it not so fun in a week or two.
My brain is going at 2000 mph thinking of all the things I want to do and all the things I don't know how to do.
Right now the biggest thing I need to do is setting up my router and my home network. Getting a domain and put to work my server.
I have a computer that I will use as a server. I still don't know how I'm going to do it but I guess you learn by doing don't you?
Also I need to work on my personal webpage and on my garden journal. I'm working on my garden althought last week was too crazy for me to "stop and smell the roses". I've been taking pictures of the progress but I need to take the pictures and do a compilation of all the stuff.
My husband is going to build a nice desk for my computer and that should make things easier... I guess. It's just that I don't have enough time to do things.
I've got two jobs and it's really impossible to rest. I try to sleep at night but I can't rest my mind.
Everything is so crazy!

At last

2006-04-07T23:06:00.000-07:00

Well, and it looks like finally the spring has decided to start in this town. I found this tiny and shy bulb growing on the side of my fence.

I quickly grabbed my gardening gloves and planted the summer bulbs. You know, irises and lilies.
I would have don more but I'm affraid I was too worried about my cat trying to get out on the street.
Sometimes when I go out to garden I let him make me company so he can run and play on the grass. Very rarely he adventures outside the fence but it's good to keep an eye on him.

Little Miss

2006-04-05T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I gave my notice.
I feel so free now!
Finally I will have time to do the stuff I want to do. Live a little!!
I have some projects already:

Put together my server and my router.
Organize the house with the furniture I don't have
clean up the garden and plant the bulbs for summer.
Take my kitties to the vet.

Those are all things I've put aside because I was way to busy to even breath.
But things have changed now and I have to make the most of it.

Human

2006-04-04T16:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm in a new job. Actually, not so new. I started exactly a month ago but I'm ready to quit. Things didn't work out. It's a real mess over here. I'm supposed to be doing customer service but it is not happening and I've been reduced to spend the day entering data.
I love the people though, they are really sweet and good people overall. But I can't stand the job itself. In fact, I'm willing to leave for a job at a non-profit where I won't get paid at all.
After all I still have another part time job at a store where surprisingly I'm having fun!
Awell, I'll try to post a little more often so I can keep this blog more up to date

Don't Wait too long

2006-02-17T21:42:00.000-08:00

Today I stopped by the offices where I temped back in October as a receptionist. People seemed happy to see me. I wanted to see them too and see how things are going and of course use the oportunity to let them know I'm still looking for a job. Looked like they would be very happy if I get to work with them again, but I have to be careful with whatever they offer me. I'm affraid I might be underestimated once again.

Everytime I talk to my sister about my job related issues she seems to get really upset at me. I think she blames everything on me somehow. And maybe she is right. Maybe I am the problem. How is that most of people seems to be fine and be able to find their way through whatever job is left on their laps? I don't get it.
I don't thinkI've ever been happy on a job. I've hated them all!
Do I hate to work? Is that the problem?
Many time I've thought that maybe I was born to be a housewife. Stay-home-mom as they call it now.
I picture myself full of children making preserves and canning veggies for winter. Spending my whole day in the kitchen preparing all kind of dishes that my children will remember till the day they die because nobody will cook like me.

But how is that I can't find anything further than that to fulfill me?
I remember when I was 10 years old and we were taugth the talents story from the Bible. Basically said that if you don't use your talents you lose them. The only real talent I think I have is my voice. Maybe that is where I should find my way and I'm just wasting time right now.
Whatever it is my vocation I just want to know what a heck it is... the soonest the better.

Just like a fish

2006-02-16T14:03:00.000-08:00

I like writting when I have the inspiration to do so, but today and yesterday too, I only got to the blogging affairs due to the fact that at my new job I have nothing to do. I'm literally just sitting on my desk reorganizing over and over the penholder, stapler, etc. I've cleaned the desk so many times that I know every spot by heart.
My boss just passed by and commented out loud:
-Oh! She is cleaning her desk 'cause apparently she has a lot of time to do it.
It wasn't in bad mood... I think. I can never be sure because I rarely talk to him.

When I came here I came because they promissed me a lot of stuff to do and oportunities to grow.
Grow my derriere I guess because is the only thing I notice increasing during this past week.
My supervisor is losing her mind trying to find projects for me and stuff to keep me busy but I'm evidently way too fast for them.
For what everybody says, what takes me just and hour or so to do, it would take about two days to the person they had before me, and if that wasn't enough it would be done with lots of errors.
In my humble opinion they don't need somebody like me here. They just need somebody mildly competent.

Of course when I have that amount of down time the first thing that comes to mind is watering plants.
I kind of got tired of cleaning my desk. I'm affraid the plants will die due to overwatering.

Maybe I should concentrate on that fishing tank they have next to me. It makes some awful noises and it's getting in my nerves. I have so much time to kill that I'll end up either fixing it or drawning in it.

Back to winter

2006-02-15T13:57:00.000-08:00

The last week had been so georgeous. Amazingly beautiful days full of sun and birds singing everywhere. I even got to buy a few bulbs to plant in my garden to later realize that is not spring yet. I guess in the West you have the shortest winters which I love.
But this morning my dream of a short winter kind of broke. Snow everywhere and even with a shinny sun there are still some flakes flying around.
The differnce with the midwest is that here I can see the mountains and I forget that it's so cold and that just yesterday I was wearing a short sleeve shirt.
God I love those mountains. They are so beautiful that now I can imagine living anywhere else away from them. They lift my spirit and help me to keep on going.
I guess that is hard for anyone that grew up without them to understand the importance that this creation's presence has in my life. I grew up watching the mountains every single day of my life. They are like a mother figure or as my sister would say :" It's like a birthmark".

The Grass is Green

2006-02-10T19:02:00.000-08:00

I'm upset.
This time is at myself though.
It seems like I'm uncapable of putting my foot down (new phrase I learned) when it's about the money.
Once again I got set in a job that I can't care less about and earning just enough to cver my needs. This is so stupid.
I've been lucky that I have to deal with nice people that treats me ok, but that doesn't pay my bills.
I come from a culture where you should be grateful you have a job to start with, so it's very hard for me to say "Sorry but this is not what I'm looking for". I feel like I have to always give it a try. It's like a voice in my head that will shout "Don't you dare to let this job oportunity pass by... you are lucky they want you when so many other people is unemployed out there".
That voice coincidentially sounds a lot like my father's.
When I started working (right after high school) I went for a job at a Tennis Club. They were looking for a Programmer (which is what I am) but what they really needed was a secretary that could deal with a Macintosh. It was just for the weekends and holidays. I accepted just to be able to give it a try and because I wasn't sure what it was that they wanted me to do. When I told my father that I hated it and that I was going to quit he yelled at me and he seemed so dissapointed that I didn't last more than a month and that I wasn't willing to try longer. He didn't understand what was wrong with it. That story has haunted me for years till now, and probably will keep on going because I don't seem to find the strength to overpower it.
Right now I'm working doing things I was never interested in doing. Yesterday somebody even asked me to water the plants and I almost burst into tears, not because I think is something too low for me or anything like that, but as I was filling up the watering can I saw me 10 years ago ready for greater things and ready to conquer the world of technology and then I was here again 10 years later filling up a watering can while I paid attention so I wouldn't miss a call.
I think I will stay for a bit on this job while something better shows up. On my part I'm already working to make things happen.The only plants I'm willing to water are the ones in my garden, the rest should never be my bussiness.

Bewitched

2006-01-19T18:29:00.000-08:00

Bewitched: "After one whole quart of brandy

Like a daisy I'm awake

With no roma seltzer handy

I don't even shake.

Men are not a new sensation

I've done pretty well I think

But this half-pint imitation

Put me on the blink....."

Well, I'm finally home after a midless day of work... filing papers.
I can't believe that's what I'm doing right now. But it will last only until next week when I finish my job and I move from my apartment to a cute little cottage style house in a much more quiet and nicer neighborhood. I will miss downtown but I'm just moving like a mile away. It not the same though. I can't walk to the theather and coffee shops and casinos anymore. I mean, I could, but it would be really exhausting. Biking it's more like it. I do have a coffee shop a block away, i noticed. Now I have a pretty little garden with roses and a cherry tree, humingbirds included. Also there is a vine covered deck with a built-in grill. The vines are sleeping now but I can forget about that in the meantime while I seat comfortable next to my fireplace with a nice cup of cocoa. I guess I will miss a little the New York feeling my tiny apartment gives me, but I'll get over it.
Yes, sometimes luck happens.

The imposible Dream

2005-10-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

Our brain is a wonderful, misterious and amazing machine almost imposible to understand.
On Monday I had a massage. Oh boy! That is a whole different world. I was enjoying myself, sitting on that chair and letting this complete stranger to press every muscle. All of the sudden she press an specific point behind my ears, closer to the back of my neck. It was automatic. Ilaughed without beiing able to control the impulse. She thought I was thinking of something funny,but I wasn't. It was like if I had a special "laughing button" that she happened to press. I wonder how many other spots with similar reactions we have in our bodies. Nerves connected to our brain programmed to rect in different ways to different touches.

And today I noticed something else that amazed me. I got a membership for this Napster thing. I started looking for that music that I rarely hear on the radio. I found among many other things the soundtrack from the Bradway show "The Man of La Mancha". I played the song I like the most (The impossible dream) and as soon as Brian Stokes Mitchell started singing, my eyes got full of tears and I had a very annoying knot in my throat. I tried listening the song again later on, but the same reaction happened. It's almost imposible for me to listen to the song without crying. Something is connected to my brain that gets activated by this song.

Our brain will never stop being a mistery.

This morning it was summer

2005-10-13T00:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry. I'm so tired.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I need to go to bed.
I'm working 15 hours a day.
I'm so exhausted.

I'm going to bed missing all my friends.

You Gotta be

2005-10-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

You gotta be strong...
Things are getting tough. I got a daytime job finally. I'll be working for about a month as a receptionist and thenI will start all over again looking for a more definitive job.
Now I'm working 2 jobs. It's hard but one keeps my brain busy (sort of) andthe other keeps my body moving. Both are low pay but at least I will be able to take care of my bills and the the huge debt caused by the moving to the West.

I always admired the people that can do that. Woking 2 jobs to be able to make a decent living. I don't know how they are able to keep it together but I guess I'll figure out now.

I wish I could quit my second job. It's so mindless, but I need all the money I can earn for now. That way at least I will have a few bucks to enjoy life a little bit.

Mama

2005-10-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

I could say I've been lazy about this blog but the truth is that I've hardly had time to pay attention to it.
It took a couple weeks after I got to this western city to get a phone line and then some more to get the internet conection working. The good thing is that I live just a couple blocks from the telephone company and therefore I have an unbelievable fast conection. I love it!

The apartment where I live it's nice, but I have conflicted feelings about it. It's a very Old but pretty house that it's surrounded by 3 buildings.
On the right there is an "Hotel" that in my opinion doesn't look very reputable. The first week we got here my husband saw what he though it was a guy trying to pee inside his own truck. It was weird because the guy was outside the truck with the dooropen and kind of leaning forward, just like if he was peeing. When looking more carefully the guy realized my husband was there and tried leaning forward a little further. It turned out to be that it wasn't peeing. In fact he wasn't doing much, somebody else was doing it for him.
On the left we have some sort of "apartment complex". Each apartment is tiny enought to have a bed, TV, a refrigerator and a microwave inside. The rent is month to month and it's only $400. Some of the people that lives there looks terribly shady and I don't like them. When I was moving in I witnessed a fight between some of them. It was just the first day here.
On the back of the building, just crossing the street there is another building. Very nice too. It looks brand new and very sophisticated. I couldn't believe it when I found out that only people that makes less than $17,000 a year can live there.

The apartment has hardwood floor. It's such a wonderful thing. I love it. I never lived anywhere with hardwood floors and it's fantastic. But other than that It was a big mess here. When we arrived I spent almost 2 weeks just cleaning and organizing. The bathroom and the kitchen were disgusting and the windows where just tinted with filth. It wasn't like I had any choice because I had the truck loadded with my stuff waiting outside the door so I pretty much was stuck with signing the lease.
The landlord is a joke. He simplely has no idea what is going on here. All the repairs that we have pending he seems to have forgotten. I really do not like him but again, I'm stuck with him at least until spring when I'm sure I'll move to another place, even if it doesn't have hardwood floors.

During the last weeks I've been trying to make this place more comfortable and at the same time trying to learn to sew. I made a wonderful set of curtains for my kitchen. Green checkers I believe is the name of the pattern. There are pretty but I can tell I have lots to learn.
I wish I was like my mom. All the years we lived together and I never appreciatted the things she was capable of doing. She knows sewing, knitting, crochet, embroidery, etc. I can't think of one of those craft that she can't do at a master level.
I wish she was here with me now so she could teach me these things and we could do so much stuff together.
Here is a picture of a piece she just finished a few days ago. She was still working on it at the time the picture was taken though. The technique is called crewell. I do not know how they call it in America, I believe is neddlepoint but I'm not sure.

The end of times

2005-07-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe but it's happening.
There is a change and it's a big one.
I'm moving!!

Yes I Am!!
I can hardly believe it but the Goundhog Day Spell is about to be broken.
I'm moving to a much more vibrant city on the West with a lot more things going on.
I'm leaving the Midwest for good. It's just like a dream!

My friends are very sad and I'm also sad about leaving them behind. But the excitement of this new adventure is so much bigger than that!

However I don't think I will change the tittle for this blog. It has so much history and mysticism.

Goodbye Midwest!!!

Rainy days

2005-03-12T16:20:00.000-08:00

This is one of those weeks that you'd wished to skip.
Everything is going upside down.
On Monday my husband lost his job. Yeah... now we are really poor because the little money he has in his checking account we have to use it to pay the credit card.
I don't earn a good salary so it's getting tough to pay the bills and get the groceries all together.
My husband is looking for a temp job while finding something that he really wants to do in the IT field. I want him to do what he really wants to do and not to waste days of his life doing a job he hates... like I do.
As you can guess, the ideal would be for him to find a job out of Ohio. Hopefully near from a real city. I just want to get out of here!!!
I'm not really sad about the fact he lost his job. I see it as an opportunity to escape from this experiment of town. This is like a trap from where I will never be able to get out.
I've been thinking of going back to my country. I'm so disappointed of USA. It's not what I imagined and people are not what I thought it would be. I haven't seen anything that can impress me and I know is not the place where I want my children to learn values. I want them to learn compassion and that money is not the ruler of your decisions in life. I want them to learn to love their family more than anything in the world.
Don’t get me wrong. There are wonderful people here but the few idiots that can ruin your day seem to stand up on top of everything.
I don’t understand why everybody keeps talking about freedom and liberty. I feel as free of speaking my mind as I was during the years of dictatorship in my own country. I have to be careful with every little word because there is always the possibility of hurting susceptibilities. They talk about values and pro-life and moral, while killing people in the death row and calling to hate homosexuals and anyone that thinks different.
Maybe I just came here in a very bad moment.

I can't believe it...

2005-01-07T17:44:00.000-08:00

... but finally it's Friday night!
This week has been crazy and so freaking demanding. I just hate it.
I've been so busy that is pitifull. The new girl at work is very talkative and at least I have somebody to talk to. The other guy is there too and also is friendly, but I don't have very much in common with him.
I was affraid that now that I've been promoted they will be more distant with me and they might feel a little intimidated. It's too soon to judge and too busy to even pay attention, but I hope they feel comfortable with me.
I just found out something terrible. My new coworker brought his father to live in Ohio with her and her husband. He left this morning and hasn't came back yet being 8:30pm.
She is really worried. He left without the car, without leaving a note or whatsoever. If he hsan't came back by the time she returns home she will call the police.
Thanksfully this neighborhood were Karina and I live (we live very close from each other) is so quiet that becomes the kingdom of boredom. Nothing happens here. Nothing bad but nothing good either.

You've got a friend

2005-01-04T22:07:00.000-08:00

For all those friends I miss so much right now. I'm just far away but I hope distance will never be a wall between us.

There's A Lull In My Life

2005-01-03T22:32:00.000-08:00

I feel tired. Today was so hard to get back to work!
I just don't feel like doing the same thing again. Going to the office and do this mindless job. It's so sad when you don't care about your job anymore.
Also, I'm running out of friends. And now with this new shift that I accepted not even my usual friends have time to talk to me anymore.

I met this really cool girl from Texas that started working with me and I was really enthusiastic about the idea of having a female friend around. My husband is my best friend but sometimes you need a woman's point of view around. The last friend I had moved to Columbus and even when she is a great person, for some strange reason during the last couple months I felt that we were moving in different directions anyways. The other cool girl I met left the job because she got tired of all the crap. And then this new girl came along and we were having so much fun. But now she went back to Texas for Christmas and is not coming back. She told me so in an email yesterday.
I'm kind of happy for her because she is now with her family and God knows that I think that is the most important thing in life. But at the same time I'm starting to feel a little lonely again.

If at least I had my sisters around...

I've been trying to convince my husband to apply for a job in Reno, but he doesn't seem to be putting very much energy in the idea. I feel so asfixiated in Ohio, darn it!!!
That is why my friends left. They couldn't stand this place anymore, they felt like there were going nuts in this experiment of suburbia. I understand. I thought the first year that I would die if I didn't leave in 2 months.

I just wish I could run away right now.

Hello Kitty!

2004-12-18T18:18:00.000-08:00

My husband with Choripan

This morning Breakfast

2004-12-18T17:58:00.000-08:00

I feel so freaking guilty everytime I leave the Golden Nuggett. I should stop with that.

Once upon a Time

2004-12-04T15:51:00.000-08:00

I was so sick.. I don't have energy to post today
see you all tomorrow

Who Will Save Your Soul?

2004-10-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

Last night it took me forever to fall asleep. I had so many things in my head.
I kept rolling without being able to even close my eyes so I decided to get up and take a book.
When I went to visit my family last December I bought this book, a judge’s autobiography. I feel a lot of admiration for that woman. I like the things she says and I like her integrity. She feels so real to me. I guess one of the most important things in life is integrity. Having always just one side. That tomorrow my children will never have a reason to be ashamed of their mother. That I always acted with justice and that even when things didn’t seem easy, at least I had my conscience in peace because I did what I thought it was the right thing to do and not the most convenient or the one that would satisfy only my needs. And even if people thought I was crazy or just ridiculous, I would go after my dream and fight for the noblest goals to make this world a better place.
It’s funny how some things look and sound real sometimes, and how the things that you hold dear in you heart feel so fake sometimes.
.................
My antidepressants didn’t work last night. I was devastated. Somebody that I loved very much, one of the persons that I love more than anything in this world has been lying to me and to everyone. This person is ruining her life in the worst way possible, destroying the lives of innocents and building her happiness with the pain and sorrow of people that don’t deserve it. I feel sad and powerless. What can I do? I don’t feel I have the authority to step up front and tell this person “Hey, this is the way you have to live your life and you are doing everything wrong!” because it’s not my job to pontificate. I love this person almost more than myself and it gets really hard to understand how somebody can become so selfish. I’d rather that the people I love die of starvation that having them selling their souls to the devil for a few crumbs.
Where did you my dear lose your soul?

Thomas Concannon

2004-09-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

In loving memory of Papaw...

I took this picture the day we met.
He was the person that made the biggest impact on me since I arrived to this country. He had lots of books and loved poetry and art.
His ancestor were Irish and he would always celebrate that. In fact you still can see both, USA and Ireland flags outside his house.
We could spend hours talking about literature, philosophy or politics.
He had a wonderful humor and loved telling jokes, bad jokes.
One of his favorite hobbies was writting quotes in small bussiness cards and in every visit he would make you read them. He never stoped teaching.
He loved music and used to say that music was the only form of comunication that could reach human souls clearly without being limited by the different languages, that even if a song was sang in an unknown idiom we could still get the message.
His favorite show was "West Wing" and he was proud that Martin Shean was from Dayton.
He loved Joan Baez voice and songs.
He knew every little bird and could tell you without mistake the name of any of them.
While he had enough air in his lungs he wouldn't let me go home without singing to me:

Come in the evening, or come in the morning;
Come when you’re look’d for, or come without warning:
Kisses and welcome you ’ll find here before you,
And the oftener you come here the more I ’ll adore you

When we met he told me: " I don't know what your intentions are here, but let me tell you one thing, I would love it if you became part of my family".
But most important of all: He always told me that he loved me and I was his favorite girl.
I will miss him so much, and I will need him yet more.

The autumn leaves

2004-09-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

It’s finally here. I like this season because of the colors. The trees are going red, yellow and brown.
Temperature is good enough and I like the cracking noises of leaves under my feet.
The other day I went to a store to buy a few pots for my African Violets and all I could see was the stupid Halloween things all over the place.
I used to like holidays and that kind of stuff but everyday I like them less.
My husband says that these kind of holidays are boring and senseless for me because I don’t have a background or memories associated to them. He seems to be right. It’s just that I wish I would have some sort of memories that could make me fond of these things. In the beginning I was really curious about them. But all of them turned out to be flaps.
July 4th I don’t even remember how was it. Memorial day is not something I would like to celebrate. Halloween had everything but children because parents are too afraid to send them for candy door to door. Thanksgiving was something like “Ah, ok, go to kitchen and help yourself”. Christmas in winter meant to be indoors all the time, putting up with silly emotional crap about a fake tree instead of a real one, a newly widower going hysterical if somebody left a plate in an angle different from what it was originally; etc. New Years Eve was as boring as watching American football while playing trivia… and that was exactly what we did.
It’s sort of funny got shopping in this season. Everywhere they sell seasonal decorations. If I’d live with a mom that changes decoration for each season and puts coordinated stuff in my bathroom, table, kitchen, bedroom etc, I would be scared to death. Do you imagine Halloween theme in you curtain shower, towels, soap dish, silverware and dinnerware and even in your bed comforter?
THAT would be a scary Halloween.
One thing I love with all my heart about this season: Pumpkin Pie. And if it’s from Mamaw, my husband’s grandmother, it becomes beyond this world.

I could have danced all night, and even ask for more... Well, Maybe not.

2004-09-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

Today I had the most bizarre idea… or dream… or vision… I don’t know. I imagined myself bringing my guitar to work and playing a song in Spanish. Maybe the song I’m listening to right now. Something with rhythm, that makes people dance. But of course there is something completely wrong about my illusion and it’s that nobody here would dance. Music doesn’t flow in their veins like it does in mine. I hear music and I have a hard time stopping myself of dancing. When I was at home my sister put some salsa and asked me to dance with her. I almost cried when I noticed that I got tired after 2 minutes of dancing. I almost didn’t make it for the whole song. Me!!! I was the one that would go to dance and from midnight until 5:00 am I wouldn’t stop more than once to have something to drink and then come back to dance. I would come back home at 6:00 and get up again at 7:00 to go to work. And that was just 2 years ago! What happened to me? Simple, I got fat and lazy. I don’t want to be like that. I had such a hard time taking the stairs for the subway and keeping up with the rest when walking.
So on Monday I started to stop this madness and made a bunch of abs. Yesterday I went swimming and today I plan to do the same. I need to go back to what once I was. A healthy and beautiful woman and the next time I visit my country I will dance all night long like I used to.
I promise!!!

Como Vai Voce

2004-09-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

That is the title of a beautiful song. It’s in Portuguese but I still can understand most of what it says. The title means, “How are you?” and of course it’s a love song. The version I’m listening to it’s mostly acoustic guitar and some violins on the background. I can also hear some electronic sounds but I can barely notice them.
I love music from other countries. I love music in French, Portuguese, Italian and any other language. That is the way I learnt my English that although it’s not perfect, it’s not bad either.
One of the things that surprised me most of USA is the little that they know of world music. I mean, I grew up listening Rita Pavone, Edith Piaf, Salvatore Adamo, Nicola Di Bari, Charles Aznavour, etc. but here, in a place with 100 times more people than in my country, nobody seems to know who is any of those singers. It’s kind of sad because it’s hard to know what is going on in the rest of the world regarding to music if nobody is interested in anything but songs in English.
In my last visit to my native country my sisters made me catch up with a lot of international music that was really interesting. I bought a few CDs and one that I specially liked was from a French band called Holden. Down there you can hear all kind of diverse music on the radio. It’s not so limited like the radio stations in USA. Here you have a radio station for country music, other for pop, another for jazz and so on. Down there it doesn’t matter what radio station you are listening to. The only difference between selections might be that some radio stations only play vintage music in Spanish and others play music from any part of the planet without caring about the language as long as it is pop music.
I still find hard to believe that in a country so full of immigrants like this there is so little noise from other cultures.
Maybe it’s just this Midwest bubble that I’m lost in.

Insomnia

2004-09-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

Several days without a good sleep finally took its toll. Yesterday I wasn’t able to come to work. I was a wreck. Between the insomnia, sinus and depression there was nothing left from me. I don’t even remember very well what I said to my husband when he tried to wake me up. I think it was as simple as “I can’t”. He called my office and I just woke up about 1:30 PM with a horrible sensation of not being able to breathe.
I spent most of the afternoon watching daytime TV and brushing my cat’s hair. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I’m lucky that the husband I have is so understanding and good to me. He doesn’t demand anything from me.
I was giving some thought to those nightmares that keep me awake. Some of them are related to my family and most of them have to do with memories from my childhood. I guess I am very insecure about everything, and I guess that I am very scared about my future and about what am I going to do with my life. All I know is that I have to do something new soon and something rewarding. Something that could make me happy. Answering phones is not my idea of future. I don’t care very much about my job and that makes much harder coming back to USA.
In my country I don’t have all the commodities that I have here but I still feel more at ease. The only reason I’m not coming back is because down there they still have a lot of prejudices that I can’t bear and I don’t feel like asking for an opportunity. I will consolidate myself and then… maybe I’ll come back.

It's so nice to have you back where you... belong?

2004-09-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

Back at home.
Every time is harder to come back. And this damned silence it’s driving me crazy!
I love my apartment and I love my husband and my cat, but I hate this town. I feel so desperately lonely that I feel like I need to scream with all the air that can fill my lungs.
Yesterday I did. Then I was scared that my neighbors could get worried about me, but nobody knocked at the door. Nobody cares here. Only my husband is there. Even for him is hard to ask and try to know more about human beings and their souls.
I turned on the TVs. I have 3. One is in my bedroom; other is in the living room and a very small b/w in my kitchen. That noise gives me the illusion of company, of people around. Even if I mute I still can hear that buzzing of the TV turned on.
I miss my sisters like if I had some part of my body missing. I just want to know that they are present in the same room. Even if they are somewhere else I feel so at peace knowing that they will come back home at night. It’s like the buzzing of a muted TV. You can’t hear the noises but you know it’s on, and that comforts you.
The truth is that nobody will come back to our apartment tonight with a new stupid, sad, happy, nonsense, important, mean, nice, or funny story to tell while having tea. I won’t hear the tick-tick-tack of my mom while she knits some sweater and I won’t laugh looking at my dad falling asleep in front of the TV. My youngest sister won’t scare a hell out of me with some nonsense fear of failing some test at the university, and I won’t see my other sister’s face to try to see through that mysterious sadness that keeps her so far away from everybody.Should I come back home? The answer is no. I can’t go back looking for another opportunity. That’s not an option and I can undo the path I’ve walked already. I can’t go back, I have to look forward and someday, when I don’t need to ask for another chance, I will take my husband, my cat, my guitar and my books and will look for a small house in MY land. Because I might have changed the address and I might be sleeping under a different sky, but my soul is still wondering and there nothing that can erase the birthmark of The Andes from it.

Freak Show

2004-09-12T20:02:00.001-07:00

I hate to be social. I guess it´s just when it´s about being social with people that I like but I´m not really interested in.
Today was the obligatory BBQ for welcome and goodbye from my family ...and my family´s family.
I admit that I was crazy about meeting my aunts and eating some good food, but they came with one of my aunt´s husband and if it is true that he is a good guy, it´s also true that he is boring as hell.

We were all sitting on the table enjoying the tea, and he was talking. I must have been distracted and all of the sudden it was just he and me. He started to tell me that old and boring story of how he became supervisor on his job, how he straightened up a group of lazy and irresponsable people, how the other guys dislike him becuse he is so responsible and honest, how he has been saving so much money to his managers and how well he did in seminar that he attended directed to supervisors of his company. It´s always the same. The rest is bad and lazy and he is the good hero. Everybody left me there with him and nobody came to save me. I didn´t know how to escape. I found the way to go to the kitchen but when I came back he was waiting for me to continue.
I feel bad because I understand that he is a very simple guy and very good too, and that maybe because of the same reason he doesn´t have more things to talk about. But I was so tired of all that.
I really appreciatte this guy, he has always been good to me and my family and I respect him, but I guess that the next time I will avoid this quality time that he gives me.

I got to talk with my aunts, which is great. We were enjoying some old pictures and, of course making jokes about every little thing in this less than serious world. They have a very peculiar and great sense of humor. I can´t imagine a moment with my aunts without laughing. And my aunt Olga, she is the greatest. She is funny and you can hear her laughs from out on the street. She makes fun of everyone, including herself. I still feel like a little child next to her and I still hug her like I was 5 years old. She is the kind of woman that every little child would dream as a fairy godmother. She is not pretty like one, but I´ve never met a child that doesn´t think that she is the funniest friend anyone can have.

I´m a little tired tonight. I miss my husband, however for everyday that passes so far away from him and so inmerse in my old life of daughter, niece, granddaughter, goddaughter and single woman, i feel yonger and younger. It´s so weird! It took me so much work to start feeling like a grown up woman and now everything is vanishing again. I feel happiness playing with the dogs and cats, brushing my sisters´hair, singing all over the place and going to my old church that for moments I find hard to believe that I have a completely different life at the other side of the world. I feel every second more like a child.
This morning I went to the church with my sisters and when I went to receive the communion I realized that the one that would give it to me was the director of my old school! And there she was, a little older but the same woman with italian accent. She said to me "The Body of Christ..." I said "Amen" and when I opened my mouth I was so impressed and happy that it was almost unbeareable. I wanted to hug her and tell her "Do you remember me sister Maria Luisa? I was one of those little deamons that you used to chase away from your convent!!". I didn´t say anything. I just felt like many years of memories of my childhood in that place came back to me, and I just looked directly in her eyes trying to find those memories there too. Maybe I wasn´t so wrong after all. She smiled at me and while placing the "Body of Christ" on my tongue she smiled back at me and... winked!.

My eyes hurt

2004-09-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

I spend 80% of last night crying like a baby.
I went to visit my husband's grandfather. He is dying.
I refused to believe it until last Sunday. I saw it just bones and without being able to say more than a few monosyllables.
I got closer to his ear and I whispered "I love you". Then he opened his eyes with a lot of effort and whispered "I love you too". Just like 20 years ago did my own grandfather.

February 1985.
I was a child and I went to bed before everyone. They were talking in the kitchen. I was falling asleep and I heard him coughing. I got up and he was looking bad, and it was really thirsty so I picked a jar of plum juice that somebody left next to his bed and with a teaspoon I started giving him little sips until he seemed to feel a little better. He was just bones too, and in those days the anesthesia wasn't as good as these days and living with cancer in a rural area was close to hell. He didn't have flesh anymore and was so weak that passed more of his day in silence. His thorax was an empty space and you could almost see his spine from his front. And there I was, scared of not knowing if what I was doing was good, and happy of being able to be with him. As a child they tried to keep me out of his room as much as possible. He look at me, and with a strength that I don't know where it came from, he sat on his bed and huged me saying: "Mi nietecita!" which means "My little granddaughter". I was so happy that I didn't care of his dry skin smelling like the hospital, and I was so touch that I didn't want to leave him. I gave him some more juice and then my grandmother entered the room and sent me back to bed. She didn't know that he spent the little strength remaining in a hug for me. Next morning he had to got back to the hospital where a few weeks later he would die.

August 2004
Last night I was nervous. I didn't know what to tell Papaw. I didn't know if he would hear me or if he would understand me. I was talking to Mamaw, she also looks very tired. Then somebody called and I walked to Papaw's bed. He was watching TV and his arm, now showing every bone, was under his head. He looked a little better than last Sunday. I told him I wouldn't be able to be with him during the next two weeks so I didn't wanted him to do anything crazy during that period of time. He smiled and said a few words with extreme difficulty. He didn't want me stay far too long. And then Mamaw came and told me to leave. She wouldn't let me play with his hands like I used to do nor talk to him anymore. She said that he would get too excited and winded up and then would be terrible for his brain. He would have a terrible night with so much excitation. He didn't want me to leave and I didn't want to say goodbye, because I'm afraid that last night was the last time we could hold each other hands.

End of the summer

2004-08-31T05:56:00.000-07:00

Exactly a month ago was my last blog posting.
This month has been as horrible as every freaking August.
Lots of stress and strange climate.
I miss my family and I know they could use some companion from me. On the other hand my husband also needs me.
I'm lucky he is so understanding with all my things.
He is a good man. The best man I've ever met.
Unfortunately, people abuse of good people because they apparent to be weak.
As long as he is with me I won't let that happen. He has me now.

I'm not completely Insane...

2004-07-31T13:36:00.000-07:00

... but maybe just a little bit crazy..."
Alana Davis - Crazy

I'm in a Alana-Davis-sort-of mood. I guess it's because finally I sat down and actually payed attention to each one of the words of the lyrics.
I'm working today and that sucks, but I don't have a choice since I got the past Monday for free.
An Tuesday too, althought that was because I woke up paralyzed.
This was a very bizarre week. Absolutely bizarre.
Everything started last Saturday. I called my family and I was talking to my mom when she mentioned the murder of a catholic priest. I almost fell into pieces when she told me that was my confessor, a very old priest that was doing the masss in the cathedral of Santiago. A guy came with a knife and slaight his throat to end up stabbing him to death.
I couldn't understand this. That was one of the most understanding and wise men I've had the oportunity to talk to. He comforted me so many times. He used to say to me "you are so young, you have your whole life ahead, I'm so old, I am almost ready to leave so I can't change very much, but you, you never despair".
Then my mom apologized, she thought that I had already read the news, and of course, I didn't that day. I didn't know what to think. I kept asking myself why. Why this man? Who did he ever hurt? Why did this happen?
For my own surprise I wasn't really mad, I was really sad and I couldn't stop some tears from coming up. However a sweet feeling of compassion and forgiveness replaced every bad feeling. I guess that is the best thing that people like this priest can leave to the rest of the world. Thinking of all the good things this priest shared and trying to think of the way that he would think I was capable for first time in my life to easily forgive. I went to my room and lighted up some candles for him and then I prayed.
Monday. Another bizarre new showed up. The priest that celebrated my wedding was taken to jail. He is a very good man, and he didn't deserve to be treated like that. He has been giving support to a girl from an Institution that he runs, and this girl is accusing a prominent politician of participanting in the parties of the worst pedophilian in the chilean history, and being abussed by him. The girl and the priest were taken to jail acussed of false testimony, the first , and induction to false testimony, the second. I know this priest enough to know that he didn't do such a thing. Thankfully this order was revoked byt the court, 3 votes to 0, and now both are free again.
Tuesday. During the first hours of the morning I woke up with a strange pain on my neck. I sat up and rubbed it. I thought that probably it was because of a bad position to sleep, so I chenged it and went back to sleep. When the alarm clok went off I tried to get up and I couldn't. The pain on my neck was so intense that wouldn't allow me to move a muscle without making me regret it later. I needed to get up to go to work so I handled the way to get off the bed and walk a few steps when suddenly a horrible pain made me almost fall on the floor. I couldn't help to scream like mad and the tears burst. I couldn't move and I was only able to put my hand on my neck and cry for help. My husband run to me and figured out the way to put me back into bed. That was unbelievably painfull. And I couldn't stop screaming until I was completely inmovilized facing the ceiling. Then my husband called our jobs to tell them that we would be late. We still thought that it would pass in a few hours. He put a heating pad on my neck, an antiflamatory in my mouth and with a straw he was able to put some water down my throat.
The next day I was able to move so I went to work, but up to date I still feel some annoyance in my neck.
Other strange things have happened since then but I can't quit remember right now and I'm running out of energy to tell them anyways

Zombie

2004-07-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight I will sleep after 3 or 4 weeks of restless survival. My kitty is being spayed right now. My nice neighbor Jacqueline, had the nice gesture of taking the kitty to the vet this morning. She feels guilty because she was the one that brought it to the neighborhood after finding her crying outside the Rex Center in Kettering.
I love my kitty, but she was driving me nuts. I was unable to sleep because she thinks that midnight is the best hour to play, and playing in my bedroom is not an option, she demands to play in the living room with her catnip-frog-toy. And there, me or my husband goes with the stupid rat or frog-toy to play with her until she decides that we are allowed to go back to our bed.
This weekend she started on heat again. Yeah, living hell. We closed our bedroom door and I wear earplugs and apply a dosage of sleeping pills because what comes later is apocalyptic. She stop meowing and starts crying like a baby in despair, and then start scratching the door, when she understand that it won't work she will start bumping against it. A couple days ago my husband showed me a hole on my carpet. Yeap, that bad.
I can hardly believe that tonight I will be able to sleep. I'm happy... and guilty at the same time.
My poor kitty is sacrificing her orgasms so I can sleep and stop wearing earplugs. She must be so sad and confused. She probably is feeling lost and forsaken.
My husband just called. Said that Jackie told him that she called the hospital and everything is ok and the kitty is fine. She will sleep over. Tomorrow Jackie will go to take her home and then we will see.
Quoting Nellie McKay : "... miss her little kitty touch, does she miss me, does she care, Oh I miss her kitty stare."

It's raining blogs!!!

2004-07-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

My youngest sister sent me an email inviting me to check into this blog. It's funny because now it feels kind of strange to read in spanish again. Actually I have developed a sort of aversion towards spanish and is not because I don't like spanish, I love my native language and I am the kind of person that thinks that Spanish language is a miracle of civilization, so rich and wonderful that it can't be compared to any other language. The problem is that everytime I read something in spanish is so full of mexican or caribean slang that I don't feel familiar with it. So in some way I don't feel a part of this.

I just bought a book called "The other history of the United States" from Zinn. Very interesting. I bought it because I was looking a book to learn more about the history of this country. I believe it's my duty to learn about the land where I am living in. Also I need to learn about the constitution of this country so I can better understand it. I read a little bit of it some days ago and It's very interesting to understand and see how some people interpret the amendments.

And also I have to admitt that I would love to embarrase some people by knowing about their history better than themselves, the same way that I love embarrase some of my own people of my country by having my husband knowing how to dance the national dance better than them.
Am I too evil??

Reassuring Memories

2004-06-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

This morning I called my sister. All of the sudden I needed to talk to her and ask her about things of our childhood. For reasons that I will never ever publish and only people really close to me knows I tend to question my own memories from time to time. So I ask my sister if she remembered an opportunity when we were invited to this "birthday party" where the girls that lived a street after ours took us. It was kind of strange for me because I didn't know whose birthday was this and also because we had to pay a little bit of money (maybe like $5 Chilean pesos, in those days) to be admitted in. It was fun though.
My mom was concerned about letting us go because things were kind of shaken up a little. She heard about some shootings around the military complex near home. To get to this party we had to cross through the military complex unless we wanted to walk three times the same distance. But one of the girls that would take us there (she and her sisters were much older than me and my sister and therefore they were usually babysitting us) convinced my mom that the shootings of that morning were gone and that now everything was completely safe.
I have to make a stop here because I'm afraid that people won't understand the context if I don't explain it a little further.
In those years I was probably 7 or 8 years old and my sister 4 or 5. I don't quite remember our age at that time. We were living about a decade of military dictatorship in my country and at that moment there was no surprise on hearing shootings, having blackouts every night, being in the middle of a protest or simplely got beaten up by police just because. That was an everyday life at least at my side of the city.
The most common words in the news were "molotov", "marxism", "extremists", "terrorist" and any other that the government could use to accuse those that were opposed to Pinochet's dictatorship.
My parents have been always quiet people and were never involved in protest or political debate simplely because it was their duty to protect us and nobody wanted to be accused of being a communist or something like that. You didn't need the police to come to your house, beat you up until almost kill you and then ask the questions.
Those experiences were kind of common those days and sometimes you would know about people that went to answer the door and never came back.
In this day to day life we weren't afraid about going through a military complex because we were faced with terror so often that it wasn't so scary anymore, it was just life. Besides, there was many people that didn't even imagined that this could have an end someday so we might as well just deal with it.
My sister, the girls of the other street and other children my age walked silently throughout the military complex. Nobody wanted to get caught by a lose bullet or something like that. At the end of the military complex the exit was a small and very rusty turnstile that from my point of view was really an amusing device. I liked it so much that when the party got to an end and we headed back home in the middle of the night I run ahead of the group with somebody else that I can't remember who was, maybe other child or one of the big girls. I passed the turnstile again, excited by the magic sensation of his rusty sound and the fascinating idea of getting stock in there without ever being able to escape from its spinning. However the rust made it very hard to turn so we just passed and kept running ahead of the group. Just a few meters ahead there were two men. One was with his hands up and the other had a gun pointing at him. The first man just said almost crying "Help me please!" and by that time the rest of the group caught up with us and I just heard the voices yelling at me, and whoever the other person next to me was, to run back and get out of there. I was terrified and, the seconds before hard to move turnstile, was spinning like new. Some of the group just jump over it and some of us didn't care and just passed under it. And we run like mad. Scared we run blocks in middle of the night sure that the guy with the gun would come after us. Out of breath we stoped when we felt sure that nobody followed us. I was just a child and with no right to ask nothing. The big girls decided that we couldn't come back that way and we should just take the long road back home. It was a long walk and I was really tired.
I arrived home and I don't remember if I told something to my mom about it. And differently from what anyone could think I didn't get traumatized by that experience although I've always felt sorry for that man. Not guilty, because I was just a child and also because even if I wanted, nothing could have been done to help him. Police in those years didn't care about us, the people. Their job was to keep the population on line and scared enough to not attempt anything against the authority. Besides that, we would see them as merciless tyrants and torturers. I know that I might be unfair to them, but that was the general feeling in those days. Justice? That was just a dream that even today seems very far away from those that can't pay for it.
********************************************
I called my sister this morning and asked her if whether she remembered that strange birthday party where we had to pay to get there.
-The one where we cross the military complex? - she asked
- Yes, that one. What do you remember from that?
- not much, we cross the military complex and late that night we tried to do the same thing but we had to get out of there running.
- So you remembered that too - Now I was sure it wasn't just my imagination or a dream. - And do you remember why we have to run away?
- Not really.
- Did you get to see those two men meters after the entrance?
- No, I just remember we had to run to get out of there very fast and then we walked back home. We walked a lot.
-Thanks, I just wanted to make sure I didn't dream all that. If you remember more things, just write ok?
- OK.

Yeahh!!! I'm so happy... at least temporarily

2004-06-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

Today I was depressed. I don't really need a reason to be depressed anymore, it's just a state that has a mind on its own.
Anyways, there are just simple and little things that cause me to go a little more annoyed at life and hating the world and writting my "Evil Black list of Doom" where anybody that makes things that make me sad will fall in. Like that guy that thinks is funny and keep making stupid jokes and using that loud and maniac FAKE laugh to be noticeable. That doesn't make me mad or sad, is the fact that there is actually idiots that laugh at those things and give him tribune to keep doing it what really bothers me. I guess there is a freak like that in every office in the world. Well, at least i'm improving and trying to be a little more tolerant everyday. I used to be bothered for breathing the same air he was breathing.

Anyways. This morning I was depressed so I sat down and started reading the news, like that would be able to cher me up. After a while I got bored and I decided was time to waste a few minutes going to heat up a bowl of cereal and have some coffee. We have this lunch room which I rarely use and I go there to put the ceral in the microwave. I hit the timer and when I turn back I realize that there is this door that I never saw before and one of the guys from the Network Operations is in there. I greet him and we start talkin about subnet and stuff. He showed me the switches and wiring closet and long story short he invited me to help them to move some stuff from one floor to another by the end of summer. I don't care if I have to call in sick in order to do it but I will. I'm so happy and excited that I completely forgot about all the bad things in my schedule of thinking.
I can't help to be happy for that. That means so much to me! Finally doing something that I like to do. Cool!!!
Geeks rule!!!

Kings Island

2004-06-08T06:29:00.000-07:00

Finally, yesterday my husband received the tickets to go to Kings Island this weekend. His company is doing a picnic for the employees.
Well deserved considering that they are cheaper labor that would it be having their jobs sent to Mexico, India or any of those countries where companies are outsourcing nowadays.
My husband's birthday is this week. I already have a present, although it's not very much so. I bought a t-shirt that reads "Social engineer: because there is no patch for human stupidity". I wanted one too, but in my workplace I don't think that something like that would have got very much of a praise. After all "is not nice". So I decided for one that reads "There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those that don't". I was also thinking in that one that says "There is no place like 127.0.0.1" but it was too much money already.
Anyways, my theory is that a gift is not so if you buy one for you too. It's not special anymore. It as to be unique. So now I have to think in something from here to Friday. I don't have to many ideas to be honest. My creativity is everyday shrinking more and more. I think is the lack of stimulation from the environment. Now I'm starting to understand why there is people that believes in drugs. Their brains kind of dries for lack of intellectual activity.